Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 5)”! We’re ending the storyline with a muted, halfhearted whimper. In the previous installment, Sana drops Han and Leia off at Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLERS’ MOON) where Han blasts the bounty hunter who is looking for him in the back with his CUM. Just kidding! He shot him dead I think!

Luke is in the middle of an arena fight with KONGO THE DISEMBOWELER and he’s having a hell of a time avoiding getting disemboweled. This is where the action really is, but I don’t have emotional investment in Luke Skywalker so I hope he actually does get disemboweled soon because I have pizza rolls in the oven.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12 [January, 2016]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 5)”

Looking badass there with your lightsaber, Puke Skywalker. Did yer mommy give it to you?

(Obi-Wan is Luke’s mom)

Dengar the Bounty Hunter is not dead after all, but he might as well be. “Step away from the Wookiee, and I might just let you live,” says Han Solo the Biggest Badass this side of Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON).

Here’s Dengar with a suicide device. “If I let go of this thermal detonator, we all go up in flames together.” *fumble* Whoops!

Chewie picks this guy up and throws him off the building. Thermal detonator detonates, killing Dengar immediately. Let’s dust off our hands, gentlemen! Call it a day!

A happy reunion commences. Chewie, C-3PO, Han, Leia, all on Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON) for a single, stupid, useless purpose: to save Fluke Skywalker.

Leia spots a fleet of TIE fighters in the air and suspects that following them will lead them to their little friend. Meanwhile, their little friend is struggling to not suck at fighting Kongo the Disemboweler. “GAAARGH!” yells Luke as Kongo grabs his torso with a very large, metal hand.

“Death to the Jedi!” cries one spectator.

“Kill the pretty boy!” yells another.

“I wanna see it eat him!” screams yet another.

“MY BALLS ARE HUGE!” shouts another for some reason! Ha! Isn’t that funny? I’m so funny.

As Kongo lifts Luke closer and closer to his sexy, wet mouth, Luke prays to ol’ Ben Kenobi for a miracle. He could use one. Maybe the Force can help him, please?

He can try turning water into wine. That’s always fun at parties.

Suddenly, as if by some sort of miracle that Luke asked for, something shoots Kongo right on his shock collar, rendering his metal arms sparking and useless. He drops Luke to the ground and collapses in a large heap. Grakkus the Hutt is LIVID. LIVID!

With a slice, one of Grakkus’ bodyguards becomes hella decapitated by a green lightsaber (a good guy lightsaber, for the record). It’s Gamemaster, and he’s betraying the fat slug. “The show’s over, Grakkus. Your arena is officially closed.”

Oh, and Grakkus is under arrest. *crickets*

While Gamemaster and Grakkus bicker like old biddies, Grakkus’ team heads down to the arena floor to confront Young Master(bater) Luke. Meanwhile, R2-D2 is milling around alone, obviously searching for a way to single-handedly thwart all the bad guys and save all the good guys at once.

“You filthy traitor,” Grakkus spews. “You dare turn informant on me? After everything I’ve done for you?”

“Only a Hutt would count not killing me as kindness,” retorts Gamemaster. “And I was always an Imperial spy, you idiot.”

Did Grakkus really think that he could hoard a bunch of Jedi artifacts under the Empire’s nose? Did Gamemaster really think that they could try to take down a Hutt and leave the SMUGGLER’S MOON alive? Did Luke really think he could beat Kongo the Disemboweler? Did Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher really think they could have a very public affair and get away with it??

It’s the invisible radon cloud that he’s been really meaning to clear out.

“TRIGGER ARENA PROTOCOLS, GRAKKUS FIVE,” the Hutt says rather importantly. The whole arena starts flashing and crackling in white hot lightning, rendering the weapons of all of Gamemaster’s men inert. Now it’s Grakkus’ turn to have the upper hand! Rawr!

The crowd goes wild! “Twenty credits on Grakkus!” “I’ll bet he tears the next buckethead in half!”

