Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957 – “Path of Doom (Part 1)”!

Action Comics, you say? Aren’t there about a thousand of those! Yes! And more! And I’m going to jump into Issue #957, right at the DC Rebirth reboot. I heard it’s good, and it better be. That fucking DC Rebirth Superman has sucked my shit so far, so I’m looking for a palate cleanser.

It’s Superman, though, and almost every Superman story I’ve read sucks large dongs. Let’s see if we can break the streak.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957 [August, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 1)”

“Perimeter secured. No one – and I mean no one — fires until I have the word.”

ACTION! The Metropolis SWAT Team, or rather the Metropolis Special Crimes Unit, are staked outside of a building while Jimmy “Archie Andrews” Olsen has his $14 camera. Four gunmen are holding a company hostage, demanding eggrolls and unlimited access to Disney+. “Whatever their agenda is…” says Maggie Sawyer, Captain of the MSCU, “…we have to let it play out.”

Inside, the employees are on their knees huddled on the floor. The gunmen are like “DON’T MOVE, BITCHES! WE’RE WEARING SKI MASKS!” A man asks what they want, and when one tells him to stop talking (bitch), another is like “Durrrr, what do we want exactly?”

Someone cuts the power. 20 seconds until the generator kicks in… but that doesn’t matter anymore. SUPERMAN IS BACK FROM THE DEAD, BABY, AND HE’S READY TO LIGHT UP SOME ARSE! POW POW! BOOM! CRACK! POW! YIP YIP! SMASH! POW! ARSE!

Outside, the MSCU and Olsen hear the screams of Superman simply pulverizing the gunmen into thick paste. Not the screams of Superman, I mean. The screams of the pasty gunmen.

But it’s not Superman. It’s someone very unlike Superman…

What’s up, Mr. Clean? Looks like you got a new day job!

Lex Luthor saved the day? What is this shit, now? From what I understand about Lex Luthor, he does not like to save days. I suppose we’ll see how this all came to be in the first place…

…But for now, let’s visit Upstate. I like to think that Metropolis is in Guam, so we’re in Upstate Guam of course. Clark Kent, Lois, and his sonny boy Jon are unloading boxes into their brand spankin’ new house! Nice digs, fam. Some real cozy happenings. Jon asks his Pops how many different planets he’s been to and how many different aliens he’s met. Clark tells his son to cork it.

Jon is tired of unpacking. Can’t Clark do this in about five seconds? Lois bends down and tells her petulant son that Superman’s powers are for special situations only. Domestic convenience? Nein! It’s for protecting people, not alphabetizing your Xbox games. Get a grip.

Jon had already hooked up the TV because, well, priorities. The family sees a heroic Lex Luthor wearing the ‘S’ shield.

“Superman, our brave and noble protector, is dead,” Luthor says heroically. “He died, in service to us all,” he says like a hero. “A city so majestic and grand as Metropolis cannot go unprotected,” he says like a male version of a heroine. “So I pledge to you… here and now… that as long as I am here… I, Lex Luthor, will be your Superman… and Metropolis will be safe under my protection.”

What a tool.

In the midst of this, Clark storms upstairs to the master bedroom (where little Jon has already jerked off in) and pulls open a dresser drawer. He pulls out an artifact that looks like a glass shard, zaps it with eyeball lasers, and suddenly his beard is gone! Now that’s useful!

I’m trying to get on their page here, but it’s tough. Clark knows that Lex Luthor is like Asshole Prime, but Lois says the Lex Luthor on their world is. This world might be different. Clark even investigated this Luthor with remote anal probes and found nothing alarming except a malignant tumor. “Our work needs to stay secret for Jon’s sake,” Lois adds.

Not every world needs a fucking Superman, homie. Get over yourself.

But no, Clark will be the Superman that this world needs. Screw Luthor, that guy smells like two-week-old bisque. Clark dons the Superman outfit and flies to Metropolis immediately.

