Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #5 – “Zodiac (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5 – “Zodiac (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Thanos starts really cramping everyone’s style. He mind-controls Hulk so Hawkeye shoots a flaming arrow in his mouth, which was the funniest part of the issue. Other than that, Iron Man gets the President involved (of the United States!) who sounded dumb and incoherent and unfit to help whatsoever.

Black Widow safely stashes away the Ultimate Nullifier. She interrogates Cancer of the Zodiac Clan and these dudes are only collecting knickknacks for Thanos because he promised them ultimate power, which he might be lying about. The Avengers team shits diarrhea because they don’t know how they’re going to handle this situation, but the Guardians of the Galaxy show up out of nowhere all like “WE CAN HELP”.

This story is really dumb. It’ll probably end with Captain America talking Thanos into going back to where he came from and Thanos going “uh ok”.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #5 [September, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 5)”

COVER ART ANALYSIS: Disgusting.

Set the clock back to a few days ago. A spread of sensory overload bullshit showing the Guardians of the Galaxy guarding the galaxy fills the first page. They’re blasting a spaceship with guns and lasers and laser-shooting spears and laser-shooting guns and gun-shooting lasers and participating in some cute banter while they do it. I think they’re trying to transport a family/community of weird blue aliens to safety, but they could very well be trying to feed them to the green aliens? There’s so much going on!

I only saw the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie and I thought it was dull so forgive me if I don’t know who any of these characters are. Chris Pratt. Bradley Cooper raccoon. Green Zoe Saldana. My knowledge now ends.

“INCOMING!” yells somebody. Probably a good guy, maybe a bad guy. The large spaceship crashes into the urban area that they’re all fighting in, destroying at least 6,000 square miles of architecture and killing one chicken. “Who will save us?” squeaks a blue guy in his native tongue of Blueguyish. Every member of the Guardians (of the Galaxy) (Milky Way) is unharmed.

“Are you okay?” asks Green Zoe Saldana.
“Absolutely not,” answers Chris Pratt, “Why are the Badoon even on this planet?” he bitches some more, “Why are you trying to enslave these people?! This isn’t what you do! Who put you up to this?”

The Badoon don’t enslave people? Whoops! They forgot! What do they do, then? Oh, they assemble and install porta-potties during festivals? No wonder they’d rather enslave people now.

“English Earther! I’m just Badoon! I only following orders,” growls a green Badoon.

Wrong answer, pal. SCAASSHHH. Eat a bowl of laser courtesy of Christopher Michael Pratt, born and raised in Virginia, Minnesota!

…

“They’re trying to take what isn’t theirs. They’re Badoon. It’s exactly what they do,” explains Raccoon Face.

No no no no NO NO NO NO NONONONO NO NO NO!!! Something doesn’t add up! Something reeks of fish and it ain’t this pile of rotting fish next to me.

I’m just here for the Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast, I swear to GOD man!!

“You’re the one who follows the Lord’s way,” says the green dude insufferably while Pratt continues choking him out.
“Lord’s way? What does that mean?”
“The one true Lord of Death!… His Lord Thanos.”

Oh ok I finally see how this is going to tie in! I was ready to throw this comic book in the garbage, but I’m glad I read past the first four pages.

Pratt sees this for the trap that it is. These Badoon were sent to follow the Guardians. Thanos plans to take Earth because he has no other hobbies or responsibilities or interests, and he needed the Guardians to be as far as possible away from Earth because Thanos is apparently scared of the raccoon and the tree guy. “The one above my rank asked the Lord Thanos for permission to just kill you,” he stammers, “but Thanos killed him just for asking the question.”

Yeah, whatever, the evil guy does evil things. Wake me the fuck up if you have more exciting news. Green Zoe Saldana steps forward and vows to stop Thanos. After all, he is her father. I guess.

“You will not stop him! He is the Lord of Death! You cannot stop–”

SCABLAMM! Raccoon Boy blasts him in the face with an ejaculation of lasers from a gun. “Thanos is going for Earth,” he contemplates, then turns to his peers, “What do you say?”

AND THAT’S THE STORY!

What a cozy gathering of everyone’s favorite Marvel superheroes! Plus Hawkeye.

Everyone gets acquainted with one another at Avengers Tower. Hawkeye meets Raccoon and offends him immediately. Hulk meets Drax and they both frown at each other. Drax is the WWE wrestler, I forgot about him. Green Zoe Soldana is Gamora, a name I get confused with Gamera, but Gamora isn’t a giant monster seeking to crush Tokyo. Not yet.

