Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 – “Sacrifice for Tomorrow”! In the previous issue of the Superman: Endgame collection, the Eradicator shows up to do some damage (good damage) while Lex Luthor tries to find a way to mitigate some other damage (bad damage). It is discovered that Brainiac 13’s weakness is Kryptonian technology, which is a big plot hole if I’ve ever heard one. Lex Luthor is going to take advantage of that.

In the previous issue of Action Comics Vol. 1, Clark Kent goes Christmas shopping and then has to beat up something called Etrigan, who did a lot of rhyming. It honestly doesn’t matter.

Let’s finish up this Y2K storyline before all the computers in the world explode! Oh no!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 [February, 2000]
Written by: Joe Kelly
“Sacrifice for Tomorrow”

Here we go, bitches. Lex Luthor is entering the ruckus and he brought with him his big, bald dick. This used to be Superman’s favorite holiday (New Year’s? Why?), but this year really blew it with the good vibes. In London, large mechanical spiders and robot tentacles take over the Big Ben clock. In Moscow, large mechanical spiders and robot tentacles take over Saint Basil’s Cathedral. In Sydney, yada yada yada Opera House. “I don’t know how I can stop this,” says Superman, flying through the air with a sourpuss face.

Brainiac 13 informs the caped sad sack that his conversion of Metropolis to a literal city of tomorrow is complete. “It’s over, Superman.”

Superman has a rebuttal to this: “BLAARHGHGH BLAHUGHGUH”. Brainiac 13 is getting kind of huffy. Metropolis is now the “motherboard” for a “virtual god”. “Megabyte Buddha in a nanotech nirvana”. This shit didn’t age well. It sounds like Chuck Palahniuk trying to be edgy in 1999 with buzz phrases.

“I am everything here with all the world’s power funneled through me – my ability to manipulate this city and its denizens is infinite! The entirety of the population of Metropolis was upgraded for service 3.4 minutes after you left.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Superman fucked off to his Fortress of Solitude with Eradicator in Superman: The Man of Steel, Issue #98 and also who the fuck gives a shit?

“I hope the trip was worth it.”

And yes, the population of Metropolis has been transformed into these weird Silver Surfer chrome-plated slaves. “One last time, Kryptonian… you’ve lost,” Brainiac 13 sneers, telling Superman what’s what. He’s going to continue upgrading the planet, and also he’ll be working out how to destroy Superman and everything he loves, holds dear, and eats for breakfast. We’ll start with waffles, then move on to Lois Lane. If he has time, pancakes.

Quickly, before my CPAP machine runs out of batteries!

Elsewhere (namely, Lex Luthor’s Tower of Fun & Games), the man himself is strapped into his Kryptonian battle Transformer, and it’s more than meets the eye! Or less. He’s arguing with his toddler niece, aka Brainiac 2, about making a damn move to save his city. Brainiac 2 is too busy marveling at Brainiac 13’s efficiency! Europe converted! Asia converted! Those are large landmasses! That’s, like, 99.98% of the Earth’s surface if I remember my PhD geography classes. Patience, my pet. Patience. Patience is a virtue. You do know how to be virtuous, right Lex? Heh.

Superman is carrying his little robot buddy, Kelex, through Metropolis and over to Lextower. Kelex tells Superman what we’ve already been told many times in the last couple of issues: Brainiac 13 can only interface with compatible technology. No compatibility, no interfacing. Simple as that. Kryptonian technology is not compatible. We’ve been through this. Let’s cut to the goddamned chase.

Kelex, being Kryptonian technology, is like “I got this, I think…”, but then senses other Kryptonian technology within the vicinity. Like, within an 8,000 mile radius. Wait… recalculating… reticulating splines… it’s within the city limits.

Brainiac 13 is about to tell Superman that his alien technology will not harm him, but Lex Luthor’s Kryptonian warsuit appears to uppercut him right in the jaw. “By the gold volcano of merciful Rao! We are saved!” Kelex throws up his spindly robot arms in jubilation. Brainiac 2 Lena Luthor congratulates her uncle on a good hit. Lex tells her to cork it.

