Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 1)”!

I’ve done the work. I’ve watched the first six movies. I’ve already finished one of the novels. It’s time to dig into the comics.

I’m sticking with the Marvel canon comics for a while, for no other reason than they’re fairly new. I like the idea of seeing what was going on between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, so I’m hopping in right around that time period. I expect a lot of Luke Skywalker crying and Princess Leia strutting around in bikinis of various metal alloys. Also, Darth Vader crying and/or strutting. There’s a lot that could happen here.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [March, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 1)”

Hell yeah, cover art. Check out that OG crew with super serious looks on their faces, ready to battle all the Imperial soldiers and/or Jabba the Hutts. Even C-3PO looks like he’s ready to strangle a bitch, but not really. He always looks like he’d rather stay home and take a bath.

“It is a period of renewed hope for the Rebellion. The evil Galactic Empire’s greatest weapon, the Death Star, had been destroyed by the young Rebel pilot, Luke Skywalker. With the Imperial forces in disarray, the Rebels look to press their advantage by unleashing a daring offensive throughout the far reaches of space, hoping to defeat the Empire once and for all and at last restore freedom to the galaxy…”

This means that, immediately following the events of A New Hope, Luke, Leia, and Han didn’t just go to their respective homes and binge through marathons of NCIS while eating hot dogs. They continued to do stuff, and we’re going to see exactly what that stuff was because this shit is CANON, my friends.

A spacecraft hovers over that one shitty desert planet. “Tatooine shuttle, your credentials have been approved. You are cleared for landing at Weapons Factory Alpha.”

This hunk of garbage lands in the Corellian Industrial Cluster of Cymoon 1, whatever that is. This place looks like it emits more greenhouse gases than Louie Anderson during a meal of franks and beans; everything is so brown. Like Louie Anderson’s toilet after a meal of franks and beans. An Imperial officer, flanked by stormtroopers, sneers at this incoming shuttle. “Outer Rim scum. I can smell them already.” He tells the troops to kill everyone if there’s any funny business going on. Just load them up with laser blasts and CGI special effects if one of them even drops a tissue.

The doors of the craft open. The Imperial officer welcomes the hitherto unseen visitors and looks forward to an afternoon of negotiations! He is Overseer Aggadeen, and he’s a craggy-faced motherfucker.

Emerging from the shuttle is a rather dashing young Harrison Ford lookalike! R2-D2 is with him, looking like the blue and white garbage can that he is. A real dream team.

Watch your tongue, Handsome, or my stormtroopers will strangle you with your own very dapper vest.

Some brain-robot thing positively identifies Han Solo as a known associate of Jabba the Hutt with a bounty on his head of 50,000 credits. Han doesn’t even blink at this. He even finds it rather funny! Overseer Aggadeen isn’t interested in the exploits of Han “The Rock” Solo. He demands that Han and his cronies remove their weapons before entering the premises or else they’ll get a fistful of teeth-breaking brass knuckles. Han willfully relinquishes his pistols, but far off in the distance he’s got Chewbacca stationed at his Sniper Zone. By that I mean, he’s ready to blow some Imperial heads off if one of them even drops a tissue.

After some rather flowery prose, C-3PO subverts the trademark Star Wars phrase. “I have a very good feeling about this,” he gushes.

*laugh track*

Aggadeen leads the way. “The negotiator will deliver the Empire’s terms and you will accept them,” he tells Han sternly. “Your organization will provide whatever raw materials we require and will take the pay you are given, without complaint.” And, in classic fashion, Han Solo bats his eyes because he thinks he’s cute. They arrive at a conference room where Mr. Negotiator will be shortly…

The classic Piss Distraction tactic! Well played, sir.

Han ain’t here to negotiate! In fact, he’s here to not negotiate! In fact, he’s going to be hella destructive and belligerent about it. R2-D2 pisses on the floor and then zaps the piss with electricity and then all the stormtroopers who are standing in the piss get electrocuted! Everyone gets their ass kicked except Aggadeen, who gets to bug out his eyes and stammer for a minute. “Oh my… this is… This is insanity. What kind of envoy are you?”

Han’s two bodyguards remove their helmets, revealing Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, who you may remember from the movies! Han aims his gun, which he should have relinquished earlier, at the hapless Overseer. “Which way to the main power core?” Han demands, brow furrowing like he thinks he’s the biggest badass this side of, like, Krypton or Vulcan or whatever.

Rebels. Yes, Rebels. The Rebels are here to be rebellious. “This moon is the most heavily guarded base in the galaxy,” Aggadeen says, still alarmed at this TWIST. “You cannot possibly escape alive.”

Han asks again, very sweetly, where the power core is. R2-D2 threatens to zap Aggadeen’s dick. Aggadeen points the way. Leia punches him in the face and they all skedaddle.

