Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4! In the previous installment, Spider-Man swings into a burning building to do nothing and save nobody. J. Jonah Jameson gets offered a job at Fact Channel. Black Cat and Electro join forces to squash Spider-Man into a pulpy mess. Elon Musk injects fentanyl into his balls. Donald Trump smells like armpits, ketchup, and a butt.

And now back to the action.

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [September, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott

Parker Industries has developed its first invention intended to subdue Electro: Anti-Electro Netting! They wire some poor sucker in an electric suit and turn on the juice. While 400,000 volts of electricity course through the guy, the netting is able to contain any of the discharge… and it holds! Yippee! Let’s turn it up to 900,000 volts and then slap his ass with a paddle.

Parker’s phone goes off and it’s the Avengers. “Yes!” he exclaims to Anna Maria Marconi, who arches that eyebrow the way she does. You know the way. It probably got Doc Ock off more than just a few times.

The Avengers are calling the whole crew, which is good for Peter Parker because Peter Parker is Spider-Man and Spider-Man is part of the whole crew! I guess Doc Ock didn’t ruin Spider-Man’s reputation hard enough.

Parker shimmies into his uniform and books it right then and there while Marconi is like “WHAT ABOUT YOUR COMPANY, DINGUS?”

Marconi returns to the lab where Sajani arches her own eyebrow and asks what the dealio is. She won’t accept any excuse anymore. Not even “it’s the end of the world”, which it seems to very much be apparently. Let’s check in on that.

Spidey reaches the scene where the action is already in progress. The Avengers and the X-Men are fighting some Eyeball Man. Spider-Man takes this opportunity to effusively tell everyone, in the middle of the fray, that he is indeed Spidey and not some octopus jerk. They don’t want to hear it right now. They never want to hear about it again.

They do the kablooie, if memory serves.

So, from what I’m gathering here with my meager knowledge, this Eyeball Man has the eye of the Watcher, and the Watcher has seen everything, and he’s going to explode the eye like a bomb, and that means millions of secrets that the Watcher has Watched will now flood all the Avengers’ and X-Men’s minds! Apparently!

Spider-Man sees visions of the spider biting him. He also sees visions of the spider biting a girl. He also sees visions of the girl telling her parents that she can’t control her powers. He also sees visions of the man named Ezekiel who offers to help the girl and her family. He also sees visions of Ezekiel training the girl to contain her powers. He also sees visions of the girl getting locked into a bunker for the good of the universe or whatever.

It’s all over. Spidey asks the others if they all saw what he saw, but probably not. The Hulk saw himself taking a shit. Captain America likely saw his own dick getting twisted into a pretzel.

Panicked, Spidey fucks off to try to find the Bunker Girl. As he swings, he gets another flash of memory. Something about a woman named Madame Web with a prophecy as follows: “If you want, you can stop. The web will reweave itself and another Spider-Man will take your place.” Spidey suspects that this “Madame Web”, IF THAT IS HER REAL NAME, meant the Bunker Girl. What’s her name again. Sally something? Stella? Sarah? Katie? Jeff? Ah yes, Cindy! Cindy Moon! “She could’ve replaced me,” Spidey thinks. “Ages ago!”

He flings himself over to Ezekiel’s old building, which tells me that Spidey knows who Ezekiel is and where his old building is located. This is because Ezekiel was planning on sealing him in the bunker too! Can you imagine all the unprotected sex that would’ve gone on in that bunker? Years of raw-doggin’ it? What a missed opportunity!

Lies! Lies lies lies! Ezekiel knew from Day 1 who both of them were! This is decidedly a revelation! I’m confused and am probably missing something important.

These censors are so sophisticated. They also sensed if your pants are full of poop (they are).

Ezekiel’s automated message welcomes Spider-Man back, and if he’s hearing this recording then that means he has “survived Morlun’s attack”. And Ezekiel hasn’t. So kudos to Morlun for fucking that one up royally. “There’s something you should know. You are not alone. There’s another like you. A spider. And there’s a reason I kept this from you, Peter.”

But, conveniently for plot suspense purposes, Spider-Man doesn’t get to hear this reason quite yet. This is because, for plot suspense purposes of his own doing, Spider-Man flings a pile of web goo at the screen, breaking it. “I’m done listening to you!” he yells petulantly.

