Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, the Rebels fight the Empire for a bit in the Cymoon 1 weapons factory and then the Rebels get away!

That’s it.

Oh, Vader seems impressed with Luke Skywalker for reasons that aren’t readily apparent to anybody. He wants to deal with the kid himself. Maybe smooch him on the lips like Tom Brady does with his son.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [May, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 3)”

Look at Luke on the cover, plowing through stormtroopers like anyone on Earth really thinks he’s a badass. Luke ain’t shit.

Oh look, he’s still plowing through stormtroopers in the first couple panels of the comic! If you bought this based on the cover art, then congratulations. It lives up to what it advertises.

Princess Leia has just shot down a TIE fighter from their cockpit of the AT-AT walker, which Han Solo barely compliments. They’re heading to the junkyard where they will most assuredly find the Millennium Falcon in a million pieces. And C-3PO’s head screwed onto his butt. Han Solo thinks this robot is useless. I agree.

Speak of the devil, C-3PO continues to be carted off by one of those tentacle-faced scavengers. He doesn’t seem to be too alarmed, saying things like “oh dear” and “oh my”. He’s lucky that Chewbacca showed up to save the day, shooting his big guns in the right directions. Han Solo is pleased that someone other than C-3PO is around to actually, possibly, maybe, get the Millennium Falcon back up in the air. Meanwhile, Han drives the Imperial walker right into an army of scout walkers and assault tanks. “Remind me to never attack another weapons factory,” he quips. Adorable.

Luke is speeding along on his *checks pages upon pages of Star Wars notes, character charts, timelines, and battle strategies* speeder bike trying to catch up with his chums. A couple of stormtroopers are riding their own *checks books upon books of Star Wars monster manuals, star charts, planetary alliances, and sexy metal slavery fashion accessories* speeder bikes trying to catch up with Luke.

Stupid kid whips out his shiny light sword every chance he gets. Which he didn’t earn, by the way.

Leia realizes that the factory personnel must have been able to stop the meltdown sequence since, you know, nothing ended up getting all explode-y. Han grumbles about this, feeling like he made it all this way to Cymoon 1 for nothing! Maybe if he has time he still can visit some of its lovely, polluted mud-and-sludge beaches!

Among all this action-packed tomfoolery, Darth Vader slowly ambles around some wreckage. Overseer Aggadeen is happy to report that the factory isn’t going to get all explode-y, which Vader takes as a given. What, do you want a pat on the back Overseer Fuckface? Bring all the troops you can to this location, the Rebels are getting away!

Vader whips out his own shiny light sword, the red one to symbolize evilness, and starts slashing the Imperial walker frantically like he’s trying to kill a fly, melting pieces off of it. Meanwhile, Chewie needs about *checks sundial* 30 hours to fix the Millennium Falcon in order to adequately take it into the air.

Good thing Luke is there to SAVE THE DAY like an asshole. Eventually. Right now, Leia and Han are pessimistic about their ability to stay alive for a few more minutes while Vader continues trying to topple the walker. “How many times do we have to kill that guy before he actually dies?” Han quips. Adorable.

Han and Leia look at each other preparing to smooch each other’s faces off before Vader gives the final blow that sends the walker to the ground. “Move in for the kill,” he tells himself in his most intimidating James Earl Jones-like voice.

Luke flies in to SAVE THE DAY. Like an asshole. Han appears to be seven kinds of unconscious while Leia, a tiny woman, hefts him up with one arm and blasts bitches with the other. Leia urges Luke to give it up and follow them, but Luke is steadfast in his resolve (aka dumb) and wants to straight up murder some more Imperial officers.

So help me God, Luke, you’re going to get such a noogie.

Stormtroopers alert Vader that one of the Rebels is headed back to the factory, but since Vader wants to deal with Luke himself, he’s all like “I’m gonna deal with this one myself” and heads over to deal with Luke himself. And before you know it, Vader is chasing Luke down in one of those vehicles that shoots people. You know, every vehicle in Star Wars.

Overseer Aggadeen congratulates his men on a job well done averting catastrophe about six seconds before Luke whips through on his speeder bike and shoots the core, overloading the system and making the room turn red again. Aggadeen has the most sad-sack look on his face, but he’s going to die soon so we shouldn’t feel sorry for him.

Vader blasts Luke successfully, which makes Luke cry. “I’m sorry, Father. Sorry I’ll never be the Jedi you were,” he whines, closing his eyes. Ain’t no shame in that. You can flip burgers at Tatooine’s only Burger King, son.

Something explodes. Vader thinks he has won, but he gets a glimpse of the Millennium Falcon lifting up and taking off. Chewie just needs to get the hyperdrive working so they can hyperdrive their way to hyperspace and then hyper-get-the-fuck-away. Star Destroyers follow, ready to blow up the ship! But they ain’t getting blowed up today, nosiree. Ain’t no one gettin’ blown.

Han is too injured to control the ship, so Leia takes over. Leia prays that the hyperdrive works, and it does! See, praying does work after all! Thoughts and prayers!

Barely conscious and less mouthy, that’s what really melts her butter.

Vader is now informed that the Star Destroyers have lost their target. Hyperspace and all that. The bane of the Empire’s existence. This is Vader’s response: “HGGGHK… GGGHKK… ARRRRRGGGHHHKKK…” lol

He talks to the air. “The boy. The boy is your last great hope, isn’t he, Obi-Wan? He is what you died to protect. He may be strong in the Force, but he is untrained. And who is there left to train him now? No one but me.”

Well snap. This guy is going to try to get another disciple for the dark side. You know how all these guys just love the dark side…

Inexplicably, Luke had made it to the Millennium Falcon. He slumps sadly against a wall while Leia smiles and asks if he’s ok. Does he look ok?? He’s never going to be a true Jedi! Dreams are dashed! The mean guy with the black helmet is proof of that!

*frown*

We end with a couple of aliens flying their ship across the Dune Sea where they intend to drop off a body in a casket. Just a dead Rodian, what’s so special about this one that needs a special transport, eh?

This Kenobi guy must be a real hot shot of he gets a special body dumped in front of his house, huh? Weird, but hey. These two aliens are just performing their duty and whatnot! Think nothing of it!

The dropped off casket has letters engraved in an alien language. Translated: “For Luke”

Final Thoughts

I hope it’s Obi-Wan’s hilariously rotting corpse. And Luke has to eat it to gain his Jedi powers. This is all canon, by the way! I want Luke to eat Kenobi’s corpse, please.