Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #42 – “Risk”! In the previous installment, we catch up with all the remaining Chosen. John Freeman VIII is not dead, but his King Dad thinks he is, so he’ll ride out his remaining days with Wolf in the Endless Nation. Archibald is willing to trade his niece’s life for victory in his war (and she was awake to hear it…). Mao’s army marches to the battlefield. Archibald’s much, much, much, much bigger and more well-equipped army will meet them head on while Bel Solomon watches the Confederacy’s most assured victory.

And here I am sitting here with a pants full of poop! What’s next? Let’s continue!

East of West, Issue #42 [April, 2019]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Risk”

“This is how it ends, where it all began.“

War reiterates that, while Death trapises around trying to get his kid back from the other two Horsemen, he’ll be waiting. “Just name the place,” Death grimaces, covered in blood. “I’ll be there.”

HOW ABOUT THE MCDONALD’S PLAYPLACE?! HA HA HA! FUN!

“How’s the Valley of the Gods sound?” War says. “Can you pay the toll to walk that road, old man?”

“You think I won’t?”

“Oh I hope you do. It’s perfect really… the last time we left things so unfinished.”

Flashback time, yet again. The Chosen, alive and well, all stand together on a giant desert bluff. The Horsemen, genders reversed, yell up at them. “YOU GODDAMNED ANIMALS!” yells Death (Death is still a man, btw). War, full of butts and boobs, holds a bloody sack. Death betrayed the three of them, somehow. I don’t know how. But Death betrayed them! And it’s not looking good.

“Where’s my wife?” Death yells.

“Oh, that tasty bitch has slipped this mortal coil,” says Conquest, looking quite ravishing in her skull face.

War throws the bloody bag toward Death. “Saved you some.”

Out of the bag rolls an arm, hand to elbow. Xiaolian’s old meat appendage.

Death has some fond memories of that arm.

Ah yes, the good times.

Death picks up the arm and glares murderously. “There he is,” smiles War as Death perks up. Death promises to gun War down, but Famine is like “guns, sir? That’s dumb”.

“Look how far you’ve fallen,” Famine adds, brandishing his weird double-sword.

“Fair enough.” Death grabs his own sheathed sword. “The old way, then.”

Stab. Slice. Stab. Crash. Stab. Stab. Slice. Dice. Splut. Flump.

“NO!” screams Conquest as Death chops Famine in half right at the torso.

I forgot all about the Chosen! They’re just fucking watching the scene. Bel Solomon grabs a gun. The old Union president tells him not to waste a bullet. Only a Horseman can kill another Horseman. It’s the law. Or a weapon made by one of them. That’s the loophole. “That gun just ain’t gonna cut it, son,” says Hu Mao.

Bel doesn’t care, he wants to try. Sounds fun in any case. BLAM! Nothing happens. War and Death are still punching each other around. Conquest breaks out her Mickey Rourke Iron Man 2 whip. “There was a time when I feared you more than anything…” she says, whipping the thing around Death. It doesn’t seem to do anything. “But I see you now for what you are… And all that fear is gone.”

Death is like “yeah, well” and then slices Conquest right through her torso as well. Up on the bluff, Ezra Orion cries for his dearly departed Horseman Mommy. A bullet falls out of Conquest’s head. Take that, Bel.

Then a Hell Beast erupts out of her body.

You’re looking so cute today, Conquest.

The Hell Beast wraps its weird tendrils around Death, aiming to suck him into its gaping maw. Death throws his dagger at its head, and that does the trick.

Orion continues crying and screaming and thrashing.

And then there was War. She lets out a barrage of missiles. “Let’s see how you do with this,” she cries triumphantly. Death does a little skeet shooting and is able to get rid of each one. War compliments his gun prowess and then stabs him through the chest with a fire sword! Because why not?!

“You think it doesn’t hurt me to see you like this? It does,” War says, probably lying her ass off. “I would have loved you until the universe expanded into nothing – until the very end of all that is… But instead you loved her.”

Ahh, the plot thickens like shitty gravy! This is about love! Horseman love! The most pure kind of love there is!

“Why?” War yells. “WHY!?!”

“You act like I had a choice.”

War lifts her sword up for the finishing blow. Death picks up Bel’s bullet and fires it with his fingers – right through War’s forehead. She thumps down to the ground, dead.

By now, the Chosen have airshipped their way down to the ground while Death coughs and wheezes and crawls across the dirt. Ezra Orion runs to his dead, ugly mother and sobs. Archibald sees it for the embarrassing display that it is.

The rest start taunting Death. He glares up at the lot of them. Bel Solomon, for one, is fucking livid.

TEXAS JUSTICE!

Then Bel stabs Famine’s sword, loophole style, right through Death’s chest. Death’s face is twisted into a mask of horrible, immense pain.

Hu snorts. Union Guy asks, mildly, what Bel has done. Cheveyo chides silently. “Now… ain’t that something,” says Archibald. Orion is still crying, not paying much attention.

“We’re leaving,” Bel says, walking away from Dead Death. “It’s over.”

We end with the continuation of present War’s monologue: “I will see you there, Death. I will see you, and you will see me. And we will settle this once and for all.”

Final Thoughts

Kind of bittersweet, isn’t it? War’s unrequited love. Death loving some Chinese chick instead. Just like in real life. Really makes you think!

Well, it really makes somebody think! I’m going to get some Doritos.