Spider-Man jaunts on over to the bunker entrance and communicates to Cindy through the bunker intercom. She can’t believe what she’s hearing! A person! And it’s the Spider-Man! Hot dog! “Don’t ask me how, but I know the code,” Spider-Man says while he punches in the code he knows for some reason. She tries to stop him.

“Don’t! You can’t! Didn’t they tell you what would happen?!” Cindy grabs at her face as if meaning to claw her dang eyes out. “If you open that door… Morlun will come.”

Yeah he will. He’ll come all over your face! Spider-Man doesn’t find this to be a sufficient enough reason to stop punching in those sexy numbers. Before long, the hatch opens up with an airy “TSSSS”.

She gets pissed.

Yeah, but look on the bright side. Heaven is just another bunker, if you think about it!

Somewhere far away, on some planet with two moons, a guy I suspect is Morlun kind of wakes up in a stupor and sniffs the air. Ah yes, that’s the scent of Some Girl Unlocked From a Bunker. Excellent, excellent. “It’s time. The great hunt begins,” he tells himself. “From this moment on… let all hell break loose!”

Very dramatic, sir. You look like a wedgie would do you in nicely.

Returning to the bunker, Cindy quickly kicks Spidey’s ass. He can barely defend himself because she’s so quick and Spider-like. He can’t get a word in edgewise! He’s trying to tell her something important about Morlun, but she doesn’t want to fucking hear it. She has all these MRE packages ready to eat and you had to come and spoil it!

“Why should I listen to anything you have to say?” she asks, flinging Spidey across the room.

“He’s gone. Forever.”

He’s dead. Buried. Done. History. Worm food. The Great Bunker in the Sky. She likes the sound of that! She’s good to go, then? Hot dog! Time to blow this popsicle stand and see New York! How are those Twin Towers doing??

Knowing that she can’t just leave in her tank top and extremely, extremely short shorts, she whips up a makeshift suit with her Silky powers. Stunning! It reminds me of Spidey’s web underpants, but more… fashionable?

Call her Silk while she’s all dressed up, k?

Silk, as it were, she’s so excited to be out in the world that she swings waaaay ahead of Spider-Man. She’s good at it, too. Better than him. He’s all like “HUFF PUFF SLOW DOWN!” He has let her loose and now she’s a danger to herself. She has no idea how much the world has changed. We’re talking iPhones and black presidents. Toy Story 3. Crazy nutso stuff.

But who cares about that right now? Silk will be fine. At Parker Industries, however, Black Cat is sneaking along the side of the building all cat-like and feral. The scientists are now trying Electric-Suppressing Gel, which smells like formaldehyde and burns skin like the dickens.

Black Cat takes photos of the lab with her sneaky spy camera. That’s all well and good, stealing photos of their plans, but what she needs is some tech nerd who can tell her how it all works…

So she kidnaps Sajani. I’m due for another screenshot. Here’s one:

I think Ryan Dunn shoved that camera up his ass once.

While Spidey swings around town, he notices that his Spider-Sense (aka boner) is drawing him toward Silk. “It’s not supposed to work that way,” Spidey thinks. “It’s always steered me away from danger…”

Spidey follows Silk to the window of an apartment containing a black family. “It’s my home,” she says. “But… that’s not my family.”

She starts tearing up. Where are they? Did they move somewhere? Where can she find them now? Are they even still alive? “And all this because if a spider bite.”

Well shucks, lady. Spider-Man will help you out! And–

Wait, shut up for a second! Silk wants to know exactly how long Morlun’s been dead. How long ago could she have left the bunker? Spider-Man says the timeline is tricky because he’s actually died twice so far. Silk gets mad again and slaps the shit out of Spider-Man. “It means he can come back! He could be out there somewhere right now!”

Me? How about you? Can’t you feel it? When it hurt? When you fell down from heaven?

They both can feel something all right. Silk is super horny so she pulls up Spidey’s mask and they both start sucking each other’s faces.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Final Thoughts

Yeesh. Spend 10 years alone in a bunker and the only thing you can think about is getting your rocks off? In this Christian world? For shame.