Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #6 – “Book I: Vader (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, Vader and Aphra infiltrate the base where Palpatine ordered replacements to be trained up to take Vader’s position. The project is spearheaded by Cylo-V, a sort of humanoid robot like Data from Star Trek without the love of painting and cats.

Vader confronts Cylo-V, but before too much can go down we have Emporer Palpatine showing up to witness firsthand just how effective the replacements actually are!

So… go on. Show him.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [August, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book I: Vader (Part 6)”

Don’t you love Palpatine’s grinning mug there on the cover? Don’t you want to just strip down and hump that face?

So Cylo-XXXLLL has been building this up for years. “It would be unwise to disappoint me,” Palpatine says, slithering each vowel and consonant around his slithery voice with his slithery tongue. Cylo agrees, and that’s why he won’t! Take that, bitch.

Cylo starts talking about stuff that makes no sense to me: his work was funded by the Astarte line of Celanon, but since they were secessionists in the Clone Wars, the Astarte passed “their children” onto Cylo. He has been tweaking their genetics and training them in combat ever since (that last part I understand! Tweaking genetics, yada yada yada, I get it).

In short, these Morit and Aiolin kids have known nothing else in their lives other than “Palpatine is great” and “Palpatine? More like Palpa-handsome!”

All the while, Vader fights them off.

Then there’s the matter of Trandoshan, whatever that is! I learned about those in Geometery class. A cyberanimate modification has been installed to control the bestial instincts. Guide them. It feels nothing other than what Emperor Palpatine desires!

All the while, Vader fights it off.

How about Tulon? She’s a scientist who looks like if Dr. Hugo Strange’s beard got shaved off and cobbled together to form a hair bun. She’s good at stuff! “She was a genius even before we enhanced her.”

All the while, Vader fights her off.

Show me some real shit, Cylo. I want to see anti-Force genital-gnashing space wolverines.

Some guy who looks like Admiral Ackbar is here to– NEXT!

Huff. Fine. “To the death!” Cylo yells to his warrior buddies. They all silently stand, look at Darth Vader for a hot second while he adjusts his underpants, and then it’s To the Death time. “Very well,” Vader says, looking to the Trandoshan. “You first.”

The Trandoshan growls! Then they go at it for a bit. Eventually, when it looks like Darth Vader’s gonna get killed, the one called Morit stabs the Trandoshan through the back with his lightsaber. Just tears him all up inside his guts and stuff.

Vader is unhappy. “That life was mine to take,” he whines. Always whining.

For some reason that I cannot fathom to save my life, Emperor Palpatine is pleased. He descends to the arena and addresses the whole group, Vader included. “You will strike down all that oppose us in this hour of chaos,” he tells them, meaning “who” instead of “that” but I’ll let it slide. “However, make no mistake. In the end, I only need one of you.”

Also, don’t kill each other please. That would really burn Palpatine’s potato. “WITH ME, VADER,” the Grand Chief Duchess of Space yells to his bootlicker.

“I am impressed. Gathering your own forces. Acting outside my system. I would have thought such initiative was now beyond you. Perhaps you will triumph against the others.”

Especially that weird horseshoe chin thing he’s got going on there.

Darth Vader forgets himself and calls Palpatine’s shit heresy. Pffft, look here you miserable pile of fake limbs and dead wives. Palpatine owns you. “Do not underestimate how much you disappointed me on Mustafar. I saved you – but you showed how off the mark you fell…”

Vader is hurt. HURT! “Cylo… has been training the twins for 20 years. All these years, you were considering replacing me.” The shiny-domed little twerp is actually about to cry right now. Look at him! He’s crying! lol!

Palpatine says that doesn’t matter. You pledged yourself to the Sith, right? Fight back, then. If you’re strong and you win, then so be it. If they win, then fuck you. Get it together.

Then Palpatine walks away, something he should’ve done 20 minutes ago, honestly.

DARTH VADER’S HANGRY! DARTH VADER NEEDS HIS SNICKERS!

Darth Vader returns from whence he came, meets up Doctor Aphra Kadaphra, and they launch the fuck off this base and never look back. But hey, Aphra’s got good news! Good news, buddy! Wanna hear it? Wanna hear it, boy? Do ya? Do ya?? Good boy! Boba Fett’s here and he wants to say he failed his efforts at finding Luke Skywalker! D’oh! I guess that’s not good news at all!

But he does know one thing: the kid’s name is Luke Skywalker.

Does that ring a bell, sir?

No?

OK, well bye? Thanks for not responding… weirdo…

Darth Vader stands there reminiscing about that one time when, like, Padmé was all like “I’m pregnurt with twinz”. And then that happy moment when he became the dark helmeted loser and learned that Padmé died.

“Skywalker…” he says to himself after cracking the fuck out of the giant window with the Force. “The Emperor. Now.” Vader demands this of no one in particular, but Palpatine does show up to the quarters via Star Trek hologram!

“I sense your anger. Great anger. Have you something to say? Some proud, defiant words?”

Yes, sir! Your hood reeks of pizza.

“Or are you wise enough to know your place?”

Eek. Sorry, I meant it reeks of lovely perfume.

Vader just stands there like a doofus for a second before bending the knee and lavishing Palpatine with creamy words of delicious servitude.

He now knows he has a son.

He now knows who he needs to find.

And he knows he looks like this:

lmao

Final Thoughts

THAT DOES IT FOR THE FIRST STORYLINE OF DARTH VADER’S VERY OWN COMIC BOOK SERIES! He’d love to know that nerds were making comic books about him. That sounds like something he’d appreciate for sure.

Tune in next time when Darth Vader loses his Saturday underpants and everyone makes fun of him for losing his Saturday underpants and also for having Saturday underpants in the first place.