The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)

Tagline:
Where the game ends, the movie begins.

Wide Release Date:
April 5, 2023

Directed by:
Aaron Horvath, Michael Jelenic
Written by:
Matthew Fogel
Produced by:
Chris Meledandri, Shigeru Miyamoto

Starring:
Chris Pratt
Anya Taylor-Joy
Charlie Day
Jack Black
Keegan-Michael Key
Seth Rogen
Fred Armisen

PREGAME THOUGHTS

It took 38 years to make a Super Mario movie? Oh wait, no it didn’t. They made one in 1993 with Bob Hoskins and John fuckin’ Leguizamo. Ridiculous, it was! But this one is animated and clearly intended to be fun for kids and nostalgic for people my age.

I watched this movie in the theater with my older daughter back in 2023 and it was a little bit better than I expected. Once it hit Netflix, we got to watch it as a FAMILY. And let me tell you, there was much merriment that day. I don’t think this is a great movie, but it did the job.

THE 550(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Mario is voiced by Chris Pratt, which was a weird decision. Luigi is voiced by Charlie Day, which I can get behind. They live in Brooklyn and have recently opened their own plumbing business. They’re not very good at it. Neither plumbing nor marketing. They’ve already become a huge disappointment to their family! Well, the brothers will show them! There’s a huge water main break on the news, so they arrive as the first responders to fix it. Too bad they find one of those warp pipes, sending Mario straight to the Mushroom Kingdom. He gets separated from Luigi, who ends up in the Dark Lands ruled by Bowser (Jack Black).

All I need is a moon and my bedroom nightlight is complete!

In true Bowser fashion, he wants to bone Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy) so hard and is planning another marriage-related scheme. If she refuses marriage, then he’s got a Super Star he can use to destroy the Mushroom Kingdom! BWAH HA HA HA HAAA!! Good thing this Luigi guy showed up as leverage. Bowser can hold him hostage, thinking that Mario is competition. This plan cannot fail. I don’t foresee it happening at all.

When Mario lands in the Mushroom Kingdom, he is greeted by Toad (Keegan-Michael Key), who leads him to the castle to meet Princess Peach. To prove his worth, Peach allows Mario to train on her obstacle course. She kicks ass at it. Mario dies about 300 times, but he eventually gets the hang of it. Good enough. Let’s roll.

Peach plans to get help from the monkeys in the Jungle Kingdom, but first King Cranky Kong (Fred Armisen) requires FEATS OF STRENGTH. Mario must fight his son Donkey Kong (Seth Rogen) before he’ll agree to help. Contrived, I know, but we have fun here in the Super Mario Bros. movie. Mario defeats Donkey Kong, and now the Kongs are all on board.

It’s a BARREL of FUN! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

En route back to the Mushroom Kingdom using Mario Karts, the convoy gets ambushed by Bowser and his various minions. During the Rainbow Road scuffle, part of the road gets destroyed and Mario and Donkey Kong fall from the sky into the ocean. Meanwhile, Peach and Toad return to the Mushroom Kingdom to warn everyone of the impending DOOM and then Bowser shows up to propose to Peach. She accepts, albeit only to save the rest of her kingdom from the Diabolical Wrath. Mario and Donkey Kong eventually escape the ocean and its litany of man-eating moray eels and head to Mushroom Kingdom to save the Princess and also etc.

Let the wedding commence! Bowser, in Peach’s honor, will execute all of his many prisoners (including the Green Guy). Toad freezes Bowser with an Ice Flower. Mario and Donkey Kong show up just in time to free all the prisoners. Bowser busts out of his icy prison and sics one of them giant Bullet Bills onto the Mushroom Kingdom in order to destroy it. Mario sends it off-course and through a warp pipe. It detonates, sucking up the entirety of Bowser’s Castle into Brooklyn. More fighting ensues until Mario and Luigi grab the abandoned Super Star and start kicking ass. They defeat Bowser and all the Koopas. Mario and Luigi are hailed as heroes in Brooklyn and in the Mushroom Kingdom. Everyone lives happily ever after. They all get the power up and win the game.

Ayyyyyyy!

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

Nostalgia reigned supreme. Most of my enjoyment of The Super Mario Bros. Movie came from nothing other than that this was a movie about Super Mario. It’s a franchise that’s as old to me as my earliest memories and I cherish it highly still to this very day. Did you play Super Mario Bros. Wonder for the Nintendo Switch? What a fantastic fucking game. It actually broke the boundaries of the franchise and took some minor risks. I wish I could say the same about this.

