Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Doctor Aphra successfully pulls off a heist where she steals credits from an Imperial ship heading back to wherever. She splits some among the bounty hunters, and it is revealed that Darth Vader was also behind the ruse! A twist! Fuck you, Empire! Maybe his and Aphra’s cut will buy him a bunch of jumbo Slurpees at 7-Eleven.

Well, bad news for Vader, because he’s going to be under scrutiny by a dude, hired by Grand General Tagge, named Inspector Thanoth. He’s going to get to the bottom of this strange and mysterious credits heist! Mark his words.

Vader’s going to strangle this guy with his jump rope.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [November, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 3)”

On Anthan 13, that pretty, sparkly moon, a small group of Rebel mercenaries are scoping out the area. They see Vader’s TIE fighter, meaning he’s alone! Perfect chance to pick him off and then celebrate with a can of shitty Red Bull.

They find Vader facing away from them. They think they’re slick, but he knows that they’re there. “At last. The Rebellion has many failings.” He whips out his throbbing red lightsaber. “Your slowness is most aggravating.”

On an orbital dockyard of Anthan Prime, Thanoth is radioing Vader to let him know that he’s all set up and he needs Vader’s assistance immediately, probably because he can’t reach the zipper on his beautiful dress. “I believe I have a lead to those responsible for the robbery…”

Vader’s head is hologram-style. “What made you so sure it was a crime and not an accident?”

Well, sir, Thanoth has a lot of fucking things to say about this. Footprints, thumbprints, breadcrumbs, bits of paper, a wrench, the Conservatory, and Col. Mustard in the flesh! “I examined its systems,” he says of the Imperial craft. “There was no sign of interference. In fact, suspiciously little sign of interference.” Well which is it? No interference or little interference? Check back with me one you take a fucking stance on it.

Something about asteroid metal content and deleted log files. Thanoth theorizes that a meteor storm was initialized deliberately under the guise of a freak accident. THEN they inflitrated the ship. THEN they busted open the vault. THEN they launched that shit into space to collect it later. Does that all sound 100% right, you black-helmeted dumbass?

Penetration suspicion, eh? Get your wife’s take on that one.

Vader says all this better be correct, because “his time is too precious to be chasing phantoms.” Sounds like someone is afraid of ghosts! Jinkies!

Thanoth agrees that this kind of investigation is beneath the both of them. “We can finish this quickly and return to more serious work,” Thanoth says. And BY THE WAY, Garth Vader, what brought you to Anthan 13 in the first place? Hmm huh eh hmm eh eh huh??

“I pursued a Rebel cell there. I dealt with them.”

“It wasn’t reported.”

“I do not consider eliminating a few Rebels a matter that requires comment.”

Sounds good to me! Let’s get some lunch!

After a hearty meal of Bantha steaks and Bantha milk (with Bantha giblets for dessert), Darth Vader meets up with Thanoth beneath the surface of Anthan Prime. They’re going to chase the Dragon, as it were. And by that I mean, they’re in pursuit of a man known as The Dragon, the most infamous of arms dealers in the area. Explosives? Bullets? Pellets for slingshots? All through The Dragon. “One of his dealers will be here. Doowan. A somewhat coarse gentlemen who I suspect will require a little persuasion.”

Oooooh, Doowan likes to be smooth-talked. I’m the man for the job. I’m smooooooooth as the dickens. Thanoth and Vader make their way to a droid fighting den. Kinda like cockfighting except with protocol droids going “oh dear, it appears to be fisticuffs at dawn.” Anyway, they need to lay low and look like they fit in to not attract any attenti–

SURPRISE! Heh heh! We baked you a cake!

Whoops, a gaggle of Stormtroopers are already there like “buh-what” when they see their master approach. Not expecting them at all. Thanoth gets pissed; this is supposed to be a clandestine matter and these motherfuckers are stormtrooping the place??

“We’re… sealing the perimeter as ordered, sir,” says the burbling leader of the troopers.

“STEP ASIDE!” booms Vader, and he stomps his way through the line of stormtroopers.

“Hmm. Whoever could be responsible for this uncouthness,” Thanoth asks himself, still completely oblivious to Vader’s involvement in all this. They walk into a warehouse-like structure and discover what’s-their-nuts, the twins, fighting some giant droids. Morit and Aiolin. I keep forgetting their names and/or why they’re at all important to the story.