“Luthor! Listen!” Superman yells from just outside the warsuit. “I don’t know how you stole that suit from me, but I’m willing to forget it so long as we work together to stop Brainiac!” Luthor calls this idea “munificent”, which I had to look up because Lex Luthor is smarter than I am by about thirteen Brainiacs. And then he gives Superman a sarcastic jab about how positively INSCRUTABLE Kryptonian technology is. “I’ll have to get by just smashing stuff,” he says, smashing stuff. Lena is overjoyed while Lex smirks like he’s America’s most cleanly-washed asshole.

Superman spots Lois and she looks like a crying clown. He then instructs Kelex to link up with the warsuit and check how badly Lex modified it.

Come on, Superman! You’ve had your share of threesomes, I’m sure. Don’t puss out, son!

Brainiac is yelling about wanting the warsuit while some other disgraceful robotic foes enter into the mix for Superman to beat up. This goes on for some time while Brainiac spouts inanities that don’t matter. Lex agrees to let Brainiac 2 take over the warsuit reigns.

“Sir, I detect over one hundred significant risks in your plan,” Kelex tells Superman as it attempts to improvise, per Superman’s request. He tells Kelex to put a sock in it and do stuff anyway. Lena Luthor presses a button within the suit, which neutralizes the various robot enemies. This helps both Lex AND Superman, which is not ideal but you can’t complain too hard about the results!

Superman takes this opportunity to punch Brainiac’s big metal face like he has a snowball’s chance in HECK that it would work. Brainiac continues to mock him with novel-sized insults. “Last son of a dead planet. Fighting to protect slaves. His greatest weapon an impotent toy.” That kind of thing. Superman is looking quite angry, letting his emotions get the better of him. It’s a good thing this is part 5 out of 5 for the Y2K storyline, I don’t think poor Superman can handle more pressure!

Kelex knocks on Lex’s warsuit’s face. “Pardon me, in there… do you want to save the planet, or maybe pick up some munchies and keep joyriding?” Luthor takes pause, and then growls for Kelex to start talking. Superman needs full cooperation or everyone’s toast, capisce? Specific instructions must be followed. Knots must be tied correctly. Everything in its place. Can we count on you, you stubborn and bald piece of shit?

Brainiac has wrapped metal tentacles around his caped rival. “We have quite the history, you and I,” the giant bad guy drawls. “An older you, of course. Wiser. Harder. He has defeated me hundreds of times… but you are not he. You care too much about toys and human slugs and talking to be a real threat. Case in point. I have billions of probes. You have one body… in my grasp. Simple math.”

Yap yap yap yap yap yap. Who cares too much about talking? Geez.

Open wide and say “ahhh”! Let the soft touch of the robot hands do their work. Relax, guy.

Lex Luthor still has some tricks up his sleeve, and since he’s wearing two sleeves, that’s twice the tricks. I’m sure what he has in store for Brainiac will be riveting.

Kelex works on repairing the damaged components of the warsuit, all the while commenting upon how fucked up Lex’s adjustments are. Lex tells Kelex to put a sock in it.

Brainiac continues probing Superman with noodly appendages. “I have run simulations of your death 1,098,288,546 times. This one is a particular favorite.” Superman is quite ruffled by this! He prays Kelex is doing his thing, but the little robot is likely off cooking TV dinners and burning ants with his built-in magnifying glass.

Actually, he is helping! He breaks off just one of the thousands of conduits feeding into Brainiac and reroutes it to the warsuit. The intention is to power up and throw the energy back his way. Lex is all for it! Whatever it takes to return this wretched city back into his hands.

Meanwhile, the robot arms are turning into so much warm, sticky goo on Superman’s face. He is starting to asphyxiate like David Carradine in a Bangkok hotel. “KELEX! NOW!” he screams through a nose full of purple spooge. The warsuit has garnered so much energy already that feeding it into Brainiac’s core will warp the shit out of him! I don’t know where this assumption is coming from, but let’s go with it so we can wrap this comic book up in time to watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. That was already on TV in early 2000, right? That Regis Philbin sure was a card.

