Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 6)”! We’re at the end of this whole “Skywalker Strikes” storyline and I haven’t seen Skywalker strike anything but his own dick with a golf club.

In the previous installment, Han and Leia are getting chased down by TIE fighters and then they lose them in a very stormy planet that will kill them if they get too close. Han smiles about this. Leia is mad at him.

Luke ambles around Tatooine looking for answers. Answers to questions like “what is my purpose” and “how do I become a Jedi?” and “did I use the right golf club?” He tries to poke around Kenobi’s old house looking for clues, but Boba Fett shows up to hit him with a smoke bomb. And here we are.

Is this exciting? Not really! But they’re easy to get through at any rate! And isn’t that what matters?

(no)

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [July, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 6)”

You’ve got Skywalker in your sights! Take the shot! Snipe his dick!

Boba Fett smacks Luke in the face with the butt of his rifle. Now he points said rifle at Luke’s head. Fett says as much: “Stay down.”

Luke doesn’t stay down! He gets up and punches Fett really hard on his armor, which was the dumbest thing I’ve seen in a Star Wars comic so far.

“Why can’t I see? What was that, a flash grenade?”

“I said don’t move.”

Fett’s not fucking around. Luke’s trying to distract with questions, but Fett’s too smart for that I’m-gonna-explain-everything shit. Luke gets kicked in the face for being so insolent and difficult. “You could’ve walked. But I can just as easily carry you to my ship.”

Out comes the lightsaber! Like a beacon of “hope” and “integrity”, Luke wields it in front of his face like he’s wrestling a garden snake and losing. “I’m not going anywhere with you,” he says, voice cracking, sweat pouring down his bug-eyed face. Fett is undeterred. He even laughs! Like this: “guffaw *snort*”

Defending the honor of old Ben Kenobi’s seedy hovel, Luke starts swinging his lightsaber blindly around the room. Ruining walls and shit. He’s actually able to hold Fett off, which is ridiculous because I once saw Luke try to put on his pants and he kept getting it backwards for over an hour.

OK, so they’re in a tussle. Meanwhile, Han and Leia are frolicking around what turns out to be a rather beautiful planet. So much for getting killed in an electric storm. They don’t look very dead at all to me.

Han Solo knew this planet was the bee’s knees since he and Chewbacca crash-landed here a few years back. No one else knows about this place, guaranteed. No one else in the whole dang galaxy! Trust him, Leia. He’s kinda the best!

How can you think about TIE fighters at a time like this? I’m the best. That’s the topic of discussion right now.

And don’t even worry about Imperial fighters. Those spacecrafts are garbage. They’ll get broken up into a million pieces by the electrical storm before you can say “Spock’s ears”. And their scanners can’t get through the cloud atmosphere. They’re safe as hell here. Perhaps it can be a good base for the Rebellion? That would be nifty keen.

But, for now, since they’re the only two here… Han pulls out a bottle of wine and two tumblers and gives Leia some “let’s get fuckin’” eyes. *wink*

The TIE fighter pilots talk amongst themselves. “They must be dead. There’s no way they could survive in those storms this long. I say we call it and head back to the warship.”

Do you chowderheads think that Darth Aloysius Vader is going to just give up? You better make damn cunting sure that your targets are adequately snuffed out. While they deliberate, that one bounty hunter guy who is looking for Han starts flying into view. “Attention, unknown vessel! Identify yourself immediately!” The bounty hunter is like “meh” and keeps on heading right for the planet.

Oh look, Mark Hamill and Boba Fett are still fighting. It’s cute the way Luke goes NNNG! and GAGGH! He’s trying so hard, the little scamp.

Oh yeah, then what’s all this “use the force Luke, use the force Luke, use the force Luke” I’ve been hearing on repeat in my head for days? Volume way up! I can’t even sleep!

Fett shoots him in the arm. “I’m supposed to bring you in alive. But ‘alive’ just means breathing.”

Luke looks constipated. “A Jedi… can feel the Force…flowing through him.”

Force or no Force, Fett shoots again and Luke lucks out by blocking it with his barely-moving lightsaber. The blast ricochets back to Fett who is like “ow!” Before long, Fett gets on top of Luke and is inches away from snuffing the life out of him. R2-D2 wakes up with a BEEP. Luke uses his precious Force and smacks Fett in the back of the head with the “For Luke” box, rendering him unconscious. Luke doesn’t even know what happened! He makes mentally-challenged faces.

Anyway, whatever. Must have been the wind! Luke grabs the box and leaves the house with R2-D2.

Oh, Princess, looks like you’re a squirter!

Leia throws the wine in Han’s face because, let’s face it, playing hard to get is way more fun. “This is low, even for a scoundrel like you,” Leia sneers. “We are running for our lives from the Empire while on a mission of vital importance to the Rebellion. This is no time for your cheap attempts at seduction.”

There’s always a time for Han Solo’s cheap attempts at seduction! But I suppose she has a point (that’s me talking. Han doesn’t think Leia has a point). Leia storms off while Han follows, whining about being a NICE GUY. In the midst of the bickering, Leia hears the unmistakable sound of a ship (“moo”).

A ship descends upon the plain.

“That’s not an Imperial ship. I thought you said no one else know about this place,” Leia panics.

“We should run,” Han says, losing his nerve. “Now.”

And run they do. Mr. Bounty Hunter fires his lasers and blasts the ground while the two narrowly dodge each attack. The ship lands and the bounty hunter disembarks.

“Han, who is it?” Leia asks. “Who found us?”

“Why bother asking him?” the bounty hunter replies.

Mr. Bounty Hunter is actually a Ms. Bounty Hunter! “He’d just lie. It’s the only thing he’s ever been good at. I should know. The name is Sana Solo. I’m his wife.”

HAHA! Just like real life! Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher bone at the expense of Mary “Sana Solo” Marquardt. Han palms his forehead. Leia’s eyes bug out of their sockets. Sana Solo aims her gun right at Leia’s face. “Now who the hell might you be, lady?”

Eep. Uh, heh heh. Uhh, what’s going on with Luke?? Yeah, let’s focus on Luke. He’s getting his vision back slowly. He buckles himself into his X-wing and pops open the “For Luke” box. It contains a ratty old book. “The Journals of Ben Kenobi”. Looks like we get to read Obi-Wan’s angsty LiveJournal! I can’t wait until Issue #7! Maybe he has a DeviantArt account.

Boba Fett reports back to Darth Aloysius Vader. “I lost him.”

Vader appears disappointed. “That is most disappointing.”

Fett has a name though.

As opposed to “Bladerunner”. Talk to Han about that.

Skywalker, eh?

Skywalker.

Hmm. Skywalker.

I wonder if that means anything to Darth “Anakin Peterson” Vader?

Final Thoughts

SHIT IS GOING DOWN.

I WONDER IF LUKE WILL BECOME A JEDI.

I WONDER WHAT PLANET THEY’LL FIND FOR THE REBEL BASE.

I WONDER IF DARTH VADER WILL EVER CHANGE OUT OF HIS “TUESDAY” UNDERWEAR AS THERE HAS BEEN AT LEAST 100 TUESDAYS SINCE HE FIRST PUT IT ON.