Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2! ACTION COMICS! ACTION, BABY! In the previous installment, we see Superman do super things like run away from the cops and throw a wrecking ball through a motherfucking building. Lex Luthor promises the army that he will deliver Superman and he technically did. We ended the issue with Superman pinned against the Daily Planet building by the speeding train that he stopped with his super strong Superman super man muscles. Superman wears jeans.

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2 seems to pick up where we left off. Let’s get started then, what the hell are you waiting for, huh?

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Superman in Chains”

Check out Superman on the cover of this issue. He looks positively FERAL. Like he’s going to start Hulking out, but alas this isn’t Marvel so there will be no Hulking. No Hulking at all.

We begin as the cover suggests: Superman is constrained to an electric chair with weak leather belts and he looks pretty banged up. Apparently, scientists are zapping him with electricity for, I don’t know, science purposes? Within three more panels he breaks free easily, which is something he should’ve done already, right? Why did he wait until Action Comics #2 came out a whole month later? Loser.

But nah, Superman only breaks out one arm before the scientists zap him again and render him weakened? Unconscious? The scientists all express their surprise at how poorly the electricity is killing him dead, I guess. Lex Luthor is there directing his team, intrigued like a sociopath at how Superman is handling this torture. He suggests next taking a blood sample and then throwing some fluoroantimonic acid on him, which is pretty fucked up actually. It’s at this point that one particular scientist demands what the hell is even going on and why this man is being tortured, and Luthor looks on unphased like some calm piece of shit. After yelling at him for a minute, the doctor storms off angrily and resigns. Luthor cracks open another can of pop and tells the scientists to crank the electricity up to 300,000 volts at 10 amps. Obviously, Luthor should be increasing the amperage, because keeping the amperage low while increasing only the voltage is just going to increase the resistance to compensate. Moron. I thought you were supposed to be good at torture.

Splash him with the acid! Right in the eyeballs! Show no mercy! We can’t be too careful! USA! USA!

As all this is going on, a team overseen by General Sam Lane is in another room shooting bullets and flamethrowers at Superman’s cape with great success! Oh wait, I meant NO success. Sorry, I get those mixed up! The cape is resisting all manner of punishment. Lane is informed that Lois is trying to get into the base to talk to him. He walks outside and she yells at him about [insert things Superman did in Issue #1 here] and that he’s a good guy because [insert things Superman did since 1938 here] and that the army should let him go! General Lane assures his daughter that he’s in good hands. This is the U.S. Army after all! Ha ha! OF COURSE HE’S IN GOOD HANDS, LOIS!

Luthor tells Superman that he knows about some big rocket that’s aimed at Earth like a bullet. He explains to Superman that a planet like Krypton that is possibly full of other Supermans makes him a wee bit squeamish. Luthor justifies his treatment of Superman as an animal. Superman is puzzled by Luther’s mentioning of the rocket and then starts cracking up in a manic fit of uncomfortable hysterics! He now starts taunting Luthor about his puny, squishy human body and his shitty human eyeballs, which prompts Luthor to make the first emotional response I’ve seen from him since the beginning of Action Comics. Don’t you dare make fun of Lex Luthor’s flimsy, ramshackle eyeballs! “SHOCK HIM!” he declares to his team of lickspittle scientists as he crushes his pop can lookin’ like angry Yul Brynner. Meanwhile, outside the base, Lois Lane has an uncomfortable conversation with an army dude named John Corben who has a mustache. He mentions the mustache.

Break his scrawny neck! Show no mercy! Krypton! Krypton!

FINALLY, after wasting all the time sitting there in a state of narcosis, Superman breaks free from his shackles and starts busting up the place! ACTION! After throwing around some equipment, Superman hoists Luthor up by the neck and starts threatening him to give him back his cape. As Superman grabs it, a hail of bullets bounce off as he runs for the hills. “I’m outta here!” he says! Like it was nothing.

As Superman tries to make his way out of the base, he comes across a room with a rocket ship that is emitting a ton of icy blue light and, uh, speaking at him in some sort of Krypton language? With a dreamy look in his tired alien eyes, Superman says as soldiers behind him look flabbergasted “Protect yourself. I’ll come back for you.” So there’s that I guess. The soldiers are still trying to get Superman, but Superman just whips around and melts their guns with his Gun-Melt-Vision and declares that he already said he was outta here!

Check out this fuckin’ elevator nerd.

As he’s busting through walls, making a real ruckus, Lois Lane is in the base trying to get into restricted areas like she owns the place! When the elevator she’s trying to jimmy her way into opens, Superman is already in there with a pile of beat up and/or deceased soldier-types. He grins sheepishly and flies away! DOOT-DO-DOOOOOOO, DOOT D-D-D-DOOOOOOOOOO!!

Next, John Corben the Army Guy with the Mustache goes to some chin-beard named Professor Vale and tells him “we need Steel Soldier more than ever!” This lends me to believe that Steel Soldier is some sort of anti-Superman sex robot? Or maybe just a regular robot? Vale says that research isn’t finished yet! Corben says “Fuck you, with all due respect, Professor Sir!” and storms into the Steel Soldier holding room like owns the place! It doesn’t look much like a sex robot, which disappointments me, but more like a wearable iron suit that Superman could probably kick into the motherfucking sun.

We end the issue with Luthor speaking to some unknown, knowledgeable advisor on a phone. Luther demands to know who this guy is and why he knows what he knows! The last panel shows some creepy, tentacle-y space station thing.

Final Thoughts

This Superman fella cannot be stopped, so why are these people spending a ton of money trying to stop him! It’s fine! He works at a newspaper company! Get a hobby, nerds! Plant some flowers or something!

I’m not particularly at the edge of my seat yet with this one! I don’t care if Lex Luthor wants to kill Superman! I don’t care if Superman lives or dies! I don’t care who Lex Luthor’s secret contact is! I don’t care about the creepy space station! I don’t care about John Corben’s mustache!

See you next time at Action Comics Issue #3 anyway!