Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue#1.4 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Peter Parker attends a science fair where he battles Clash as Spider-Man. No one wins, and Aunt May is left believing that Spider-Man is nothing more than a thug! A monster! A disgrace! An anime fan!

So now what? The more Peter tries to help, the more the public’s opinion of him dwindles. Hang it up, kid. There’s no future for you as a superhero. Get a job setting bowling pins, that seems more your speed anyway

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.4 [October, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 4)”

Well, this is the part where Peter Parker has the brilliant idea to take photos of himself in various provocative poses in order to sell them to J. Jonah “Jerkin’ It to Spider-Man” Jameson.

Also, with his crawly powers, he can get to places most people can’t and take photos of superheroes being jerks. The Thing stacking cars on top of each other to make room for his jet. Thor flying around with nurses. Iron Man crushing a cannonball in his hands as a performance piece for an orphanage.

Jameson is like “these are great kid *yawn* but where are all those Spider-Man pictures you promised me?” He pays Parker his earned $17 anyway and the boy is just jubilant that he can provide for the family now! Bills have been paid in full and on time. Even Parker’s grades are picking up again! And he’s hanging out with his nerdy A/V club buddies after school. And he got a science internship doing science things like holding up test tubes full of liquids. Things are coming up Milhouse! “It’s almost like the spider bite never happened,” he grins like the dork that he is.

“There’s only one or two loose threads to tie up…” Parker thinks. One of them is his counseling sessions with Mr. Flannigan. He wants to stop that fucking waste of time. “How’d you do it, son?” Flannigan asks. “How did you turn it around?”

Peter smiles, winks, and says “WOOZLE WUZZLE!” while cartwheeling out of the room. Maybe his Spider-Man days are behind him. He’d be more than happy to let him fade into the past. “I’m Peter Parker,” he says, passing the dementia test with flying colors.

Meanwhile, Clayton Cole buzzes around in the air as Clash. More than anything, this kid wants to stand out in the crowd. He floats his way to the Battle of the Bands stage in front of hundreds – nay, thousands – of people all throwing devil horns like they think they’re Ronnie James Dio. Well guess what? Dio is dead.

Unbeknownst to Clash, he’s actually interfering like a douchebag. The band on stage gets very upset, and vocalist even calls him a loser! A loser!

Ooooooh, now you’ve gone and done it.

Only my mom can call me a loser, punk!

So after Clash sends shockwaves down the stage and knocks off the band and their equipment, the audience starts booing as if Russell Brand came up to the mic. Security tells the kid to freeze, but he definitely does NOT freeze. He sends shockwaves at the guards, knocking them asunder! The crowd continues to boo, Clash tells them all to suck it (I’m not making that up), and he flies away yelling “SEACREST OUT!” (I made that up).

Later, Clayton browses the good ol’ World Wide Web and looks for phone footage of his majestic display. What he sees is his doofy ass claiming to the crowd that he’s the next big thing. What he hears is murmurings of the patrons around the phone saying things like “Spider-Man copycat” and “Web-head wannabe” and “Following in Spidey’s footsteps”. You know, things Clayton doesn’t want to hear at all. Then he finds footage of J. Jonah Jameson decrying Clash’s behavior as Spider-Man’s fault! “Just look at this new guy! Mimicking that menace’s every move!”

Clayton doesn’t want Spidey taking the credit for his own menacing moves! Nrrrrggghhh!! *tries to flip table over, ends up pooping his pants instead*

Peter Parker sees the headline on the next day’s newspaper: “SPIDER-MAN INSPIRES COPYCATS!” Again, we’re blaming Spider-Man for the shitty actions of ne’er-do-wells? Aunt May peeks over Peter’s shoulder and starts mumbling angry sweet nothings about these Spider-Man and Clash hooligans. Over her bended knee she will take these kids and whack their fannies ruddy! “Someone should put a stop to them both,” she says while Peter cries.

*promptly loses keys in a barrel of toxic waste, then accidentally sets the lab on fire with a childproof Bic lighter*

Peter now knows that it’s his responsibility to take Clash down. He inspired him, after all, with his sultry red onesie and seductive webs. In the lab during his internship duties, Peter designs an anti-sonic inverter. Just like the fork-hovering anti-magnet device he invented for the science fair only with sound instead of magnets! He needs all the equipment he can get, so when his mentor Dr. Cobbwell leaves for the day, Peter starts ransacking the lab for all the expensive electronic equipment he can find. This will certainly end well!

