Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #15 – “The Great Beast”! And hey, this is the end of the first arc. It’s been quite a trip. In the previous installment, Death has been led to the Lair of the Beast. The three Horsemen have been led to the Lair of the Beast. The four of them are going to all meet up at the Lair of the Beast. It’s gonna be fucking awkward. Let’s watch!

East of West, Issue #15 [September, 2014]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Great Beast”

“They are all our children. So they have no fathers, they have no mothers.“

House of Mao. It’s wartime, baby, and Xiaolian is scantily-clad for the occasion. Her advisors announce the Endless Nation’s arrival at the Republic of Texas. Let me put it in topical terms: the Endless Nation is Putin. The Republic of Texas is Ukraine. There you go.

Here’s some intel for you, Xiaolian, courtesy of the one known as the Widowmaker: The Endless Nation has been hoarding the shit out of new technology, beyond anyone’s wildest imaginations, and they’ve got the upper hand for reals. I’ll tell you that for free.

She asks for some more predictions. “Texas will fall, but at a cost,” envisions the one known as the Dragon, “the Nation does not have the army to withstand great losses. They are few, and their enemy is many.”

OK, well, that all sounds pretty dire, doesn’t it? No matter. There’s more out there in the great, big world than just the stinky Endless Nation and the stinky Republic of Texas. Such as, oh I don’t know, motherfuckin’ New Shanghai!

“Father always insisted we build our own weapons for two reasons: that our enemies not know our weakness, and that they also not know our strength.”

Out of nowhere, Xiaolian forgets that she’s not Japanese and commits a public act of seppuku. It’s weird.

Yeah, not at all a cry for help.

She rubs blood on her skull-crushing hands and facepalms her advisers. “Look at you, my glorious, blood-stained children. My Dragons. My Widowmakers. You are the secret weapons we made.”

Not creepy at all! Why is every little nation in this godforsaken future just lousy with nutso craziness?

FLASHBACK TIME! The good old days when Premier Mao’s head wasn’t chopped off quite yet. Looks like daddy’s rubbing salt in the wound of Xiaolian’s son being forcibly taken away. “If you are a mother, then tell me, little flower… where is your child?” Ouch! Burn! Snap!

Dad is all like, look little lady. Do you think I’m holding you prisoner here in our garden for funsies? I didn’t take your stupid kid away from you, make no mistake! So stop crucifying me, punk. What I did was take you back here to keep you safe, so maybe a THANK YOU would be nice? How about you cut me some slack, bitch? I’m trying to help you. These days, even though you married the Grim Reaper and he fucked a baby into you somehow, you’re still the better of my two children. Don’t even get me started on Hu and her cult. Gives me the heebie-jeebies! It’s a good thing you’ll crush her head in the future! Heh heh.

Well, Xiaolian ain’t listening. “I’ll never forgive you. I’ll never forgive you for the loss of my son.”

Sigh.

Here’s a harsh lesson for you, kiddo: “Do our children truly need us… or is it us, who needs them?”

VERY POIGNANT. LET’S MOVE ON TO SOMETHING ELSE. The Lair of the Beast! The kid hooked up to the Matrix. The Horsemen are coming, time to close up shop! The Floating Orb of Knowledge assures the little kid that they have everything they need. Seriously, let’s get a move on.

Son o’ Death is satisfied. He rips off his feeding-tube main power line thing.

That’s right. Time to cut the cord, Mama’s Boy.

The Floating Orb of Know-It-All-ism reminds the little urchin that reality is a scary place, and you ain’t got no fucking muscles. Proceed with caution.

The kid is like “ok”.

“What is a name but a very specific label?”

I’d like to think that this brat is white as a sheet because he’s been holed up 1000 feet in the ground for years, but it’s probably because Death himself is a white guy. I wonder if he wears a lot of sunscreen. SPF 490.

This kid is taking his sweet time getting his environmental suit on. The orb tells him that the Horsemen are due to arrive in about 63 seconds, and the kid is like “huh, seconds…time is pretty interesting.”

The orb is empathetic to the child’s lack of experience dealing with time. If he would like to load up the time-shifting program at any time, feel free! However, it drains so much power from the AAA batteries that it’s unclear how many times it can be used safely! “Cool,” he says.

They’ve run through an evacuation scenario exactly 157,203 times. He died roughly 3,000 times. That’s only a failure rate of two percent! Not too shabby! Now that this is real life, the kid is a little excited at the prospect of possibly dying permanently. Makes things a little more compelling!

Funny thing is, this kid is prepared for the full adult forms of the Horsemen. Not some snot-nosed pants-pooping children his own age. Ohhhhh boy.

This must be what Keith Morrison feels like when he gets those orgasm shivers about murder on Dateline.

Oh, the hubris. The closer these three get to the Lair, the more they think the constraints of the Message are loosening. “Killing that runt is going to feel downright liberating,” War declares with fervent anticipation. Like these three are going to be able to go against the Word. Hasn’t happened yet, it won’t happen now.

This little Beast is waiting like a spider on the corridor ceiling. Once the three Horses pass by, he thumps to the floor and scurries off in the opposite direction like a scared rat. “Looks like the Great Beast of the Apocalypse is running for his life. Isn’t he just so goddamned terrifying?” Conquest sneers while War directs the two to try to head the kid off at the outer hub. “And hurry up,” the red one says, “I’m dying to pull out his fingernails.”

