Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 1)”! I don’t know what the hell a “Smugglers’ Moon” is, but it sounds intriguing, dangerous, sexy, and downright moony. I can’t wait.

I should’ve recapped the previous storyline in the previous standalone Obi-Wan Kenobi installment, but I was lazy and now I don’t remember a thing about it!

Oh wait, yes I do. In the previous storyline, in the wake of Luke Skywalker blowing up the Death Star, Luke, Han, and Leia destroy the largest Empire weapons base in the galaxy. Darth Vader trounces Luke handily and causes Luke to doubt his abilities to do anything Jedi-related at all, like join Jedi meetings, learn the secret Jedi handshake, and fuck various Jedi-sanctioned space prostitutes. Meanwhile, Han and Leia escape the Imperial officers and attempt to find a habitable planet for their new Rebellion base.

They do.

But then Han Solo’s wife shows up! D’oh!

I hope there’s a lot of sheepish Han Solo in these next five issues. That’s worth the price of admission alone, I’ll bet.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8 [October, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 1)”

Luke Skywalker looks like Carol Brady on the cover. I wanna give him a kiss.

An unnamed planet near the Monsua Nebula. In an uncharted region of the Outer Rim. A fleet of starfighters and one of them big ol’ ships speed along. Star Destroyers? Anyway, the unnamed planet has been infiltrated by two unauthorized vessels. Hostile, I might add. Vessels that are ready to gnash their teeth and throw their Nintendo controllers across the room at any moment now. “The atmosphere is rife with electrical storms that have so far rendered our scanners inoperable,” declares the captain of the Star Destroyer. “Nevertheless, we suspect the ships are still hiding below.”

The starfighters are ordered to, like, nosedive into the planet for no reason kamikaze style. Long live the Empire!

Meanwhile, on the unnamed planet’s unnamed surface, a few named individuals are now bickering over a dubious claim of domestic relations. “Wife?!” yells Princess Leia of Alderaan Which Got Blown to Pieces. What the hell is this about, you tramp?

Han wants to know how Sana found him. Sana says Han is pathetically predictable. “All I had to do was leave a probe in this planet’s orbit.” Well, that’s actually wholly uninteresting and anti-climactic. Apparently, these two lovebirds used to visit this planet all the damn time. Way to go, Han Solo. You really know how to hide from hostile opponents!

Sana pecks the unwilling Han on the mouth. “Ugh!” he yells as she shoves his head away. “She’s a bit scrawny for your tastes, isn’t she?” Sana scolds while looking Leia up and down. Undressing her with her very eyes. Leia decides to walk away while the married couple sorts things out. Han is like “WAIT, COME BACK, I WANNA BONE YOU STILL. OK?”

And, of course, as a bounty hunter, Sana recognizes Leia’s name. For, you see, she’s got a big bounty on her head! It’s all coming together like peanut butter and jelly-flavored whiskey. “The rich princess in trouble. Yeah, Han could never resist those,” Sana smiles, aiming her gun at them and looking through her scope. “How many times has he rescued you? Bet he even turned down the reward.”

Look, we could play “who is whose wife?” all damn day! It’s a zero-sum game!

Han keeps insisting the Sana isn’t his wife. Sana insists that she has the documents to prove it: marriage license, marriage certificate, a napkin with “Sana is my wife” scrawled in Han Solo’s shitty chicken scratch. “Why are you doing this, Sana? Why are you even here?” Han whines. It’s because it’s time for him to wrap up his little charade. And furthermore, th–

Oh shit, are those TIE bombers up there, barely visible through the thick-ass Unnamed Planet atmosphere? Niceknowin’ya-byebye!!

Leia tells Sana to shoot her if she wants her husband back, for all she cares. Sana doesn’t shoot her, but she does order someone in her ship to blow up Han/Leia’s ship into an explosion of flaming wreckage! Ha! Take that, adulteress!

“Sana, stop this! What do you think you’re doing?” shouts the hapless Han Solo. This guy isn’t used to having the lower hand, eh? No upper hand for this guy. No hand at all, Jerry. No hand.

What Sana says next is loud and clear: she and Han will give up Leia to the Imperials, and then Han will come crawling back to Sana! Everyone cool with that plan? Ladies? Gentlemen? Tusken Raiders and Bandersnatches?