Ducking for cover is some Medusa-looking guy. “…there’s our man, Doowan,” Thanoth says. He tries to get Doowan’s attention by yelling “HEY DOOWAN, BUDDY! OVER HERE, PAL!” Doowan threatens to shoot, but Vader Forces the gun out of his hands.

Time to talk, buddy. Vader has a few questions like “what’s your sign?” and “do you come here often?” Vader lifts Doowan by the neck against a wall while fighting continues in the foreground. “I can’t give you anything,” Doowan gibbers, lips looking like a couple of fornicating slugs. “There’s too many witnesses.”

SHUT UP! WHERE’S THE DRAGON?! RAAAWWWRR! WHERE’S THE DRAGON?! RARBABABRBABABLABLAB!!!!

“I… I… let me think.” Doowan pretends to think while Vader calls him out on pretending to think in order to stall. Ain’t gonna work.

“The Dragon is off-planet in the mid moons,” Doowan says. “Anthan 12.”

“A lie,” Vader responds.

“He’s… he’s… his mansion’s in the lower reach of Prime’s eastward core. 241-86-1872.”

We’re not kissing each other if that’s what you’re insinuating! Not at all! We mean it! Honest! Stop looking at us like that!

Ahh, I’ve called that number before to have a good time. It’s plastered all over every men’s room in the tri-county area. Vader finds this bit to be the truth, so they let Doowan go. Thanoth introduces him to Morit and Aiolin. “He knows many people in the arms supply business. I daresay they’ve supplied the Plasma Devils. As such, this man may be of some use to your investigations…”

Morit agrees! Then he whips out his lightsaber and slices Doowan’s head off or something. Maybe just cuts off a couple of head snakes. This is to show the planet that MORIT AND AIOLIN ARE NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH. “Now all can see how bloody the Imperial fist can be,” Aiolin says. “We cannot afford to show any of the usual weakness,” Morit adds.

Thanoth tut-tuts. “One should never send children to do an adult’s job, Lord Vader. And we live in a universe brimming full of children. Hmmm.” Thanoth walks away disapprovingly, then notices that Vader is just kinda standing there like a wet stump. He’s being too quiet (which is typical) and passive (which is not). You’re just going to let Thanoth lead this whole operation? It’s very sus, sir, as the kids say. Almost like you were entirely involved in this crime!

Nope! Vader is passive for exactly two reasons: 1) the last man that Grand General Tagge assigned to him was a traitor, and 2) Vader’s butt itches. “I’m trying to ascertain if you are… dangerous,” he tells Thanoth.

“Oh, I am, Lord Vader,” he replies. “But only to enemies of the empire.”

Elsewhere on Anthan Prime, Aphra and her droid buddies are flying her ship, the Ark Angel, and requesting landing at some highfalutin hovering space station. They are requested to dock at the tradesman’s entrance, which O-O-O finds rude enough to want to kill the whole station! Aphra tells him to cool his jets, because the trademan’s entrance is exactly where they want to go anyway.

…the dregs of society with their armpit-smelling spacecrafts and their ugly, pedophile robots on the bottom.

They meet up with some dude named Ante (or “The Ante” as he likes to be called). He looks like Scream mask. Now that Aphra can afford it, he offers her much information about many people. What do you want to know? He’s like a regular Entertainment Tonight exclusive!

Aphra passes The Ante an SD card. The Ante accepts and asks if they have the right guy before he’s ready to dish out the info on this mope. Aphra tells him YES and SPILL IT.

“Aphra, you’ve just spent a lot of money to get information you could probably have found through official records…” he says helpfully. She calls him faster and more discreet. She piles a bunch of credits on the table too. So SPILL IT. Tell me everything you know about this one guy named Taylor Lautner. Also, “Commodex Tahn.”

O-O-O doesn’t think this Commodex Tahn will be anyone Vader gives a shit about. Au contraire, my rusty friend. “They were morticians… on Naboo,” Aphra smiles.

Final Thoughts

I DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING! Am I supposed to know where this is going? MY STAR WARS KNOWLEDGE IS STILL PITIFULLY LIMITED. I barely knew the difference between Han Solo and Obi-Wan Kenobi three weeks ago! HELP! HELP!!