Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #959 – “Path of Doom (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Path of Doom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #959 – “Path of Doom (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, things get confusing when “Clark Kent” and “Superman” and “dead Superman” are three different people. “Superman” smacks Doomsday around and pretty much loses the whole time, prompting little Jon Kent to try to fly his way over to the scene of the fight and involve himself, much to Lois’ chagrin.

On top of that, Lex Luthor is still trying to be the hero here, but it hella doesn’t work even a little fucking bit, which is hilarious. Doomsday shatters his armor and then grabs his fragile eggshell skull with one beefy, rocky hand.

So Luthor is going to die and none of us are going to give two shits! OR, he’ll live to smug around another day. You decide.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #959 [September, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 3)”

Lois has some very cozy, nostalgic feelings about Doomsday. “That name. Doomsday. We didn’t know how appropriate that would come to be. I will never forget the savagry he employed as he stormed across the country. He ripped through the Justice League like they were Amateur Hour. Clark was the last man standing between that beast and widespread, catastrophic death.”

Lady, you’re boring me out of my gourd! Oh wait, she’s still talking! Well, Superman and Doomsday had a cute little tussle that ended outside the Daily Planet when Superman got his fucking brain bashed in. “It was the worst day of my life,” Lois recalls, forgetting the day that one of her articles was on Page 24 once.

Anyway, it seems to be happening all again and Lois just wants peace. “But our son comes first.” She raps on his bedroom door intending to have a frank discussion that amounts to “Your dad is Superman.”

“How does a boy process the sight of his father fighting a monster?” Lois thinks, forgetting that young children are bouncy and they can process everything except two people having sex because that is a sin. He’s watching the fight on an iPad. “You don’t want me to see it!” Jon cries. “You’re afraid that Dad’s gonna get killed!”

Well, yeah! It happened once before! Superman keeps dying, he’s good at it! This is what she wanted to talk about! He might die again!

“I know you’re scared, and that’s scarin’ me,” Jon says, precociously replacing letters with apostrophes. “I mean, they called that freak Doomsday. With that kinda name, he’s gotta be bad.”

“Yes, he is bad. Very bad,” Lois cries.

“And Dad fought him before?” Jon asks.

“He did.”

“Well, he musta won cuz he’s here and doing fine now.”

*slap* Get yourself together kid! It’s going to be all right! *slap* *slap* *punch*

Lois doesn’t have the heart to tell her son that Superman didn’t win and he’s got a fake dad now, or whatever the fuck is going on here. I’m lost and it’s not going to clear up anytime soon because this is ACTION COMICS and we’re all about ACTION here!

Speaking of ACTION, let’s go back to the scene outside the Daily Planey where Jimmy Olsen is insisting that Clark puts on his cape and starts flying around like a super doofus.

Stop jabberin’ and get in the air, nerd!

Clark is like “stop yelling at me!” Superman is here fighting Doomsday already! Can’t you see with your own two ginger eyes, Olsen? Two separate people.

Olsen narrows his two own ginger eyes. “I want to believe you, Clark. I really do. But if you’re really who you say you are, I hope the real Superman does something soon… before Doomsday tears Lex Luthor to shreds!”

Right, I forgot that Luthor is on Death’s door. And we care why, exactly? Because LexCorp makes fashionable commemorative belt buckles and we don’t want to lose that in our lives? Fuck Lex Luthor! This is everyone’s chance to rid the city of this bald piece of cunting shit. Luthor is hilarious scrambling away from Doomsday (who is going “GRAHHH!”) with every shred of clothing above his waist torn up. He looks scared out of his mind and I couldn’t be happier…

…but then fucking Superman flies in to save the day. I hate that guy.

Superman doesn’t want to hold back. He wants to show Doomsday his 110%, no holds barred ass pummelin’. Elsewhere, the mysterious robed man from the previous issue watches the fight on his many surveillance screens. “Stop. Think. You can’t fight your way out of this, Superman,” he says omnisciently. Like he thinks he’s Jesus or something.

That’s right, son, you have to fuck your way out of this one!

