Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Doctor Aphra tortures some information out of a Naboo mortician who embalmed and buried Queen Amidala’s body. Namely, that she was pregnant. Pregnancy confirmed. Verily.

This information is useful to Vader for some reason even though he already knew she was pregnant before she died. I watched a movie about it! Vader tasks Aphra about setting up a meeting with the Ante to get more info about the Death Star Ruiner.

And while Vader isn’t worried about Thanoth, he doesn’t know that a tiny little tracking device is just sitting there on his own helmet. All blinking red and beeping. lol

Star Wars!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #11 [December, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 5)”

THE SPIRE. ANTHAN PRIME. Storms are a-brewin’. When Aphra asks Ante if he’s worried about having a base in this tumultuous location, Ante tells her that the tourism is worth it. All sorts of gawkers come on by to look at shit and it funds his business. Just don’t fly into a storm like an idiot and everything will be tip-top.

Aphra tells BT-1 and O-O-O to hang back. She won’t be needing those two nerds while she discusses matters of import with Ante the weird Scream-mask creature.

Meanwhile, Darth Vader is doing what he does best: silently staring out a window on his ship. Thanoth needs the strike force marshalled. Darth Vader motions toward his seven trillion Stormtroopers and tells him to open his fucking eyes once in a while. “I thought you the great inspector, Thanoth,” he chides JOVIALLY with a cute little chuckle.

Using his vast array of helpful resources (20-sided dice), Thanoth was able to locate Ante in an area of ANTHAN PRIME called THE SPIRE. Vader stares at him silently, likely making contorted “oh fuck” faces beneath his stinky helmet. And it is stinky; the dude eats so many Filet-O-Fish sandwiches that he would give Trump a run for his money (or what little money he has left lol lol lol). “This is… good, Thanoth,” Vader finally says with what I can imagine to be a quiver in his raspy, asthma-riddled voice.

Now they just need to find him before he destroys all his records! Chop chop! “This will lead us straight to the larcenists! And who knows what else?” Thanoth says with pride. Vader is pooping his bald egg pants, assuredly.

Aphra and Ante enjoy a nice chat beside a fireplace. Aphra asks for the whereabouts about a young man named Luke Skywalker. Perhaps you’ve heard of him? He pulled his pud while blowing up a Death Star? “I know who he is and why people would be looking for him,” Ante says.

I do believe this screen with the random squiggly nonsense speaks for itself.

Of course, Ante’s information comes at a cost. In the form of money. To him. Aphra gets out her bag of stolen credits. “Keep the change, eh?” she says while Ante drools over it. “You bring this much here? With nothing but a pair of droids for protection? You are trusting,” he says. This girl’s gonna get fucking whacked, man. I lightsaber right up the ol’ snatch.

After exchanging some heartfelt pleasantries, Ante gives up the goods. “He’s on Vrogas Vas.” That sounds like one of those tubes in the penis. Luke has no standards.

Right after the exchange, an alarm goes off. “IMPERIAL RAIDERS APPROACHING! ALERT! ALERT!” Elsewhere, O-O-O is gambling and loses at gambling and then he’s about the kill the guy when the Imperial Raiders finish approaching. Stormtroopers blast through a wall. “Resist and die,” Vader says, bringing up the rear with Thanoth. Then BT-1 pulls out a blaster gun and blasts a dude, and now a bunch of blasting is happening in all directions! Panels upon panels, pages upon pages of blasting!

Vader finds Ante holed up in his chambers. “I’m not in the mood for resistance, criminal,” he says while doing the Jedi hand thing. Ante begs for Vader to let him help. The records have been destroyed, yes, and sorry, BUT his noggin *taps noggin* is full of very useful information such as how to sew a button… and where the Plasma Devils have their secret base. Thanteen Substrata on Anthan One! Ha! And there’s more juicy info where that came from, ol’ sir.

Thanoth says he’s looking for the guy who stole all the credits. Ante rats Aphra out forthwith, who is involved in the fray. “She was here for a business meeting. Private, of course,” Ante says. Thanoth skips and jumps for joy.

Vader just kind of stands there… then he uses his Dark Side powers to launch concussive blaster force right through Ante’s chest. Thanoth takes this in stride. “Unlucky stray shot. He could have told us so much more.” Anyway, after the lass!

I will do everything in power to… whoops, she’s gone!

Aphra runs down a corridor getting chased by Stormtroopers. She slips under a descending metal door and shoots the keypad useless. “Triple-Zero? I’m incoming. Get the engines running.”

She bumps into Vader, who’s blocking the exit with his back turned. “Hi Boss,” Aphra says rather cheerfully. “This is tight, but I can get away. We have–”

“Do not struggle.” Vader pulls out his scary, mean, red lightsaber and Forces Aphra’s neck. She’s dying as all get-out… “I know… where the boy is,” she croaks. Vader drops her immediately. “Tell me,” he orders.

“I will… LATER.” Pffft.

Vader is caught between a rock and a hard place here, and promises that she’ll pay for this little stunt. He Forces a bunch of rocks to fall as Aphra boards her ship. Thanoth and the Stormtroopers come running. “She had prepared a trap,” Vader says matter-of-factly to the big dumbass inspector. “Ah traps,” Thanoth says, hanging his head. “Always good to set a trap.”

Aphra ends up flying through the storms of Anthan Prime in exactly the same manner that Ante warned her about. DOES SHE MAKE IT THROUGH? DOES SHE MAKE IT THROUGH?

“You see, Lord Vader. I plotted our blockade most carefully. There is no escape. Sooner or later, we’ll have her in our hands…”

Get over it, dude. She’ll never go out with you.

Final Thoughts

I love panels like above where Vader looks so fucking despondent. Like, maybe the illustrator intended more of a badass, intimidating vibe, but Vader always looks like he’s watching someone curb stomp his dog.

The thrilling conclusion of the story is next! Will Aphra and Vader escape this whole nonsense unharmed? Will Thanoth be thrown in a woodchipper? Let’s hope for both and then we can go get some ice cream.