“Lady Gamora, it has been a while,” Thor greets the green woman.
“Thor.”
“I have often thought of you.”
“Oh.”

Pfffft, awkward. They give each other the ol’ fuck eyes before Chris Pratt interjects and continues drilling the Avengers for more of that juicy Thanos gossip. Iron Man fills him in: Thanos promises a group of twelve people a secret chest bursting with silver doubloons if they can steal some items for him, one of which being the very terrifying Ultimate Nullifier, among others. Maybe a particle accelerator. And a comb.

A LITTLE TROUBLE IN PARADISE, EHH???

Pratt wants to know what Thanos was able to take so far, and Drax fears that it’s the Infinity Gems. Captain America butts in with what he feels to be a better question: ddduuuuuurr, what Thanos here doing??

Keep up, dumbass. He wants some items! Go play in the sandbox, dumbass.

“Are the Infinity Gems on Earth?” Pratt asks with just a wee bit of panic. Captain America and Iron Man stare at each other like Beavis and Butthead. “They’re fine,” they both say without much confidence. They may be fine now, but they won’t be eventually.

The Guardians are all thinking the same thing: of course Thanos is here for those fucking gems. Gamora is inclined to sort of disagree maybe. That large jerk would be storming in by himself if he knew the Infinity Gems were nearby. He wouldn’t hire twelve people to bring him nullifiers and combs. He’d be scaling Mount Everest and diving down Marina’s Trench! He’d even go to Branson, Missouri. All he would need is just one of them, too. Just one Chaos Emerald and that guy would be ejaculating all over Earth as if it were his own face! No, no no no, this guy is after something else.

“And I’ll tell you why…” Gamora says, all-knowingly, because she thinks like her father and she understands what that guy needs to make himself feel all happy and tingly. Yeah baby. Gross.

While the adults are talking, Hawkeye and Black Widow sneak off to the largest kitchen in the world that also has the smallest kitchen sink in the world to discuss clandestine matters of violence against women.

Black Widow removes part of her tight, leathery costume to expose her bleeding back. Hawkeye swoops in all suave and helpful and fondles her in the privacy of Avengers Tower’s giant kitchen with a giant window the whole city can see into.

Show you what? The sink? I will if I can find it.

“Natasha… if you’re hurt… say something,” Hawkeye whines, “You don’t have to act tough. You kept the Ultimate Nullifier out of the hands of a crazy alien demigod who will use it. You saved the world.”

Yeah, don’t act tough! You saved the world like a pussy!

Natasha smiles at this display of genuine affection from the guy who shoots arrows for a living. He calls her his best friend. She kisses him. He’s surprised. It looks like he’s almost ready to slap her!… but he decides to enjoy it instead.

Spoiler alert! The cover of this comic book already showed this.

…then, THEN, then Natasha Black Widow Stroganoff recoils and storms off in a huff. “You have a girlfriend, Clint Barton!” she deflects, taking the fake high ground while kicking Hawkeye off the ledge. You know… down to the low ground, I guess. Hawkeye is flabbergasted and stymied and befuddled. WOMEN! CAN’T LIVE WITH ‘EM, CAN’T LIV–

Hawkeye takes this opportunity to be pensive.

Sorry, dude. Try as you might, but you’ll never hold a candle to Alfred Pennyworth. THAT dude, as we all know, fucks.

“The Earth is off-limits,” says Dave Bautista, “that’s the reason Thanos would use such lackeys for his plan. The Earth is off-limits to all non-Earth entities. Lackeys were his loophole.”

Pffft, even supreme beings need to work with loopholes. This shitty universe is such a racket.

Thor is confused. Why is Earth off-limits? Well, Blondie, let’s just say “The” “Earth” “Fucking” “Sucks”. AND, mind you, Earth is like a hazardous waste dump. Nobody likes it hanging around the galaxy. It’s full of power-hungry primitive beings swinging around their god swords like they’re cock of the walk! They ain’t know what they doin’ over there! Everyone else is better off just letting Earth be self-destructive.

“Some see you as children playing with loaded weapons,” says Drax bluntly. Chris Pratt isn’t happy with Drax’s bluntness, but whatever. What’s he gonna do about it? Leave Parks and Recreation to pursue his movie career? I’d like to see him try!

