Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.1 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 1)”!

Who cares about the previous storyline? This is going to be some alternate reality thing going on here? Or maybe a side origin story? Or maybe a Spider-Man snuff film? I don’t know what to expect. But let’s get this over with before I poop my pants.

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.1 [July, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 1)”

“I want to blame the spider. That stupid radioactive spider. If it hadn’t bitten me… if it hadn’t given me its powers… If I hadn’t used ‘em to become some big shot, celebrity jerk… you’d still be alive.”

Oh boo hoo hoo! Uncle Ben is dead! Waaahhhh! Uncle Ben molested you, kiddo. That constant stomachache? Those are the memories you’re suppressing!

So with great power comes great responsibility. We know this, and now Peter Parker knows this, and we can all eat our Burger King with peace of mind.

Parker returns home to find Aunt May hunched over a hot stove cooking god knows what. Eggs? Fuck eggs! She gives her nephew some nasty-ass eggs. She accidentally sets an extra place for Uncle Ben, who must have died 14 hours ago if she’s forgetting he’s dead and not even embalmed yet.

The phone rings. It’s one of the many banks who are like “HEY, UNCLE BEN, YOU OWE US MONEY!” Bills are overdue. There are loans against the house. They can’t even afford a proper funeral. They had to dump Benny’s body in the East River. Hahaha!

Good thing that Parker knows where to get some extra cash. He pays a visit to his agent to demand more gigs. Maxie, the agent with a name that reminds one of feminine hygiene, points to a paper of a man hanging from a lamppost by a spider web and asks if Spider-Man did that shit. “I– Uh–” is his only response, which is enough for Maxie! “’Web-Headed Hero Hangs Up Hoodlums!’ Think of the press we’re gonna get for this! Nationwide for sure!”

Spider-Man ain’t no hero! And don’t you forget it!

I will not profit off of it! All I ask is some money from you in exchange for my services! What about this don’t you understand??

Spider-Man swings away from the building with hopes that he’ll get some pretty sweet gigs lined up. Some real tender, supple gigs. “…I don’t deserve to have a normal life,” he moans, still going on and on and on about his Uncle Ben. Get over it.

The next morning, Principal Davis has a chat with Parker outside of the school. It seems that the little delinquent has been skipping classes over the last couple of weeks. Explain now or forever hold your peace. Amen.

“I’m sorry,” was Parker’s only response. Principal Davis tells the kid that the best way to honor Uncle Ben’s memory is to hand in his algebra homework. Sounds good, sir. Right away, sir. Got any extra homework, sir? I want to really honor him.

Local popular girl Liz pulls Parker aside, which has never happened before, and asks him if he’d like to join the gang in watching a live Spider-Man primetime special on Saturday. Live, huh? Uhhhh…. SORRY, PARKER HAS TO WAX HIS ANUS THAT NIGHT! UH, HEH HEH. UM…

Liz walks away angry. Flash approaches Parker and slams him against a locker. “What’s the deal, Parker? My girl asks you to come to one of her things, you go! Got that?” After Parker argues with him, Flash invites him outside for a stack of knuckle sandwiches with extra grease! Oh, I’ve been waiting for this, Flash, Parker thinks. You’re about to find out I’m not so puny anymore.

I will not profit off of it! All I ask is some money from you in exchange for my services! What about this don’t you understand??

A teacher breaks up the kerfuffle, but hooooooo boy, Flash didn’t want to know what Parker was going to do. He was going to sit on all those knuckle sandwiches, one by one. After all these lucrative gigs, he’ll have enough to be homeschooled and pay for Aunt May’s dentures! Just you wait, Flash!

Elsewhere, a brain-genius kid named Clayton tries to call up “friends” to score tickets for some upcoming Spider-Man shows. He scores tickets for some upcoming Spider-Man shows. I assume the kid paid top-dollar to watch Spidey flip and cartwheel majestically. Clayton jacks off in his seat while J. Jonah Jameson watches on his TV at home. “Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat!” he exclaims like a character in a 1928 Mickey Mouse cartoon. “What is this garbage?! I swear, they’ll put anything on the air now! Anything to make a buck!”

