Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #2 – “Superman’s Forbidden Room”! We’re going to learn all about Superman’s masturbation rituals in this thrilling issue! In the previous installment, Superman saves a spacecraft from flying into the sun by flying into the sun himself, exposing his cells to all kinds of dangerous sun radiation. More than even he can handle! And he’s going to die!

So he rips open his shirt and reveals his Superman tights to Lois, who is probably visibly shocked and/or horny.

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor gets arrested for sabotaging the spacecraft and the sun itself, and happily accepts the handcuffs. “Put me away boys, before I do something really terrible to Superman,” he smiles. How very ominous.

Good stuff, so far! I like that Grant Morrison fellow. He really boils my potato.

All-Star Superman, Issue #2 [February, 2006]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Superman’s Forbidden Room”

“CAN YOU GUESS THE SECRET OF SUPERMAN’S FORBIDDEN ROOM?” The cover begs me to answer this question, and it’s also begging me to make yet another joke about jerking off. Don’t tempt me.

Lois is in her car, and Superman is flying in the sky with it on his back.

“Clark Kent?”

“Clark Kent.”

“And you’ve always been Clark Kent? Sorry. I just don’t believe you, Superman.”

Lois is a dummy. The dude hides his identity by putting on eyeglasses. It doesn’t matter how plain-as-day his face is, Lois refuses to believe that Clark Kent and Superman are one in the same. Even though they’ve never been in the same room together! Chew on that one, Lane.

Superman flies her over to his Fortress of Jerking Off where his robot servants greet him effusively. They are to welcome the young lady and fix her car up a little. Superman must have accidentally squeezed a muffler too hard or something while he was flying in the air and jerking off at the same time.

Lois makes small talk. How’s Batman doing? Fine. Robin? Fine. Alan Arkin? He died a few months ago. Anyway, welcome to the Fortress. It’s very big and empty and needs a woman’s touch. Just like Superman’s penis without the “big and empty” part.

“Lois Lane, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist… and I don’t know what to think about this. Does it have something to do with my birthday tomorrow? Is this where it all turns serious at last? Is this where Superman’s girlfriend finally gets what she always wanted?”

Enjoy this weird-singing green-glowing spiky blob.

While Lois questions whether or not she’s good enough for Superman (he’s not good enough for her, honestly), Superman talks about boring stuff like his weapon collection and his giant room full of commemorative Spaghetti-Os bowls. He even shows her a kryptonite laser, which he twirls around like he thinks he’s cool. “I hope none of your enemies ever find a way in here, Superman. Or any art critics.” Ha ha ha, very funny mortal human lady whose head can get crushed like a grape if you don’t watch yourself.

Superman wants to show Lois his Time Telescope, which I’m capitalizing because it seems like the right thing to do. He can contact his successors and prevent threats before they even happen? Isn’t that neato keen? Too bad it’s still in development. He just receives weird, cryptic messages from the far future that he can’t decode, such as “is your uranium plasma-deregulator enhanced refrigeration module running?” To which Superman can respond with a rousing jerkoff session!

A holographic image pops up before their eyes. Why, it’s none other than Kal Kent of the year 853,450 AD! He’s bitching about climate change and the iPhone 75,012 SE, which has a shitty camera.

Superman’s key to the Fortress is so heavy that only he can lift it. “One day, some future man or woman will open that door with that key. When they do, I want them to how I felt to live at the dawn of the Age of Superheroes.” Superman is getting quite misty-eyed here. Must be the low level of oxygen way up here on this stupid mountain.

Superman then shows Lois a baby Sun-Eater. It eats suns, so Superman has been feeding it mini suns. This is dumb and let’s move on.

While Superman is being boring, Lois spots a room with its door cracked open. “I know I wasn’t supposed to see inside that weird room,” she says, barging in. “But I did.”

The room looks like it contains an android version of Superman pounding out algorithms on a fancy CSI computer.

“Lois, don’t go in there! You can go anywhere in the Fortress, but that room is off-limits.” Superman grabs her by the arm hard enough to break the bones and crush them into fine powder. He shoves her off to show her more really dull shit.