Captain Maggie Sawyer and one of her lowly officers discuss what the gunmen’s motive was. It’s weird. There was no motive. They didn’t even know why the hell they were there in the first place! Curious. “All they know is that they were supposed to draw attention to the main lobby,” the officer says. They searched the upstairs and found a giant vault that was impossibly open and impossibly empty. “A diversion,” surmises Sawyer. “Which means this isn’t over.”

“Indeed not, Captain. It has barely begun.”

OooOoOoooOOOOoo, chills! Did you feel that? CHILLS! And all the while Lex Luthor continues to blah blah blah and talk himself up about being a very competent Super-type Man for the people. “It’s time for Metropolis to turn to one of its own. A man who understands what the city really needs. As a tribute, I’ll wear his cape and symbol in hopes it will inspire us all. Rest assured in the knowledge that you are safe. Each and every one of you.”

*man dies of heart attack during speech*

Luthor has said enough. Too much, even. Because the REAL Superman shows up! Ha! How do you like them apples, you sad little bald man? “You may sound like him… look like him…” Luthor says after regaining composure. “But he’s dead.”

Olson’s calling up Perry “Bunk Moreland” White to get a reporter to the scene as soon as ASAP possible.

I shaved my beard for this so that you know that I’m serious!

“You’re an imposter,” Lex continues. “A trick of some kind. Sent by whom, I wonder?”

“No trick,” Superman retorts.

“You seem older. More confident. But you aren’t him. You can’t be Superman.”

And this goes on. Meanwhile, Lois and Jon are watching this on TV with the latter going “WHY IS DAD SHOWING HIMSELF IN PUBLIC, I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET!” and the former going “Errrr…”

At the Daily Planet, an unknown off-panel individual volunteers to go report on the Luthor/Superman showdown. White is amazed, but we don’t get to see why yet! Maybe it’s TOM BROKAW?!

Superman wants Luthor to take that fucking ‘S’ off his person. And the cape, too, while you’re at it. Luthor refuses with a dark smirk. So Superman reaches out to rip the ‘S’ off himself, but it comes equipped with a Luthor-brand automated defense system! It shoots a brilliant blue light at Superman, rendering him with floaties in his eyes and not much more. So Superman punches Luthor, sending him flying against a car. He almost chuckles to himself. “Same old Luthor…” he thinks as if he were the kid in Problem Child. Luthor tells the public to get to safety and this imposter is dangerous.

ACTION! Luthor guns down Superman with his bullet fists, which of course doesn’t work. It never works. Jon and Lois watch on TV with rapt attention, with Lois informing her dear son that fighting is never the first option even though Superman pretty much chose it as his first option.

The mysterious reporter shows up to the scene, causing Jimmy Olsen to gibber.

Lex Luthor keeps asking who Superman is.

Superman keeps saying “I’m Superman.”

Lex Luthor keeps saying that Superman died.

Superman keeps saying “Wrong-o.”

The fighting is pretty destructive. Buildings get destroyed. People cower. Cakes get left out in the rain.

Yeah? And I’m Edward James Lou Diamond Olmos Phillips.

The mysterious reporter turns out to be Clark Kent, which is crazy because Clark Kent is supposed to be Superman and Superman can’t be in two places at once! Or can he?? I’ll have to look into that later.

And now that Clark Kent has shown up, Luthor is double skeptical. Even Lois and Jon at home are like “buh?”

Then some more stuff happens. Someone somewhere says that a coffin is open.

Lex Luthor calls Clark Kent an impostor.

Clark Kent says he’s Clark Kent.

A ship blows up in the sky.

A figure drops down to Earth.

I microwave some pizza rolls.

The figure is DOOMSDAY!

ACTION!

And I’m bored.

Final Thoughts

A slow start, for sure, and the issue is predicated on previous knowledge that a) the real Superman is dead, and b) this is a completely different universe or something? And now fake Clark is taking it upon himself to fill the role of Superman, which is something he should be doing anyway, right?

This Doomsday shit is going to be hella boring, I can already tell.

I love comics! Can’t you tell?!?!