Spidey has an onstage interview by some Dick Cavett nerd, who asks him why the webs don’t come out of his butt. Spidey points to the cans of webbing he invented, which makes Clayton finally cum. “No way. Spidey built that? He’s not just a kid. He’s a tech-head.”

This encourages Clayton to tinker with an invention of his own. After soldering his dick to his hand, he comes up with his own web-shooter. “Y’know, I bet when he’s out of that suit he’s someone just like me!”

Yeah. Friendless. Horrible to be around. Ugly. Just keep on going.

Peter Parker talks to a photo of Uncle Ben while Aunt May gets a call from the principal. All sorts of smiley, he lets Aunt May know that Parker has skipped about 500 classes, possibly because his uncle exploded, and that the school has counselors for this kind of thing. Aunt May cries with gratitude.

Then she and Parker leave for the funeral (and no one puts the “fun” in “funeral” quite like Uncle Ben!)

It’s because you threw Uncle Ben’s bulletproof vest in the garbage that morning, you turd.

Aunt May smiles at the funeral like a lunatic because they’re surrounded by all sorts of people who loved Ben. And that makes her happy two days after he was killed to death.

A parade of old people hand Peter casseroles, and soon he’s carrying 60 pounds of shitty food. All because Ben was such a generous man and they all wanted to give back with fatty, shitty casserole food. Aunt May continues smiling like a dimwitted feeb when they get home, reminding Peter that good things come to good people and whatnot. The lesson here is to be a superhero with your smelly costume and your cans of silly string.

Maxie sets up the next show by preparing hoops with razor-sharp saw spikes for Spidey to jump through while a stagehand shoots saw blades at him. Really give those hicks in the audience something to gawk at! Amazing! It would be great if Spider-Man would show up, though, because I don’t think you can get away with running a Spider-Man show without him. One could try, though. I’m sure I could think of a way.

Well, sir, Peter Parker shouldn’t be skipping anymore classes, that’s why he’s not showing up to the TV studio dressed in a ridiculous, paper-thin outfit that shows off his titties and nards. Aunt May personally escorts him to the front steps of the school where the principal is waiting to personally escort him to class. “Glad you could make it today, Peter,” the piece of shit Principal Davis says smugly. Ugh.

Waiting there, too, is school counselor Mr. Flannigan who is going to tap inside Parker’s mind after school. So, unfortunately, Parker is stuck today and he’s really going to piss of Maxie! Maxie!

I hit him so hard he had to pick up his teeth with broken fingers.

Counseling every Thursday, starting now, son. Parker crosses his arms in petulant defiance. Flannigan asks about Flash Thompson and why he was ready to get into a fight with him. Why, Parker, you don’t look the type to even punch a fly! And when he says he has punched someone, Flannigan asks if it solved anything. “It would’ve. If I’d done it earlier. I see that now. When something’s wrong, you don’t wait. You take action. You make it right.”

Hear, hear.

Once Flanngian asks if all this is about Uncle Ben, Parker gets up and gives the counselor a big toodle-oo! He books it to the studio where he is just in time for the show (no rehearsals though, eep).

The saw blades start flying at him while he tries to do dainty twists in the air. Not only is Spidey not ready for this bullshit, but the blades rip through cables, supports, and beams. Whuh-oh.

Now the studio is in danger of collapse and the only thing Spidey has is two thumbs and his butthole.

But he saves the day anyway. Buy the comic book if you want to see why, you cheap bastard. I ain’t spoiling it here!

Maxie’s boss later yells at him for endangering the patrons, but Maxie waves it off. Spider-Man asks to get paid, but Maxie’s boss tells him he’s not getting a dime! He’s finished in this town for being such a menace! (Tom’s note: whut?) Maxie tells Spidey to forget him! They’ll go off and do their own thing, just you wait and see!

J. Jonah Jameson burns the midnight oil. He’s so damn mad about Spider-Man doing flippies and somersaults on TV that he writes about how much of a not-a-hero-at-all he is! Surely this will sway the public opinion on New York’s reddest vigilante!

And what becomes of Clayton? He was so damn inspired by Peter Parker that he whipped up a functional costume of his own. You can call him Clash!

What a stupid name. Comic book over.

Final Thoughts

I know the art on this is supposed to be vintage, but I think it sucks toads! Four more issues of this dreck? I’d rather poop a hammer!