Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #44 – “Conquest”! In the previous installment, the following happened:

-The Three Horsemen take Babylon to the Valley of the Gods where they died.

-Death visits the Oracle.

-Archibald and Xiaolian are in a heated battle with both sides rather evenly matched.

Two more issues to go! Is Babylon going to eat the Earth like a tasty Chicken McNugget?? He’s a lucky boy!

East of West, Issue #44 [November, 2019]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Conquest”

“There’s only one way this ends…“

“Don’t just sit there gloating, man, tell me… Are they all gone? Are they all dead?” Bel Solomon looks weary. Archibald pores over his battle plans, puffing on his cigar. No, they are not all dead. This is taking forever! Can’t we just drop the syphilis bombs?

Xiaolian looks defeated, but then the bombed Widowmakers start rising from the bloodshed. “It’s not so easy to kill a Dragon,” her sideman says. “Not so easy to kill a Widowmaker.”

They get up and prepare to charge Archibald’s army again. “We win or die here today! Forward! For MAO!”

Lots of fighting.

Lots of carnage.

Lots of blood.

Lots of guts.

Lots of cum.

I’m just adding some space so I can post a panel.

Do I have enough room yet?

I think so?

Yeah, I’ll give it a go.

War is Heck, man. War is Heck.

“I’m sorry, my love…” Xiaolian speaks into her one-way Death walkie-talkie. “If you can hear me… I’m sorry. I wanted more than anything to see our child again and to hold you both. But I cannot stand by, watching as my people die, and do nothing.” She is presented with a pair of curved blades. She’s gonna enter the fray!

Bel Solomon brings this to Archibald’s attention…

Wolf and Freeman are in awe…

And Xiaolian is ready to fuck a bitch up!

“One of us lives, one of us dies.”

“Mao has left her perch and is headed for the battlefield, sir!” screams Archibald’s very open-mouthed general. “What do you want us to do?”

Archibald tells him to do nothing. This is for him to enjoy.

That Carlos Mencia is hilarious!

He doesn’t care about acts of bravery. He has so sympathy for fools. He’s going to take advantage of this tout suite. He laughs maniacally! This is entertainment of the highest order! Grab the popcorn and the Milk Duds! “Sit back, Bel. Sit back and watch.”

Xiaolian looks absolutely deranged as she decapiates a Confederate soldier.

“This here is bloodsport,” Archibald continues, savoring each word like it’s candy on his tongue. “And it is undertaken for our amusement.”

Heads keep rolling. Xioalian is good at this. Arms, limbs. She swipes, they fall. She stands atop a giant pile of bodies while about 50 soliders train their guns on her. “Well, come on,” she says. “Who wants to die next?”

Archibald calmly revels in the calamity. He’s impressed, that’s for sure, but not impressed enough for mercy. Not even on his best day would this snakey motherfucker be merciful. “All I can offer is a swift end. Which I will not.” He means to drag this out. Cause pain and suffering and torture. Slowly.

I’ve been predicting this for many issues, but this right here is going to be his downfall.

“John, I want you to do something for me,” Wolf says, pointing at his erect penis.

Now suplex that cactus over there. SUPLEX IT!

In the Valley of the Gods, Babylon is roughhousin’ with Conquest. Lots of rasslin’ on the ground, trying to beef this kid up to be the Great Beast. War is pleased with his progress. “You’re the manifestation of Death pushing himself too far. You’re his weakness… and you’ll be his undoing.”

Babylon is like “cool story, bro” and says he can think of another way of looking at things. Balloon chimes in to say that Babylon, as you all remember, was born and raised in a virtual environment. He’s run through thousands upon thousands of scenarios just like this one. Famine “Hrmpt!”s at this! Conquest, though, finds this information worthy of consideration. “He’s the Great Beast.” He looks to War. “Why don’t you ask him what we should do.”

Babylon has figured out how to beat Death! He’s been crunching the numbers and it’s foolproof! Ready for it? Here it is…

Apologize. Be his friend and apologize. Give Babylon back, he’ll let bygones be bygones. Promise.

“…yeah, can’t see that coming to pass,” says War. “We’re just going to have to fight it out.”

“Well then…” Babylon responds. “You’re fucked.”

Speaking of fucked, Xiaolian waits for the inevitable butchering of her person. “LET’S FINISH THIS!” she says, but the roaring of the Hell Beast, Buer, rumbles in the background. Ye Gods!

It speaks!

“Thissss isssss what comesss of war. Death and dying in vain. Sssssweet oblivion for the meatssssss.”

Oh, he’s eating everyone up all right. Freeman rides him like a horse and orders him to grab Xiaolian and get the hell out of here. He obeys.

Ew.

Xiaolian angrily asks Freeman why he saved her. Because Wolf asked. Wolf asked and Freeman said ok. “Something about him and your husband. Debts and honor and a bit more bullshit. I agreed because you didn’t deserve to go out like that. So when you see my brother, make sure you thank him… But remember, it was me who got it done.”

Fair enough, boss.

Archibald’s very loud and constantly horrorstruck general asks if they should pursue them. Archibald asks what for? He thought at first a slow death would be fun, but leaving her alive with nothing? There’s a certain deliciousness to that as well! “It suits her,” he says, obviously packed to the gills with sour grapes.

Flashback to the Axis when War plucked the Oracle’s eyeballs right out of her sockets. “I spoke too much truth… I spoke of love… And your defeat at the hands of it,” she tells Death, who, as you recall, is paying her a little visit.

Death takes out his gun and shoots her shackles right off of her. “Yes… That’s part of it.” She lunges at Death nudely. “But not all. You still owe me an eye, Death!”

And he brought her one all right. A rhyming type, to be sure.

She doesn’t want it.

Tastes like chicken!

“I’ve always hated them – my old eyes. Because I’ve always known… They were never the pair I was meant to end with.”

“Shit,” Death says to himself right before the Oracle plucks his remaining eye out of its socket.

“Thank you, Death. Thank you for righting this old wrong.”

She suddenly morphs into a very beautiful, but very sad, but very vibrant, woman. “Ah. Ah, much better. Now, you blind fool of a man…” she grabs his hand gingerly. “Let’s go find your son.”

Meanwhile, Archibald kicks up his heels. “Tell me, Bel… Was today as satisfying for you as it was for me?” And Bel all but tells Archibald that he can go fuck himself with a barbed wire pineapple. He’s tired of all this. He can’t take it anymore. “Can’t we just put an end to this?” Bel asks, implying his own swift death. Absolutely not! If anything else, Archibald wants to raise him up! He’s Bel Solomon, go-getter extraordinaire! And then Archibald will strike him down! Ha!

Suddenly, a large explosion rocks their ship. Soldiers get picked off left and right. Archibald tells Bel to strap in, this is the part where he’ll be raised up!

It’s Thomas the Hunter. It’s Justice. And he’s here to deliver it.

Archibald looks on smugly. “Hmmm… so you say… so we’ll see.”

Final Thoughts

One more issue to go! I don’t know how in the ungodly fuck they’re going to wrap this up. Maybe Issue #45 will be 44 times longer than a regular issue? That might do nicely.