Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #8 – “Zodiac (Part 8)”! After a lot of pain and torture, we have reached the end of the storyline. In the previous installment, there’s a lot of fighting between the Badoon and the Avengers/Guardians. Like, a lot of fighting. And a lot of panels were full of this nebulous art. I honestly didn’t know what the fuck was going on.

Here’s the CliffsNotes version: none of the Avengers died in the vacuum of space (sadly). A whole bunch of Badoons died, but that was just one military ship. They have 779 more. Also, Thanos shows up at the end and he’s very translucent and glittery.

Behold, the final installment. Then I’m moving onto something else god dangit.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #8 [December, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 8)”

Thanos is very translucent and glittery, as previously mentioned. Our able-bodied Avengers and Guardians teams stare up at the dude with their “oh for the glorious love of fuck” faces.

“I’m no expert, but that looks exactly like Thanos, except bigger and cosmic-er. And it looks like he figured out how to work the Cosmic Cube he stole,” says Hawkeye, talking out of turn when nobody asked him to. As usual.

Thor is going to swoop up there and try some stuff. Don’t attempt to stop him, else you get a face full of Super Mallet. Let Thor do Thor’s thing!

Captain America shakes a finger in Thor’s face, attempting to stop him. Thor gives Captain America a direct order to return to Earth and alert the other members of the Asgardian branch of the Get Rid of Slimy Girls club. Now who’s talking out of turn! Cap refuses.

Iron Man tells Cap to stuff it and let him go. He has a plan and he doesn’t need Thor anyway, so let him cavort like an idiot in deep space around Big Cosmic Thanos.

Here’s my plan: First, I start thinking about coming up with a plan. Next, I work on coming up with a plan. Hopefully Thor will be dead by then.

Here’s Stark’s real plan: send all this info to Reed Richards and hope that he does something about it so that Stark can go eat at T.G.I.Fridays. They have a special on that Jack Daniels barbecue appetizer combo!

Meanwhile, Thor is revving up to hit the giant, ethereal wisp of nothing in front of him. The Cube is spinning within Thanos’ chest.

“I have the blueprint files on the Cosmic Cube that Thanos stole from Earth,” Stark points to the spinning cube on his high-tech hologram screen while Captain America drools heavily on his bib, “Remember, this Cosmic Cube is man-made. This Cosmic Cube is an American-made–”

He doesn’t get to finish his USA dick-sucking sentence. Thor’s electrified hammer-blast hits square on the Cube (I suppose it doesn’t hit x², right? Only x³), which doesn’t work very well. It just redirects Thanos’ attention to the Ship of Fools and he starts powering up his Cube Gun.

“Okay, I’ll need my ship back now,” Quill says nervously.
“Yeah, time to go!” Raccoon Man adds in. Stark tells him to wait, but who died and made him boss? Joseph “Dead Guy” Biden?

(Editor’s Note: As of this writing, Joe Biden’s not dead. But if he is by the time you read this, then lol)

Thanos spends about 750 pages powering up his Cube like a super saiyan from Super Saiyan 2: Attack of the Super Saiyan. I’m just super sayin’, is all.

You’re stalling, Reed! Get me Tony Stark! You are but a poop stain on the bottom of his poop-stained socks, you Fantastic Piece of Shit!

I forgot that the Avengers were talking to the President of the United States of America (Washington D.C. branch) about all the hoo-hah. I love these situations where some knowledgeable types are talking to the President and the guy is just like “I DON’T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS, BUT GET IT DONE! WHAT ARE OUR OPTIONS? NO MATTER, JUST GET IT DONE! WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ANY OF THIS, I’M THE PRESIDENT DAMNIT! I SHOULD BE STEALING NUCLEAR DOCUMENTS AND STORING THEM UNDERGROUND AT MY GOLF COURSE WITH MY DEAD EX-WIFE!”

Unfortunately, your best buddy in the whole world Tony Stark has lost contact with Reed Richards. Sorry. Maybe a space goblin ate him.

The president is getting very impatient. He’s a cunt hair away from sending a heat-seeking missile to Richards’ pretty face, but then the situation gets dire. Too dire to explode the messenger. “Sir, I think it’s time to initiate your extinction-level event alert systems. I’m not sure what good it will do, but–”

SON! ARE YOU WHACKED OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN? I MAY AS WELL USE MARBLES TO PAY FOR TACO BELL AT THE DRIVE-THRU. I’M NOT SURE WHAT GOOD IT WILL DO. MAYBE I’LL CLEAN MY WIFE’S WHITE SILK BLOUSE WITH KETCHUP AND MONKEY SPERM. I’M NOT SURE WHAT GOOD IT WILL DO, BUT–

Yeah, so, the President’s Situation Room is a festival of shocked grimaces now. Reed Richards always kills the buzz.