So Lois is like “I was Time Magazine’s #1 journalist of the universe and I’m really good at uncovering secrets and I found no evidence at all whatsoever that Clark Kent is Superman” even though you can TAKE OFF HIS GLASSES. TAKE THEM OFF.

Orange you happy I didn’t say banana?

Superman and Lois enjoy a nice dinner of wine and mush. The menu is from the Titanic and so is the food, apparently, submerged on the bottom of the ocean all these years! Really! I’m not (not) making that up!

Lois continues trying to poke holes in the whole Clark Kent = Superman thing and I’m getting annoyed. Throw his fucking glasses in the trash, bonehead. “Clark Kent and Superman are one in the same person,” Superman says while Lois looks through her fork at him. “I swear I wouldn’t lie to you.”

OK, she’ll bite. If it isn’t a ruse, then why lie for years only to reveal the secret now? Hmm? Huh? Eh? Buh? And here’s the fucking answer: “I can’t tell you why, Lois. You have to… trust me.” Go eat a shit, Superman. What a horrible tease.

Lois is mad at this. She gets up and storms off in a huffy huff. And now that off-limits room is bugging her even more. What is he doing when he goes in there? Why does he return covered in gallons of semen? Why would he lie to her??

That Snow White bitch ain’t fair, liar!

“What if something happened to his mind and he’s brought me here to be a part of some awful experiment he’s planning in that room?” Lois asks herself, typing furiously. Meanwhile, Superman stands in front of the Mirror of Truth and puts on his Clark Kent glasses. The mirror shows him without his glasses! The truth comes out! “How can I tell her I only wanted us to have this time together because it may be our last? How can I spoil her birthday with the news that I’m dying?”

I don’t know, dude. She might lol at that.

Superman leaves the room, and Lois is creeping around trying to spy on him. “I need to be ready. I have to protect myself. I need a weapon.” Yeah, like what? OH! THE KRYPTONITE GUN! Go gurl go!

Lois gets sidetracked by a voice emanating from the Mirror of Truth room. It’s a hologram of a Superman wrapped up like a mummy from the neck up, the Unknown Superman of 4500 AD! He will field exactly three questions! Isn’t that convenient? Make them count, dear.

She asks if she and Superman will marry and have children. Unknown Superman is like “Reply Hazy, Try Again” and automatically starts asking his own question that he wants answered. “Who was J. Lop?”

Superman’s robot guards enter the room and ask Lois if everything is ok. She runs out saying “EVERYTHING IS FINE PLEASE DON’T FOLLOW ME OR TALK TO ME OR EVEN LOOK AT ME.”

“Future Supermen?” she thinks. “It’s all making sense. What if that was really him, transformed into a monster so awful he has to hide his face and lie about his deformity?”

Lois grabs the kryptonite gun and runs off. “He knows I know. He saw a vision of his own future in there.” She revs up the blaster. “And if he’s brought me here to be the mother of a race of deformed superhuman horrors, he has to be stopped.”

So she camps out by the Forbidden Room door and bides her time. Then she yells for him to come out.

The door opens.

And then they have a nice, civilized chat and–

This is what happened to Phil Hartman.

“Oww.” Superman grabs his chest.

“Superman? Oh, my God! What have I done?” Lois gets bug-eyed and lowers the smoking gun. And Superman just found out he’s immune to green kryptonite radiation (?). I thought that was exactly what hurts him? CONTINUITY! CONTINUITY! HELP!

It’s time to cop to what’s in the Forbidden Room, and it’s not entirely semen. It’s where Superman was making her birthday present: he’s been “sewing” “indestructible threads” into “DNA” so that she can “wear” a “suit” that allows her to “duplicate” Superman’s “powers” for only 24 “hours”. Superman pulls a test tube of yellow liquid (piss) out of a containment unit. “This is for you.”

And then a Superwoman outfit.

“Happy birthday, Lois Lane.”

Final Thoughts

DAAAAAWWWWW, HOW SWEET. That fucking gun should’ve killed him. I hate Superman!

Good series so far! Looking forward to the next one!

If I had Superman’s powers I’d spend those 24 hours pushing a boulder up a hill like Sisyphus except instead of an eternity like a dingus I’d do it in two seconds. Then I’d spend the rest of the 23:59:58 time doing laundry or something. Fuck it.