On screen, Lex cries about his useless trillion-dollar armor. He pulls out of his pocket something I should probably know about, but I’m not ashamed to admit that it sounds stupid and I’m glad I’m only learning about it now: the Motherbox. It has God-like capabilities. “It’ll get me back in the fight so Metropolis sees how a true Superman operates,” Lex says triumphantly. Just go home and watch episodes of The Sopranos or something, Lex. Stay out of it. I mean, Christ, dude.

Lois approaches the television and then decides that they can both check on Dad for a moment; make sure his guts aren’t splattered all over the Daily Planet building and/or Jimmy Olsen. Jon asks what Superman did to beat Doomsday the first time around, and Lois is like “HAMANA-HAMANA-HAMANA-HAMANA BLUHBLUUHB” and then lies and tells her son that he just did it, ok? Stop asking so many questions. You ask too many questions.

Doomsday picks up a car and throws it. He’s quite a menacing piece of business! Superman piledrives him below the concrete and into the sewer system where the play in poop for a bit.

“We’re bringing in buses to move people out of here,” Luthor says, acting the hero.

“Thanks, Mr. Luthor!” replies someone dumb.

After 15 hours of grueling brawn, Superman realizes that he might not be able to fight! Time to use brains, of which he has none, so this is going to be pretty grim. Doomsday grabs Superman’s little melon head and throws him into a brick wall. Now, usually this shouldn’t hurt one bit, but Superman goes “AH!”

Clark Kent, the one who is useless, stands in the middle of the street and tells everyone to clear the area before it’s too late. Who died and made you boss? Oh wait, lol, the street gives away under him and Clark falls into the poopy green sewage.

Jon watches the ACTION and is pissed off that Doomsday and Superman are now under the street where he can’t see them fight anymore! It’s a ripoff of the highest order for sure. Lois tells his son to pray. lol

Clark broke his arm falling into the poop, but nothing is going to be done about this I assure you other than he is now a damsel in distress and Superman has another thing to worry about now. Clark gets mean, and says stuff like “oh yeah, bitch, you’re going to help me just like you helped before when you sent me into hiding? You owe me answers, bitch!” And Superman doesn’t know what this guy is going on about and he has no time to talk right now anyway. There’s a Doomsday to fight, you see.

Catty Clark is the best Clark.

Superman says he has a plan, but Lex Luthor swoops down into the sewer and snidely proclaims that he, Superman, has no plan at all! Superman tells him that now is not the time for his Luthorisms, he should be getting Clark Kent out to safety! Hop to it, Bezos.

Nein! Luthor wants to start blowing shit up underground even though further street collapses could result in many unwanted dea — CHOOM! Luthor fires a rocket.

Superman and Luthor argue for a bit before Luthor actually concedes, which is weird, and Superman continues flying toward Doomsday to do some more beat-’em-ups.

“Still trying to get a handle on this version of Lex Luthor,” Superman thinks. “He has the same air of superiority as the one I knew. His true motives might be a mystery… but he seems to want to do the right thing.”

Luthor rescues Clark. “Do you think he’s really Superman?” Clark asks Luthor.

“I think I have questions about both of you,” Luthor responds. They reach the surface and Luthor yells at the public to get the fuck away. Why are they all still standing on the street, mouth agape, drool spilling down their shirts? Jimmy Olsen is snapping photos, so he can stay and get killed. No one’s loss there. I don’t know why he’s bothering when this whole footage is behind filmed in real time for kids like Jon to see on their TVs. “Didja see how his war suit repaired itself?” Jon says dreamily of Luthor. “It was awesome!”

A bus shows up to cart the injured, hopefully over a cliff.

All aboard! We’re going to Vegas!

In the midst of the fight, Superman realizes that, with all the cameras shooting the ACTION, Lois and Jon must be watching at home. “They’re probably terrified,” he thinks even though his son is all like “wouldja look at that there fight!”

“I wish I could go home,” Superman thinks not very Supermanly. “Let them know everything will be all right.”

“I’m smarter now,” he adds incorrectly. He blasts Doomsday with heat vision, which is cooking the street above. Doomsday turns red, but then there’s a glimmer of a smile…

Doomsday cuts open a gas line. I don’t have to tell you what happens next! OK, yes, I love it. OK, here it is! The city basically blows up! Ha! I’m reveling in this cascade of SNAFUs.

Here, you have just got to see this!