Oh, amidst all this ACTION I had completely forgotten that Lucas Skywalker is in the air farting around in a… uh… jet. He’s bitching and moaning about the journal he found belonging to Ben Kenobi being a useless hunk of garbage not even fit for toilet paper, which would be 1000x softer than Tatooine toilet paper (sandpaper with spikes on it). “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this,” he says, holding the decrepit thing up in front of him. “I don’t see where this book tells me anything about fighting with a lightsaber or using the Force.”

R2-D2 beeps and boops at him, probably translated to something along the lines of “cork it, nerd”. Luke decides to alter his course from wherever the hell he was going in the first place to where the Jedi might have lived! Yeah, let’s do that. Sounds like a much smaller waste of time than Kenobi’s journal, THAT’S FOR SURE.

Of course, he doesn’t actually go there. He goes to Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler’s Moon! Hey, I wonder if that’s the same Smuggler’s Moon that the storyline is about! Gee, I sure hope so!

In other words… I’m gonna get my ass kicked!

So Luke and R2-D2 visit Bar Shaddaa, right, and don’t get mugged immediately, which is weird. “All we have to do is find the worst-looking bar around. Trust me, Artoo, I know what I’m doing.”

Luke looks around with his sultry eyes and notices that the entire clientele of the seedy bar they just entered is looking right at him. There’s a full-page spread of it, too. A real Where’s Waldo of aliens staring at the Tatooine pretty boy.

“Kill him. Rob him. Feed him to the scum-squids.”

Eep! Luke insists that he’s just looking for s—GAGGHH! HRRGH! He’s getting thrown around for a bit. It’s exciting. I hope he chokes on his own vomit, and–

Luke brandishes his lightsaber. “That’s enough,” he says sternly, obviously referring to the savage beating he was just barely enduring. The local thugs stare in awe at the glowing rod of whatever it is that lightsabers are made of. Glorb crystals?

In the corner of the bar, a shady figure speaks into his receiver. “It’s me. Tell the big guy I’m bringing him one.” Oooooh, the big guy. I only know one of those, and it’s Jabba the Hutt. And he ain’t on Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler’s Moon! He ain’t on Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler’s Moon at all!

“Where did you get that weapon?” asks a particularly beefy drink of water.

“Oh, so now you wanna talk,” Luke responds, poochy-lipped. “I came in here to conduct business, and you tried to kill me.”

It would be a fair point if it weren’t Luke Skywalker, because screw that kid. Anyway, the business he wants to conduct is a one-way catapult to Coruscant. “Given your choice of weapon, I’d guess you’re seeking the Jedi Temple. And that you’d rather your trip remain somewhat… clandestine. So you need someone to sneak you into the capital planet, past the greatest concentration of Imperial guards in the galaxy.”

…

“I can do that,” this rather spiky individual concludes. “For a price. The price is that saber you’re holding.”

Luke whips out his penis and says NO!

Scum-squids need sustenance too, you know.

Well, Luke’s in for another fight, isn’t he? Glad I can be here to witness it. Oh dang! The guy in the corner uses some crazy electromagnetic powers and forces the lightsaber over to his hand. And by forces, I don’t mean Forces. This ain’t no Force at work. This is Science!

Now the entire bar joins Luke in chasing down the lightsaber thief.

We’ll get back to Luke in Issue #9! For now, is anyone else as interested in marital disputes as I am?! Sana aims her gun at Han and Leia while trying to communicate with the nearest Star Destroyer. Han begs for her to stop so they can talk. Leia tells him he should’ve shot her while he had the chance. “Trust me, that’s not how you deal with this woman. Also, she’s a better shot than me,” Han admits.

Time for the put-down-the-guns-and-chat gambit! “Sana. Honey. Let’s talk. We really need to talk.”

As Han approaches his lovely wife, Leia kicks him right in his butt and sends him flying right into Sana. They topple over. Leia brings out her own gun. “Nobody move.” TABLES HAVE TURNED! HARDY HAR HAR!

Where’s my tiny gun?

But, unbeknownst to Han, Leia’s actually pointing the gun at him. “Did you really think I was just gonna stand here and let you two sell me to the Empire? That’s not happening.”

“Heh. Hate to break it to ya, your highness… but you are already sold.” Sana smiles as Han twists his mouth stupidly.

IN COME THE TIE FIGHTERS! Leia’s gonna die.

Final Thoughts

Yep, this is the part where Leia dies. And Han, for that matter. Luke too, while we’re at it. All die. No more story. See you next time.