Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #2! In the previous installment, we get snippets of Grant McKay’s backstory as he evades a planet (?) full of sentient, warlike fish and frog creatures. He has dabbled in black science and betrayed many of his friends, some of them getting killed. He doesn’t want his family to get killed. That’s an important point that gets reiterated often.

He needs to get back to the pillar, and he does, and he and his team get transported to some other planet (?) full of soldiers and spacey warships. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on yet, but hey! That’s what Issue #2 is for!

Right?

Black Science, Issue #2 [December, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender

Hey, at the beginning of the comic I get a nice “Previously on Black Science” synopsis! I should just copy and paste that shit lazy-style. I hate “writing”.

OK, so where were we? I had to learn a bunch of names that were not “Peter Parker” so bear with me as I try to get my bearings on this comic book. There exists an idiom in this story: “from pillar to post”, meaning either to wander aimlessly from place to place OR from one bad situation to another. This will prove important when this story is ONLY about one bad situation to another.

Grant McKay (I assume) rolls (what looks like) a joint (marijuana). His work is finished after ten years; he never thought he’d see the day. “Sara still thinks this is all a validation quest. She thinks it’s a sickness. She doesn’t know anything.”

Sara, as you recall, is Grant’s wife. Whom he has failed. By fucking up irrevocably somehow using BLACK SCIENCE!

It’s a nice thought that Grant did this for the betterment of mankind, but he really did it because he loves science! And he’s not happy doing much else.

A very sexy woman in lingerie asks Grant why he becomes so introspective when he’s high. Can’t they just enjoy the moment?! Jesus.

Flashback – or flashforward, perhaps, I dunno – to Grant, his team, and his children stranded in the middle of god-knows-where Warzone Town that ended Issue #1. They didn’t get home as intended because SOMEBODY SMASHED THE HOMING BEACON! I’m looking at you, John Oliver. Now they can’t control where the pillar jumps. Grant’s son Nate snivels and sniffs. And, also, the timer is broken so it just decides on its own how much time is left before the next jump. In this case, four hours.

Relax, that’s enough time to watch, like, 1/10th of Avengers: Endgame

So the team freaks out at Grant even though this isn’t his FUCKING fault. Someone sabotaged the controls on purpose. Kadir, Mr. Boss of this Operation, screams at Grant to fix the machine. HE built it for criminy’s sake! Grant’s kids start crying. They want to go home. Don’t we all, kiddos. I’m at work right now and I’d love to go home.

Grant assures his wretched children that he’s on top of it. Meanwhile, Grant’s shoulder is hemorrhaging blood. Well, I mean, not hemorrhaging… more like just bleeding. Sorry about the overdramatic vibes, man.

Rebecca and Chandra fight. Rebecca wants to help Grant, but she shouldn’t get a say. This is Kadir’s project after all. Kadir calms these two ladies down and brings up the point that ONE OF THEM sabotaged the machine? Is that what’s going on here? Why have a saboteur in our midst? Are we ruling out John Oliver, because that would be Mistake #1, buddy.

“Maybe a design engineer worried about what would happen if the project was a success and she was no longer needed?” Kadir suggests smugly, referring to Rebecca while Chandra smiles devilishly. Rebecca gets fucking livid and calls Kadir a son of a bitch, but this only makes Kadir smile like the Joker. “Maybe someone wanted to extend the project for some other reason no one has thought to mention.”

Ward is a burly, beefy man, and he shoves Kadir like the asshole that he is. Tells him to go suck a dick. Eats his butt for dinner. That sort of thing. So Ward gets begrudgingly appointed temporary leader because he’s in charge of security and he can protect their skinny asses while the machine gets repaired.

“Hey, Pia, you hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?” asks Shawn.

“What?” responds Pia.

“You wind it up and it plays with your kids.”

I’m glad we can get a little levity in this harrowing situation! Shawn bringin’ the goods.