Now Kongo is getting up and entering the fray again. “Grab the kid! Don’t lose the Jedi!” One of Gamemaster’s men tries to pick Luke up kicking and screaming. As the crowd runs away, R2-D2 launches Luke’s lightsaber to him from the stands. Now equipped with his trusty glowstick, he starts taking down the guards.

Han, Leia, Chewie, C-3PO, and Sana are in the concourse when the crowd starts stampeding out of the arena.

“If we get separated, meet back at the Falcon!” says Han

“You’re not getting separated from me, Han Solo,” says Sana. “Don’t even think about slipping away!”

“Why did you even leave your ship, Sana? This isn’t your fight!”

“I’m keeping an eye on my investment!”

Han and Co. try blasting Kongo with no success. Kongo barrels through, leaving the group gasping and panting among rubble, and not in a sexy way. Then R2-D2 shows up and conveniently provides the group with a pile of lightsabers! “Great,” Han says, frowning at his weapon. “Next some old wizard will be telling me to use the Force.”

Even though they have no lightsaber training whatsoever, Han’s group flicks on their lightsaber switches and enters the battle! Zip zow zee-dee zow! Swish swich fizz fizz! Troops are down! Yay! Let’s celebrate with a bag of Sunchips!

“Looks like you’re out of a job, Gamemaster!” Luke jubilates.

“Not exactly. Put down the saber, kid.”

“I thought you were training me to fight.”

“No, I was training you to die.”

How positively evil. Gamemaster kicks Luke in the stomach and sends him to the ground. This is, like, the third time Luke got kicked to the ground. If he loves the ground so much, why doesn’t he just marry it? Marry the ground.

Gamemaster reveals that he’s one of Vader’s stormtroopers. Time to take you in, kiddo. You can go to Star Destroyer jail! It’s cozy enough in there, with the lack of water and toilets.

While Gamemaster talks and talks and talks, he gets another surprise.

Grakkus getting a little too grabby today.

“I will feed you to my lizards, you wretched little man! And then feed those lizards to a bigger lizard! And then have that lizard barbecued!”

I can’t tell what happens next, but it looks like Gamemaster grabs a lightsaber off of Grakkus’ necklace of lightsabers and kills him with it? Is that accurate? Someone look it up for me.

Luke and Han reunite. After some kissy kissy, R2-D2 reveals that he found Obi-Wan’s journal, much to Luke’s pleasure! Han is disgruntled that all this was for a book, but Luke insists that there’s a whole room of Jedi artifacts and holocrons to check out. Like a museum of long-dead nerds.

Reinforcements show up: stormtroopers. A lot of them. More fighting ensues. Chewie grabs Luke with the intention of getting him out of dodge. Leia finds Sana trapped in some rubble, which Leia breaks up further with her lightsaber. At this point, Sana admits that she isn’t really Han’s wife. She is Sana Starros, and she knows that their marriage was a sham and a ploy. “Han took off… with my cut,” she says, finally revealing the truth of the matter at hand from her point of view. “Just promise me you won’t get Han killed before I get paid,” Sana grumbles. Leia can’t promise shit.

Grakkus isn’t dead, but he has been taken by the Imperial forces.

If usefulness is measured by how much a Hutt can fart up a room, then yes, Grakkus will be eternally useful.

“He helped us rid the galaxy of more scattered traces of the Jedi,” says the Gamemaster, adding to the “farting up the room” bit. “The emperor will be pleased.”

Too bad Luke got away. Oh wellsies!

An unknown figure (it’s Darth Vader) asks how much Gamemaster learned about the boy. Did he give his name? No? Well, why the fuck not? Arrghh. Well, at any rate, he will be crushed like the rest of the Rebellion.

The Gamemaster is revealed to be named Sgt. Kreel. The unknown figure is revealed to be Darth Vader (it’s Darth Vader).

“Tell me what else you’ve learned of this boy. Tell me everything.”

Final Thoughts

Someone throw Luke Skywalker down a well. He blows up one Death Star and now everybody wants to help him or know everything about him.

Give me Han Solo any day. That guy’s a hunk o’ man.