As a movie, this is pretty meh. For people like my kids, it’s a mindless, really fun cartoon. For people like me, it’s a non-stop trip down memory lane. If you get to the actual meat of the story, plot, direction, voice acting, and heart, it’s pretty damn mediocre. The plot is just as loose as those of the non-RPG Mario video games with a twist: Luigi is the damsel in distress here. It’s all about Mario getting from Point A to Point B to Point C while getting help from Character A and Character B through Humorous Situation A to Overdramatic Situation B in order to save Luigi. By all that I mean, this cobbles together all the components of a story without actually doing anything with it. Let’s show Brooklyn, then the Mushroom Kingdom, then Bowser’s Castle, then the Jungle Kingdom, then Rainbow Road, then back to Brooklyn. Wrap everything up with a nice bow. They played it safe, didn’t show us anything new or different, and reaped $1.36 billion at the box office.

Oh no! Look out! It’s a thought outside the box!

I shouldn’t be complaining too hard about this fanservice, because playing it safe was the safe option! That’s why it was safe! We never got a proper animated Mario movie ever in our lives, fuck if I know why, and we were all overdue. Why not make it boilerplate, right? This is clearly not going to be the end of the movie franchise, you can bet they’ll pull Chris Pratt’s tired ass in for at least a sequel.

On that note, and to reiterate, I like Mario. I watched this movie twice with my kids and I completely was fine with it both times. Even my mom would have liked it, and she doesn’t have an ounce of nostalgia juice in her brain for Super Mario. Next time, though, make Mario an accidental accessory to murder. Is that so much to ask?

TOPIC 2 — My Top 5 Favorite Mario Games

#5 – Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga
I have warm and fuzzy feelings for this game. It was one of my first for the GameBoy Advance and it’s surprisingly charming. I’m playing the remake for the Nintendo 3DS now and having a ball! Yeah, buddy!

#4 – Paper Mario
I got an N64 on Christmas 2001 (I wanted it more than I wanted a GameCube) and Paper Mario was my first rental from Blockbuster. I had only five days to play and, and you better believe I played the absolute fucking shit out of that game and beat it before I had to take it back. My first Mario RPG, and the memories will last a lifetime! Or something to that effect.

#3.5 – Luigi’s Plunger Adventures

#3 – Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
Improves upon Paper Mario in almost every way besides the exceptionally shitty backtracking in Twilight Town. But hey, I’m going to play it again for the Switch soon so I’m all smiles. See? *smile*

#2 – Super Mario World
If Super Mario World isn’t on your own list, then you can go fuck yourself.

#1 – Super Mario Bros. 3
I don’t think I have nostalgia for anything else on the planet quite like I have nostalgia for Super Mario Bros. 3. I remember when our NES was basically a paperweight by 1996, I spent a lot of time writing a novelization of the video game. The game is pretty much one of my favorite things ever. I like it better than lasagna, and I love lasangna.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The music played during Mario and Luigi’s plumbing commercial is actually the theme music of the kid show The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! (1989), starring Lou Albano as Mario and Danny Wells as Luigi.
AND WHY DIDN’T THESE TWO REPRISE THEIR ROLES??? Oh wait, they both have been dead for over 10 years. A shitty excuse, but I guess I’ll take it.

Designs for Mario and Luigi’s parents and relatives were based on sketches made by Nintendo that went unused in games.
So, different versions of Mario. Got it.

Marks the first time in non-video game media where Princess Peach is referred to as such outside of Japan, and the second time in non-video game media she was referred to as any name other than “Princess Toadstool.”
This is actually pretty interesting, and furthermore, I — sorry, I blacked out for a second there. I think I meant to say “who cares?”

Jack Black used Darth Vader as inspiration for his Bowser voice.
Oh really, because it just sounded like Jack Black’s overdramatic Tenacious D singing voice to me. Next!

Anya Taylor-Joy has admitted to playing some of the Super Mario games as research for voicing Princess Peach.
Whoa whoa whoa, ma’am. Don’t admit it too loudly or the jocks will kick your ass after school.

They’re called “vidya games”, Anya, and they’re “awesome”.

Seth Rogen does his trademark laugh almost deliberately after Mario shrinks himself with a Mini Mushroom during his fight with Donkey Kong.
lol “Seth Rogen’s trademark laugh”. I’ve found my new band name.