Captain America thinks this is mean and rude and unfair! Ha, ok well, check out the science, Jack. Earth is about 40 years behind even the most primitive of other civilizations! You guys are still smacking around your jukeboxes to try to get them to work while Planet Gorkglax plays their music on Sony PlayStation 9. IS ANY OF THIS GETTING THROUGH TO ANY OF YOU LUNKHEADS?

Captain America frowns like someone just told him he has to eat a plate of poop before he gets dessert, and Chris Pratt tells him to not be offended. It’s just the truth! Lighten up. Even Iron Man agrees and he’s from Earth, dude. Remember? Do you want another helping of poop?

Long story short, Earth keeps getting involved in stupid space shit that has nothing to do with them for some reason. It’s dumb. And until you stop that, then the rest of the galaxy is going to keep taking a whiz on your planet as they pass through without stopping.

“Earth is the Jewel of Nine Realms,” argues Thor, like there is anything more to say. He knows where he can stick his Jewel if he doesn’t shut his trap. Stop complaining, and maybe in another generation you can sign up to be on the Cosmic Civilization council! You guys can sit next to the Fart Planet.

I mean, honestly, don’t even bother. You losers wouldn’t even get the secret handshake right.

Chris Pratt does apologize and admit that it’s all not entirely the Earth’s fault. Not like they’re asking to be picked on the Skrull and the Kree and the Romulans and the Goa’uld.

What does this have to do with anything? “Recently, a sort of galactic council decided to make it known that Earth was not to be touched. For someone like Thanos, that was an invitation for him to try to take it.”

OH GEE HOW DID THE GALACTIC COUNCIL MISS THAT?? Bunch of big brains on that board.

So Thanos needs lackeys to steal the items so they can give him the items so he can use the items to steal the Earth for himself. Because why, exactly? The real estate is just too good to pass up? Why would anyone want this dumbass dying planet? This is me asking, now. Tom. The guy with the website. I genuinely want to be enlightened here.

“What exactly did he get his hands on?” asks Bradley Cooper Raccoon.
“We don’t know,” responds Chris Evans Captain America.
“You don’t know or you don’t want to say?” asks Brad Coops.
“We don’t know,” responds Chris Hemsworth Thor.
“Who does?” asks Dave Bautista Drax.
“Probably Thanos,” responds Jeremy Renner Hawkeye.

*snicker*

Yeah, heh heh, right, MAN, it’s like, uh, don’t you have a galaxy to guard bro??

Ever the diplomat, Chris Pratt calms the room down and politely reminds everyone that the Guardians really need to know what they’re dealing with in order to, you know… help. At all.

OK, fine. Captain America asks Tony Stark to outfit the Quinjet for space travel so they can blast off somewhere. The raccoon wants to help too. Captain America tells Hulk to come with him. Black Widow wants to come too but she gets shot down. My only guess at the moment is that Captain America is going to drive down an empty stretch of road and kick Hulk out into the middle of nowhere so that they never have to see him again!

What an idiot, he didn’t even do that. I fucking hate Captain America. They take a visit to the army base where Hulk was hanging out in Issue #1. The two of them confront General Whedon about what was in their convoy before it got stolen. Captain America needs to know this, even though neither he nor Hulk are going to be able to remember what it is by the time they get back from their trip.

Whedon gets fiery-eyed and fiery-mustached! “Not everything in this world is for your eyes. Not everything the military is involved in needs to be vetted through you and your Avengers.” I feel like this guy just said what I’ve been thinking for many months, especially since I read the New Avengers Illuminati shit where six people were taking it upon themselves to control the universe when no one asked.

Well, it’s not working. The whole county knows your wife is a slut.

Captain America thinks this is fair. However, sir, it’s a matter of life or death. As everything always seems to be. So cough up the info. “Well, isn’t that just like something you would say,” Whedon retorts, and I like this guy a lot. I hope he isn’t forced into gi–

Ok, well, Hulk threatens to “smash” and that’s the end of that. It’s cool as hell that the Avengers use intimidation tactics and threats to get what they want!

The Quinjet is ready for space travel! It only took 45 minutes too, which is great because I hate it when outfitting the Quinjet eats up my afternoon nap time. Captain America and Hulk return from their mafia thuggin’. “Thanos has a Cosmic Cube,” Cap reports back while Hulk stands there drooling. The army created a new one because the old Cosmic Cube was lost in the laundry and the army didn’t like not having one. Raccoon Jones doesn’t like this news one bit. When it comes to cubes, the cosmic ones are one of the more dangerous types.

So get in the damn Quinjet and strap in, motherfuckers. We have to see a guy about a cube.