Meanwhile, Chewbacca and C-3PO have hid the Millennium Falcon in a landfill where no one will ever look twice! Because the ship looks like scrap, you see. “If I may say so, Captain Solo, I do find it rather disconcerting that your vessel continues to be so easily mistaken for garbage.” Ha. That’s C-3PO bringing the funny! Someone get him a microphone and a brick wall behind him.

C-3PO is instructed to hit the autopilot as soon as Han gives the signal, which will likely be the Shocker. Han’s group of ninnies finds the power core and decides to stare at it for a bit. Then they’re going to rig it to blow up, because that’s how we solve every problem in Star Wars.

A true Jedi can also tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi.

Luke finds some stairs leading to a basement where a bunch of alien-types are trapped in a very large cage. A big lug of a guard threatens Luke with a baton to the skull. Luke responds by activating his lightsaber and waving it around a little. He slices off the guard’s hand, which seems a little harsh to me considering Luke kind of knows what that feels like. Then he lightsabers the bolt of the cage. “YOU’RE FREE, LITTLE BIRDS! FLY! FLY AWAY!” …he doesn’t say that, but he may as well have. He instead tells them all to follow him if they hate the Empire’s guts. Which they do. Everyone does. Especially when it happens to Strike Back.

DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE INITIATED. They have ten minutes to get the hell out of dodge, which is a conveniently round number. Too bad Luke is nowhere to be found, that dingbat. He’s probably off in closet somewhere stroking himself. Again.

Leia thanks Han for all his services. And for showing his face in front of the Imperials, who now know that Han Solo is fighting for the Rebels. To this, Han goes “no no no no no no, it’s not like that at all!” But his protests are thin and flimsy like so many dropped tissues.

Luke shows up. Everyone’s ready to board the ship!

Gee, thanks Luke. The Millennium Falcon can only hold 900 lbs, but whatever.

C-3PO kicks on the autopilot, but nay! They’re not leaving yet! A ship is arriving! The Negotiator is here to conduct his business, and if it ain’t negotiating then he ain’t want no part of it.

It’s Darth Vader. Spooky! (I think that’s the bad guy, but I only watched the first six movies so I can’t be quite sure yet)

Oh shit, man, Darth Vader. The Darth Vader. Chewie can’t assassinate him in front of the whole Empire and God and everyone. It’ll draw just a teensy bit too much attention to this little rogue power core explosion mission. Han radios Chewie and tells him to stand down. Leia thinks this is cuckoo bananas, grabs Han’s wrist and orders Chewie to take the shot. Blast Vader’s brains all over his Darth Suit.

Don’t forget, men and women, that Darth Vader is the most Jediest Jedi that has ever Forced his way through a paper bag. He uses his Vader-sense and picks up on the impending laser bullet through the ol’ brainpan. So he throws a few disposable stormtroopers right into the path of Chewie’s shot. Chewie looks through his scope and sees Vader looking right at him. With a hearty “HHRRRRRRRRR”, Chewie is just about to pull the trigger when Vader channels the power of magnets and ghosts and sends Chewie’s hideout toppling around him.

“It was a Wookiiee. After him,” Darth McGarth orders. One of his stormtroopers humbly informs the Darthed One that the, uh, power core of the main reactor is currently melting down. Well, fiddlesticks.

Wait ‘til I tell him that Daddy’s Home.

Alarms go off in the power core room, signaling near doom and death (or both) for Han, Leia, and the other guy.

“THREEPIO, GET US OUTTA HERE! HIT THE AUTO-PILOT!”

“I did, sir. I pressed the button… five minutes ago. I’m afraid… nothing happened.”

Well fuck you very much, C-3PO. You’re the big smartypants robot, figure something out. Han Solo rightfully calls him a rude name while little squid-like creatures with green hoods are tearing pieces off the ship and squirrelling them away. lol there

Han tells C-3PO to go out there and stop them. C-3PO vibrates nervously. Han tells him to grab a gun. C-3PO quivers.

Ambushed by stormtroopers, Team Rebel opens fire while booking it out of the room and into another room. The other room contains hella Imperial AT-AT Walkers, which makes Han positively salivate with orgasmic excitement.

“Can you even drive one of those things?”
“I can drive anything. Let’s go!”

They lost Luke again, who scrambled back to that self-stroking closet that he likes so much. In actuality, he’s been following a mysterious, disembodied voice down the corridor.

“Luke…”

“Ben? Ben, is that you?”

“Luke… Listen to me carefully…”

Luke unsheathes his glowstick. Vader, at the end of the corridor, advances toward Luke with his own red neon light.

“RUN.”

Final Thoughts

Yeehaw! We’re cooking with gas now! Excitement and thrills! Live long a prosper, Space Wars Nerds!