Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Luke Skywalker gets kidnapped by some Hutt named Grakkus, a collector of rare and precious galactic artifacts. Such as that lightsaber *points* and that possible last Jedi *points*. And now he gets to go to an arena and fight for Grakkus the Hutt’s amusement! Expect this for the bulk of the issue.

Meanwhile, Han, Leia, and Sana escape the planet and the Imperial TIE fighters. I don’t know where they’re going yet. I don’t even think they do. Maybe Tijuana?

Mon Mothma and her gang caught wind that Luke Skywalker has been kidnapped. Chewbacca and C-3PO offer to rescue him! Again, why anyone would put any effort into Luke Skywalker is beyond my understanding. Maybe I’ll have that lightbulb moment someday (but not today, or ever).

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10 [December, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 3)”

Han, Leia, and Sana are flying in Sana’s ship while they get continuously shot at by TIE fighters and a Star Destroyer. Sana is tasked with getting them out of there. Han and Leia are doing the blasty blasty. Instead of focusing 100% on avoiding these bad guys, she starts dunking on the Millennium Falcon. “I bet Han told you all about Kessel Run. He loves to bring that up. Makes the Falcon sound like the fastest ship in all the galaxy.”

And it would be, but Sana’s ship is faster. Feast your butts on THIS: *hyperdrive*

“Welcome to the Volt Cobra. The ship Han wishes he had.”

Yeah, let’s all whip out our dicks and grab our rulers. That’ll get them away from the Empire faster.

Speaking of that Millennium Falcon hunk of shit, Chewie and C-3PO have flown to Nar Shaddaa in pursuit of Luke “Bonertown” Skywalker. C-3PO thinks the place smells and has absolutely no hangups about staying back in the ship while Chewie infiltrates Grakkus’ quarters and nunchucks him six ways from Sunday.

That doesn’t happen, of course. I like to think that Chewbacca picked that robot up and dropkicked him out of the ship. C-3PO is rather nervous as he meanders the mean streets! But then he comes across a group of rather grumpy-looking droids.

Hello chums! It would be corking if you could all be dears and point me in the direction of my heterosexual, platonic boyfriend.

One of the droids is like “yeah, yeah, we saw him, yeah, he went thattaway” and leads C-3PO into a dead end immediately. After cornering Everyone’s Favorite Protocol Droid, the tough ruffian droids brandish a circular saw and intend to cut him into various parts in order to siphon out his precious oils.

Chewie shows up out of nowhere and beats them all up. He doesn’t beat up C-3PO, but I would’ve been fine with it and would have merely considered it collateral damage.

“To reiterate…” C-3PO says and Chewie rips limbs off these droids, “we’re looking for a friend of ours. Any assistance would be most appreciated.”

Chewie all like “WWWWWWWGGHH!”

Cut to Luke Skywalker, whose wrists are cuffed with sexy red lasers as he’s led forcibly to the fightin’ arena. “You may have opened some holocrons, but that doesn’t make you a Jedi.”

This fellow talking is the Gamemaster, an appellation that made me snort ten pounds of Doritos up my nose. He’s going to fight the young Tatooinian to put on a good show!

“I won’t fight for the enjoyment of some Hutt,” frowns Luke.

“Yes, you will,” responds THA MUTHAFUCKIN GAMEMASTA.

Gamer drops some info about the Jedi. They gone. The Jedi Temple? The one on Coruscant? It gone. “It’s the Imperial Palace now. Whatever you were hoping to find there is gone. All the Temples are gone. Just like the Jedi themselves.” It’s possible that everything remaining about the Jedi exists only in Grakkus’ holocrons! Wouldn’t that be sad for you, Luke? lol

Cuffs are removed and GameMan throws Luke his lightsaber. Fight time!

Pretty lame already, kid.

“Congratulations. You’re already dead. And half the people haven’t even found their seats yet. Get up.”

LUKE SKYWALKER WILL NEVER GET UP! AND— oh.

With a stupid look of determination on his face, Luke readies his glowy sword and starts whipping it around like a flyswatter. Meanwhile, C-3PO still asks around Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON, IN CASE YOU HAD FORGOTTEN) for his good buddy Lucas Skywalkerus. He and Chewie end up in the very same bar where Luke drew all that attention to himself and got his lightsaber stolen.

The barkeep doesn’t take too kindly to droids. Or Wookiiees. Neither are allowed in the bar! So scram!

Chewie does his famous Chewbacca impression, which C-3PO translates as, and I’m paraphrasing, “get the fuck out of the bar right now if you don’t want to get hurt”. The clientele just stare at him passively. Fighting ensues.

So Luke is having his battle with the arena’s guards and their own purple cattle prods, which seems completely unfair. Grakkus the Hutt enters the arena and asks how Luke is doing. GameStop tells him that the boy is strong in the Force, but weak in the bowels. Good enough to fight Darth Vader and die doing it, as is the plan. Heh heh HA HA HA grrrrrrrhrbburble. “Excitement is already building,” Grakkus drools. “Every crime lord on Nar Shaddaa wants to see the Last Stand of the Jedi. I expect a packed house.”

Grakkus has brought in a special beast for such an occasion! Luke won’t be fed to some random monster, oh no. Only the best. “Mother of Moons,” gasps GameBoy. “Even if he was a Jedi, I don’t think he’d last long against that.”

Time to add a Jedi to Grakkus’ collection of “things that have been killed in his arena”. The list also includes bugs and toads. And Chuck Mangione.

Oh yeah, I forgot that Han and Leia were still flying around.

I’m rolling my eyes so hard it’s making me shit.

Sana still insists that Han married her. Han still insists that he never married nobody. Leia doesn’t care.

“Too bad for Luke, whoever that is,” Sana grumbles. “But unlike my husband here, I haven’t succumbed to the seductive wiles of the Rebellion.” Han isn’t listening, he’s wondering why Luke is anywhere near Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON, IN CASE YOU FORGOT).

Leia offers Sana money for assistance, but Sana doesn’t want her money. She just wants Han back. Han tells Leia to ignore her, but Leia agrees to Sana’s terms! We all have a good laugh at Harrison Ford’s expense. Sana immediately sets a course for Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON, IN CASE Y–).

Chewie holds the bartender over the edge of a tall building by one leg. “I really would tell him what he wants to know,” C-3PO tells the bartender politely. “He’s quite unreasonable when he’s like this.”

“Yes! Grakkus has your friend! You can see his palace from here! It’s to the east! Just past the skyslums!” Then he laughs, because Luke’s going to die fighting nimrods in Grakkus’ slummy arena. Chewie drops the bartender. We all have a good laugh at Harrison Ford’s expense, because why not?

We end the issue with an unknown figure talking to one of those fucking Binks individuals. I don’t remember what they called, but Jesus Cunting Christ, guys.

MESA FILL MY PANTS WITH POOP! MESA TWIST OWN BALLS WITH PLIERS!

The reveal is that this Binks nerd is talking about Chewbacca and Han Solo to a bounty hunter I don’t know. I’m probably supposed to know him, but I don’t. The end.

Final Thoughts

OH SNAP. MEESA WEESA LOOKSIE LOOKSIE ATSA MEESA WOOBLY WOOBLY!! YOUSA SCOOOOOO-BLY! WAH HA!