Kelex tells Lex to step on it, but Lex wants Superman to die first before he enjoys saving the rest of the world. He manually overrides the current command with a wry smile. Like this → :]

“Sir… it is my duty to inform… Luthor behaved exactly as expected.”

Superman condones this nefarious tattling. “Excellent. Wake Tornado,” he gasps through his gooey purple face.

“BRAINIAC!” says a red robot with a yellow arrow on his head. “Fractal wave vortex detected.”

OK, nerd. So Tornado is Kryptonian technology, which scrambles Brainiac’s cicuits long enough for Superman to wrest free. This confuses and angers the Big Brained Brainiac 13. Not so smart are ya when Kryptonian technology is your kryptonite, as it were.

Set phasers to kill! TWO TO BEAM UP! BRIDGE TO ENGINEERING! BRIDGE TO ENGINEERING!

Red Tornado, or whatever this mope’s name is, is taking orders from Kelex and starts battling Brainiac 13. Brainiac thinks this is a loser’s game.

Warsuit Jones has a win here though: Using the energy of fourteen thousand pulsars, Brainiac’s programming has been rerouted to Kryptonian circuitry. Everything about him in a hard drive that he doesn’t understand! How do you like them apples?

Brainiac says this is impossible. The energy required is unfathomable! It cannot be fathomed! Can God create so much energy that even he cannot fathom it?? YES!

Superman thinks everything is over and done and an evening of Salisbury steak awaits. “Kelex,” he grins hazily like the biggest orgasm of his life has just drained his testicles, “escort Mr. Luthor out of the suit, please… gently.”

Kelex is stunned. There are TWO people in the suit! BUH-WHAT? Oh well, more importantly, all the robot tentacles gripping and squeezing the major landmarks of the world appear to be breaking apart. “I believe we’ve got him sir,” Superman’s little robot companion reports.

And, verily, whatever magic slave spell Brainiac had on Lois Lane has been discharged and obliterated. Finito. She looks drunk. “Clark?” she slurs at Superman, who reminds her that Clark is somewhere else and not here in front of her ready to give her a smooch on the ol’ lips. She asks if the threat is over. “Mostly,” Superman says. “Brainiac 13’s control over you and the rest of Metropolis is shattered… a few more seconds and he’ll be harmless as a cell phone.”

Have you been reading the news in 2000, Superman? Those things cause cancer! Ionizing radiation! People are dropping like flies everywhere! Hardly harmless, you insensitive, ignorant dingus.

Superman is unnerved, though. Brainiac 13 has been thwarted, but Metropolis still looks like one of those futuristic levels in Crash Bandicoot: Warped! What gives? Superman wants his Salisbury steak TONIGHT god fucking damnit.

The warsuit suddenly gives off an ear-splitting “SSSFFFCHOW”. Lex stands next to him, silent but deadly. We’ll find out why in a minute! Stay tuned!

Brainiac 13 has been fully subdued, Metropolis hasn’t reverted back its original state, and Luthor has capitalized on this world tragedy by registering over 500 pants within a two day period. A record! He’ll finally be rich!

Brainiac 13 had a proposition for Luthor: his final demise will revert back to its original state, but he promises Lex some good stuff if he instead hands over the Brainiac 2 vessel. Lex is all like “hell no, girlfriend”. But then Brainiac promises a lifetime of power, wealth, and God status. So he does it. He gives Lena Luthor to the suit, who absorbs the child.

“We had him beaten!” Superman yells later through Lex’s office window. “Trapped. It was over…”

“Leave me alone,” Lex frowns. Superman doesn’t know exactly what Lex did, but he knows that Lex is responsible for Metropolis’ refusal to revert. And it cost him Lena Luthor.

“If it’s the last thing I do in this life…” Superman says, looking fiery with anger, “…I will get her back, Lex. And I will see you pay.”

“I hope you do, but I’ve already paid. I’ve paid in full.”

Final Thoughts

What an asshole! That Lex guy is a bad egg, I’m starting to think this about him. Two strikes mister, and I don’t have to tell you what happens at strike three. Thin ice, pal.