Whatever blast was happening while Thanos was going super saiyan (and looking like the ugliest orgasm in the universe was overtaking him), the Avengers/Guardians scrambled away in their ship. At least, it seems like it at first. Now the ship is stalling, but at least they’ve avoided Mr. Bubble with the Cube for now. They all try to gather their bearings while Hawkeye wonders where Thor went.

Of course. Certainly. They’re in the Cancerverse. Why not?

It was a catchier name than “Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pit”, but just as horribly unhealthy.

“Rocket, can you reboot this ship and get it going?” Stark asks.
“Reboot it like a shitty comic series? GLADLY!” he says. Just kidding. But he should have.

Tony Stark is going to turn this boat around and try for Round 2. Maybe they can pick up the pieces of Thor along the way as well, if they have time.

“We’ve been banished to a hostile dimension by a demigod with a Cosmic Cube,” Black Widow points out as if the rest of them didn’t know that already. Cap probably didn’t know. He doesn’t even know what underwear is.

The thing Stark gets touchy about is the repeated use of “Cosmic Cube”. Folks, it was built on Earth by the army. There’s nothing cosmic about it. *dusts off hands*

He also decides to yammer about how smart he is. “See, the reason I made a fortune as a weapons manufacturer…” oh my GOD dude WHO FUCKING CARES? The rest of the team are rapt with attention, but I’m not buying it!

Stark throws shade at the army. With $950 trillion of the United States budget going toward the military, they do a terrible job of actually researching and developing anything. I guess most of that money goes towards snacks and different shades of green paint for their camouflage helmets. Long story short, in a way that’s in no way related, Tony Stark knows things about the Cosmic Cube! Should’ve been brought up a few issues ago, sir.

Turns out this Cube ain’t actually a cube! It looks like a cube, it has all the right sides and angles and faces, but blah blah blah something about pulling a lot of dark matter from an open portal. Stupid. The “Cube” itself, therefore, is a portal, and “it’s a portal to energy that doesn’t belong to anyone in this universe.”

It’s not like your mother, Cap. Ha!

I speak a lot about Captain America being the dumbest one in any room, but the fact that there are ten of them staring determinedly at the cube hologram that Stark has displayed before them and Captain America is the only one making a literal face of complete confusion, that tells me that every artist who has ever drawn Captain America knows that he’s supposed to be the dumbest one in any room. There is simply no denying it.

OK, Captain Mouthbreather, here’s the short and sweet of it: it’s not really a Cosmic Cube! Surprise! So Tony Stark can possibly shut it down and render Thanos completely Cubeless. And then stick the cube up his butt, which is what Stark actually says. I didn’t make that up!

First, Stark needs to get close to the Cube to do his energy readings. Second, he needs to log the specific energy signature so he can reverse-engineer the apex of its dimensional rift and block it! I think he can use a corkscrew for that. Third, he’ll need to use the bathroom.

Gamora takes this moment to announce that Thanos has become one with the Cube. I suppose that happens through meditation and breaking the endless cycle of rebirth and whatnot. This kind of sucks, because now Thanos is getting fucked over by Fake Portal Dark Matter Cube and he might be volatile and angry! That’s not like him! In Soviet Fake Portal Dark Matter Cube Russia, Cube controls you!

Quill has been in Cancer Town before and it’s gonna be a pain in the nuts to get out of there. A testicular pain in the nuts, you might say, sort of, if you’re 12 years old OR if you’re me.

Aha, but in an example of the comic book classic trope “we’re only screwed for one panel”, Thor shows up with some of his buddies! “Friends, I am very glad you are not dead,” he triumphs as he approaches with his Elders of the Universe posse. These guys are huge. One has black and white yin and yang-style paint. One has flowing red hair. They all have ornate arm bracelets. They look like the worst metal band ever and I’ve seen photos of Manowar.

The Elders tower over the Avengers and stare meanly at them with their pupil-less eyeballs. “Ok, now we have Elders,” Drax says, catching on quickly to the situation. The Elders have been talking amongst themselves about how to deal with the pesky Thanos problem, and then Thor appeared to them like a little gnat.

Calm down, kiddos. There’s enough Thanos for everyone to get a piece.

Elder #1 believes that they need to tread lightly to deal with Cosmic Cube Endboss, but Tony Stark (being obviously smarter and way more handsome and brave than a lowly Elder) informs the fool about the inauthenticity of the “Cosmic” “Cube”. This is news to Elder #1, who knows everything. He knows what color underwear Stark is wearing (the color is “no underwear”), but he didn’t know this.