So Famine and Conquest take off in opposite directions. Conquest rounds only one corner and finds the kid just standing there in the hallway, his Floating Orb of Knowledge lying on the floor. Not very floaty. Certainly not looking very knowledgeable at the moment.

“Come play with me, Conquest. Forever… and ever… and ever…”

“I would have guessed you were going to keep running, like the cowardly little dick you are,” Conquest says, fearlessly. This little blue bitch is going to get ravaged.

The Beast doesn’t move at all. Conquest yells and starts running toward him while the kid calmly analyzes and understands the insult like Data from Star Trek. “Ah! I understand. A naming convention. Until now all I have ever heard living things referred to by was strict biological classification within a taxonomical hierarchy.”

While he says all this, the Floor Orb shoots out a laser and cuts off Conquest’s foot. The little ravaged blue bitch is moaning and yelling, but Beast Jr. doesn’t even notice. “For example, in the past, you were cataloged in our database as: Mythological: Artificial: Reanimate: Apocrypha: Horseman.”

Conquest doesn’t argue. How could he/she? All the attention right now is toward the missing appendage.

The Orb tells the Beast that this Horseman is named Conquest. The Beast asks the Orb if it has a name. “Yes. I do. It is DHF001-DFF09.666.”

The Beast thinks that name sucks! He decides to rename it. “Can I call you Balloon?”

Balloon is very pleased.

The Beast asks Balloon to run a simulation of the Union mainframe, Simulation 32,879. It launches three rockets out of the White Tower, much to Antonia LeVay’s complete surprise!

But shortly into the simulation, the Beast realizes something. He has been fed all this objective information for years without being told names of any of the living organisms, mythological or otherwise. “To put it bluntly, you didn’t want morality impeding my logic – names convey humanity, they inject compassion.”

The Beast is correct. He used the orb’s tether to start whipping it around, gearing up for an attack.

“But does all life have value?”
“Yes.”
“And what’s this one’s life worth?” the kid asks of the grimacing, panting Conquest.

That’s Conquest! A Horseman of the Apocalypse! He was present at the downfall of Rome! The tearing down of the Temple in Jerusalem! He was in Hiroshima! He was in Nagasaki!

Conquest has also spared a single life many, many times. He was a mother, a mother who loved, even at his own expense.

“Yeah, but what’s he worth?”
“This day? To you? Very, very little.”

Good enough!

The Beast lets loose the orb, crushing Conquests head with dizzying speed.

I eat Horsemen like you for breakfast.

“Do you wish to continue?” asks Balloon, referring to the simulation, “If not, I really should divert the rockets.”

Yeah, go ahead and continue. Beast and Balloon were just on their way out anyway! Before the Beast takes his leave, he tells the still-barely-alive Conquest to relay a message to the others. “In the future, when you speak of me…make sure it’s with the proper amount of respect.”

He leaves.

*INTERMISSION DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOOO*

The other two Horsies find their fucked-up friend passed out on the floor. “Hey. You’re missing a foot.”

“Wuh…wuh…wuh…wuuunn…” Conquest responds, helpfully.

“Can you understand any of this?” War turns to Famine.

“Nope,” says Famine.

“Wuh…wuh…wrruuunnhh…” spoketh the Conquest.

“Still not getting it,” War responds impatiently.

Conquest jerks up and grabs War by the shirt.

You mean the Message has always been right so far? You don’t say…

The three rockets continue soaring through the air, making a beeline for the Lair of the Beast.

“He is the Beast. He is the Message.”

“He is…our Master.”

BOOM!

Meanwhile, Beast Boy floats in the air, gripping onto his trusty balloon. “Whoa.”

And I don’t get to see a Horsemen reunion! Rip off! Death finally rides up to the hole in the ground. “Oh, no… NO!”

Beast Boy hovers delicately. “I don’t remember ever being outside. I think I should have a name too.”

Balloon agrees, and after a long-winded history lesson about the very first city built by a man who was defined solely by his city, whose name was his name, a city built on a foundation of truth that other people destroyed, Balloon decides the child should be named Babylon.

Death approaches the hole and starts mourning.

“You will be Babylon,” continues Balloon, “the man without a father… without a mother…”

“You will build a new city. But yours will be more than just brilliant, it will burn and set the world aflame. To purify it, so that your city might stand forever.”

Babylon takes to the name well.

♪ ♫ Friends forever… ♫ ♬ ♪

Just like that one Mr. Show sketch, sometimes when you don’t quite fit in, you just have to follow your balloon.

Balloon sows the seeds of propaganda early on in this reality. “Yes. You can trust me. Others will lie to you – try to deceive you… but I never will.” Yeah, sure, just give it another handful of issues. This kid will be aiming a gun at this orb while it begs for mercy.”

Balloon turns on his visor to show the kid the “reality”. All he sees in front of him is a smoldering wasteland of skulls, plumes of smoke, a sky red with destruction and ruin.

“You were right. There is nothing to save here. It is dark. It is death.”

And, of course, Beast is standing in the middle of a beautiful, serene, lively meadow. Crystal blue skies, flowers as far as the eye can see.

“We have to destroy this awful place… and build something better.”

Final Thoughts

And thus ends Season 1 of this riveting dystopian drama!

I’ll be moving away from East of West for now, but I won’t be gone for long. Not long at all. This is every bit as good as I’ve heard. Too bad production for the TV series got canned. I wanted to see Death played by like Jon Hamm or some shit.