While Parker skulks around the school after hours, Clayton Cole skulks around the school after hours. Eventually, Parker finishes his anti-sonic waves mute button using so much stolen expensive equipment that he would get sent to prison for his crimes. “I need a lot a’ dough to buy replacement parts for everything I’ve ‘borrowed.’ Here’s hoping my boss at the Bugle, Jolly J. Jonah Jameson is feeling generous…”

Yeah right, kid. He’ll put A-1 Steak Sauce on your butt and make you eat it. “An advance? Ha! Kids. Always wanting something for nothing,” Jameson laughs while Parker frowns like the world’s saddest clown. Maybe if he had more pictures of Spider-Man, Jameson would be whistling a more charitable tune! But while Jameson blah blah blahs about his favorite superhero boyfriend, Parker’s Spidey-Sense starts tingling all the way down his spine and into his scrotum.

It proves to be useless, because one nanosecond later Clash busts open the wall to Jameson’s office from the outside. “Jameson! Listen up! I wanna have a word with you!” Clash yells in his whiny, nasally voice. While trash and broken glass flies everywhere as if in a tornado, Jameson shakes his fist. “Speak of the devil! What is the meaning of this? Did Spider-Man send you?!”

Ha, well, that just makes Clash more mad, doesn’t it then? Parker crawls out of the office like a baby and heads toward his new invention. His new invention that he forgot to plug in to charge. Whoops! Meanwhile, Clash is throwing Jameson around and saying things like “You’ll remember my name after this!” and “I’m the real menace in town!”

Parker decides to rip off his nice business-casual threads and reveal his Spider-Man getup. Jameson bleeds profusely from his forehead. Clash poses for the inevitable front page. “So that’s your game? Well, you’re not getting one ounce of ink!” Jameson yells. “’Cause as far as I’m concerned, you’re a clown who belongs in the funny pages.”

Got ‘em.

Then Spider-Man shows up all “BOOGITY BOOGITY!” Then there’s a fight while Jameson stands there and yells ineffectively for them to stop. This just causes the two masked boys to wreak even more havoc.

What does it look like I’m doing, Newspaper Hitler? I’m fucking your shit up!

Parker gets so mad at Jameson’s constant hollerin’ that he webs his mouth shut with a ropey, sinewy “THWIP”. And now that the anti-sonic inverted has had a full three minutes to charge up to 100%, Spidey is able to use Clash’s powers against him. Clash is a step ahead, though: he increases the amplitude and frequency! Duh! Clash’s newest boom breaks more glass and eardrums… and the anti-sonic inverter. Then Clash fucks on out of there while laughing at Spidey’s failure! Ha ha ha haaaaa! Ha ha ho ho heeeeee!!!

“He– he just out-scienced me. But that’s never happened to me before! Ever!”

While Spidey laments, Clash pats himself on the back as he flies across town. He beat Spidey at his own game! “Clayton Cole! The one and only Clash!” he congratulates himself. Because no one else will.

While Spidey looks out the window, Jameson admits to Spider-Man that he was wrong about him (!!!!!). Clash is the real menace here. Him and Dennis. That Dennis is always the menace.

“I see it now. You’re just a joke! A loser!” Jameson looks feral. “A web-headed has-been!”

Spidey agrees because he’s a sad-sack supreme. He’s yesterday’s news. Why, Jameson doesn’t even want pictures of that shithead anymore! It’s all about Clash now, son.

To add insult to injury, Parker gets chastised by the principal for stealing $500,000,000,000 worth of equipment from the lab and the A.V. Club. This alienates Parker from his buddies AND gets him another 17 years of counseling from Mr. Flannigan! Dr. Cobbwell doesn’t trust him anymore, and he gets fired from the Bugle for not taking a single picture of the fight that happened in Jameson’s office. A real low point in Parker’s life. It’s time for heroin under the overpass for you.

Parker cries on Uncle Ben’s grave. He has really let the old man down for being such a snot-nosed little puke. That was already the case, though, so I don’t know why he’s so upset. Uncle Ben never loved him.

lol

Final Thoughts

Way to go, Peter Parker, you gigantic failure. Uncle Ben is spinning in his grave like a top over your constant fuck-ups. Maybe you should just invent yourself an anti-survival noose and hang yourself in the bathroom while Aunt May watches Matlock in her mothball-smelling bedroom.