So the situation is worse then? Gotcha. They need to tread even more lightly to deal with Cosmic Cube Endboss. Stark is gonna shut it down, you just wait and see.

Well, there’s some good news here at least. Thanos didn’t kill them like he promised. He just banished them to the Cancer Sector. So they’re all still alive to eventually tear him a new butthole.

Elders are going to help! Huzzah and hurray.

Meanwhile, ethereal see-through Thanos is as large as 45 Earths and he stands upon the planet like he’s a constipated mule ready to take a big dump on Argentina.

The B-List Avengers are geared up to fight as well, led by Maria Smulders Hill. They all streak across the sky in many ships. The ones that fly do some flying. “This is a cosmic-level event,” Hill hollers over an intercom or maybe through a bullhorn, “We are at Level Seven. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.”

Ah yes, Level Seven. I believe that’s Pipe World? That’s my favorite!

Mr. “Fantastic” tells the President that Iron Man and Captain America are nowhere to be found at the moment, so they have to all prepare to expect the worst. Then the Commander in Chief gets hauled away to his bunker where there are plenty of snacks and camouflage helmets.

Now that Thanos is here, and he has the Ultimate Nullifier I think! Oh no! Oh no!

And in an example of the comic book classic trope “we’re only screwed for one panel”, the Avengers A-Team appears out of nowhere through a portal to save the day! *bugle toot*

No.

Thanos is fucking LIVID, man! “MADNESS! I KILLED YOU ALL!”

Not today!

Then fighting ensues. I’m not going to type it all out, but Thor’s hammer goes “FRASHAKAKABOOM” and launches the Cube right out of Thanos’ chest. He’s not see-through again. He’s all blue.

Groot does a lot of beating the guy up while yelling the only three words he knows. Then they all take turns punching him one at a time. He’s shaking on the ground now like a loser.

Thanos isn’t done yet! He’s going to take Earth betwixt his thighs and crush it like a… wait a minute! Are those Elders?! SHIT! Shit shit shit!

“Yeah, see, we made a deal,” says Iron Man as the Elders loom over the bloodied Thanos, “The Elders help us beat your ass, they get to keep your ass.”

So that happens. Something happens to cause a smoldering crater where Thanos was writhing on the ground like a pussy. He’s gone.

I agree guys, no regerts.

The Elders have kept his ass. Captain America wants to know why, exactly, this country, this wonderful country that he loves so much like a nincompoop, this glorious piece of shit country that the rest of the world hates with good reason, is making a Cosmic Cube behind the Avengers’ back! THE AVENGERS NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING! LEVEL 10,000,000 CLEARANCE!! RESPECT THE STRIPES!!!

“You know why,” Hill answers matter-of-factly, “They have to be ready if and when the Avengers screw up or just go nuts.” Preach, lady! The Avengers aren’t as infallible as they think they are. They can really go fornicate themselves, honestly. As in “fuck” … :]

Most of the Avengers are like “hey!” and “why aren’t WE trusted? US!!!” and “aaaauuughh!”, but Stark agrees that it’s not the military’s job to trust them. BUT, they’re going to pay that General Whedon jerk a visit and drag his insolent butt all the way to Fisticuffs City!

The Guardians of the Galaxy don’t have time for this little kid stuff and are getting the hell out of here. Bye!

Now don’t you dare even consider getting us involved ever again, children.

“I envy the hell out of you guys,” Stark says with a furrowed brow of awe and slight self-disappointment, “Uncharted Worlds. Undiscovered sciences. Green ladies.”

“You should come with us. You really should,” Quill responds… let me check… sincerely. Perhaps Stark is the only cool kid in the Avengers. I mean, it’s not that much of a stretch I guess. The rest of them are useless.

The story ends with Lord Terces receiving the news that Thanos has failed. And he’s missing. The Elders got him and they’re probably making him dance right now, shooting their guns at the ground like it’s 1881, consarnit. “The great ship Oul-Cee has not answered calls since reporting its encounter with the Earthers and their pet Asgardian. But the message was incomplete. They had also made mention of Quill the Star-Lord and his Guardians.”

Whew, sounds like a lot of bad news to me. Lord Terces is going to be quite cross I’m sure! Let’s watch…

“Earth. I’ve had just about enough of that entire place. If our brothers fell at their hand, then they have declared war against the Brotherhood of the Badoon. We will take their planet, or burn it trying.”

Ohhh snap! He’s mad!

Final Thoughts

What a mess of a story. Ultimate Nullifiers and Cosmic Cubes and Badoon and Thanos and Guardians of the Galaxy and Elders and a bunch of extra Avengers and the Lord Terces guy and the United States military and Reed Richards telling the President to prepare for the human race to be wiped off the Earth very soon! A mess!

Can’t wait until the next story!