Some German soldier speaks Germanly as he descends down into the bunker. “DIE TCHEROKESEN BRECHEN DURCH UNSERE LINIE–!” he yells, which roughly translates to “my pants are moist in a brown way in the back of my pants”. Shawn yells as he is ambushed. “SABOTEURE!” screams the soldier. Grant leaps in front of Shawn as a bayonet gets shoved right into his side. Dingus.

Ward does fist punches into faces and grabs the soldier’s gun. Pointing right at the soldier’s face, Ward yells “WHO ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR?! WHERE ARE WE?”

Sprechen Englisch, por favor!

Kadir has gone to German School so he knows his way around an Oktoberfest. Meanwhile, Grant really is hemorrhaging blood this time and it’s not looking good. It’s scaring the kids for one thing, which is rude. Chandra didn’t think to pack the medical kit, which is almost as rude. Rebecca calls her, the Safety Regulator, a useless cow.

After a brief, hostile, German conversation, the soldier tells Kadir that they’re fighting Indians. As in, Wakan Tech-Tanka, Mecha-Hopi, Apache Tomahawks, Navajo War Crows, the whole shebang. From an uncharted continent. Isn’t that wild? Maybe it’s the Endless Nation.

Kadir smiles that Joker smile again. “We are also travelers from a far away land, Private Schmitt,” he tells the soldier (named Private Schmitt). “We are desperate to get home, but the man you just stabbed is our ticket back. Help us or I won’t be able to control my friend’s rage.” The friend he’s referring to is John Oliver! Or Ward, as the case may be.

Schmitt tells him that an Indian Shaman will do the trick. Just go over there in the direction of that U.S.S. Enterprise-lookin’ warbird. Good luck, chucklefucks.

SEVEN HOURS EARLIER, the crew celebrates finishing the Pillar! “This– this will change the course of our history!” says Jen the Dead Lady. Grant agrees. Yay Science!

“To have access to any resource needed from any dimension – this is the key to preserving our species!” Jen jubilates. Kadir is cynical, and quite peeved actually that they tested the Pillar without him even in the room. Chandra rats out the team, tells Kadir it wasn’t on the official schedule. Grant just figured to give a test run to see if nothing exploded before giving Kadir a holler.

“I greenlit this. Funded it. Gave you the chance to succeed after a lifetime of missed opportunities. This is beneath even you.” Kadir gives Grant a cold, hard stare.

Now, now. Let’s not bring Mr. Block into this. Dude smells like fertilizer.

Kadir thinks this was done on purpose. Grant left him out of this as an act of defiance! Two can play this defiant game! *Kadir sneers at Grant*

The thing is, Kadir thought the project would fail. He’s glad he was wrong about Grant and his team’s ineptitude. And now he can take all the credit! So congrats, nerds!

Back to the Indian-German War. Ward grabs a done and leads the march toward the Shaman. His internal monologue tells us that Grant gave Ward a second chance after getting dishonorably discharged from Dishwasher Repair Academy. Now he owes him a favor, like not letting him die in front of his kids. And suddenly, as they press forward, a giant robotic eagle goes KRAWKK! at them. It hovers near the team, appears to be taking photos with its glowing eyes, and flies away. The team sits confused for a brief spell before moving forward.

“Hey, Ward,” says Shawn.

“Yep.”

“What’s the longest organ in a sheep’s body?”

“Dunno.”

“Kadir’s dick.”

Ward remembers being in Afghanistan. This place is hot just like there. He had read his grandfather’s World War I journal before boot camp. Just page after page of horrors of trench warfare. “Never seemed possible anything could be that terrible. But this… this is worse.”

Futuristic Indians surround dead bodies. A German soldier screams for mercy. Rebecca bends over Grant’s lifeless body and tells him to wake up. Please.

Etc.

Final Thoughts

I’m only slightly intrigued thus far. Alternate histories aren’t really my thing, although I do like all the cussing and Kadir seems like a real jerk I’d like to get to know better.

Other than that, though real D- stuff. See you next time.