Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “Born to Kill”! And so I begin yet another New 52 series in order to eventually weave everything into the many crossover storylines that will eventually lead me to tear my hair out and overdose on lithium pills that I found behind the Wendy’s dumpster.

I’m interested in the Batman family more than any other DC franchise, and since Action Comics left a sour taste in my mouth (for now), I’m jumping ship on that Superman motherfucker until I can regain the threads of my sanity. As you may or may not know, I’m still sticking exclusively to the New 52 revamp since all the publications got a soft reboot, as far as the Batfamily is concerned I’ve covered the first story arcs of the 2011 relaunches of Batman and Batgirl.

I now move on to Batman and Robin, Volume 2! George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell! Volume 1 had only started in 2009 with its entire run written by Grant Morrison, who I’m glad I’m not dealing with again right now after the Action Comics debacle. Let’s hope ol’ Petey Tomasi decides to tell his stories in chronological order like a good boy.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Born to Kill”

The series opens in a frustrating action sequence that I’m starting to get very used to seeing now. I think we’re in Russia, there’s a guy being chased by some hulking Batman-type hero/villain. The guy is attempting to gun down the Batman-type hero/villain during the chase to no avail. When the Batman-type hero/villain stops the guy, holds him up and starts telling him “I am an ally of the Bat and Moscow will no longer suffer under your–”, a pistol floats in midair and shoots the guy right in the head before Bat-thing can finish. Next, Mr. Russia Batman gets his face kicked in by some other hero/villain, who incapacitates him with his fancy lightning palm. “I’m nobody,” the mysterious figure states to Russia Batman, “and so are you.”

DC Comics Proudly Presents Batman and Robin in: BORN TO KILL! *squeaky horn honk*

The clock strikes 4 at Wayne Manor. I can tell because there are four “BONG” sound effects! The mansion is dark, it has an Addams Family vibe. Bruce Wayne stares at an old portrait of his family on a mantlepiece and says “It’s time for a change”. He walks into the room of a young boy who is sleeping above the covers in pitch black pajamas on a pillow that looks like a rolled-up towel, looking like he’s going to be biting necks any second.

GAH! Keep it away! Protect your necks, get the garlic!

Bruce tells the child that they’re heading out, but the child says it’s only 10:00 (WAIT A MINUTE, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE “BONG”S?). The child is named Damian, because of course he is named Damian, he fucking looks like a little Damian. Bruce says they have a stop to make before they start patrolling, and so they start getting ready for their little adventure.

“I’ve never told you why I set the clock to 10:48 to open the entrance to the cave, did I?” Bruce asks Damian with an air of “I’ve actually told you a million times but maybe THE AUDIENCE doesn’t know yet!” in his tone. Damian claims, boredly, that no, he has never been told with an air of “And don’t you dare fucking tell me or I’ll make your head spin upon your neck at 800 mph.” Bruce tells him that 10:48 was when his parents were killed, and Damian basically gives him shit for using this password on literally everything. “Show some respect, they were your grandparents” Bruce chastises Damian, and Damian basically says “go fuck yourself, Pops”. This is some good, angsty stuff here already!

As they head down to the Batcave, Bruce expresses regret for not sharing a lot of his secrets with Damian, and Damian says something to the effect of “fuck you, and fuck your dumbfuck secrets! I wanna watch Mythbusters! Why are we down in this smelly hole, Father? I’m glad your parents died! I want Pop-Tarts! Kevin’s dad doesn’t take him to any caves! Kevin’s dad is a dentist!”. None of this is true, of course, except maybe the part about Pop-Tarts. They make these really good ones now that taste like peach cobbler!

Bruce is very patient with the little pistol, let’s him know that he wanted his son to be with him tonight and that’s all that matters, plus he wants Damian to help Bruce honor his parents’ death in CRIME ALLEY. I still think it’s funny that it’s fuckin’ called “Crime Alley”. Now I’m also wondering if Peter Tomasi took the New 52 Batman and Robin assignment to vent some daddy issues of his own? Like, there was a big board meeting at DC headquarters, and Tomasi was hopping up and down desperate to take Batman and Robin. “My dad touched my pooper, I need this series!”

Bruce, as Batman now, wants to go to Crime Alley one last time on his parents’ deathniversary because he’s tired of honoring their deaths. From now on he wants to honor their lives! Damian, as Robin now, says “It’s about time, Pops. You’ve been a fucking idiot.”

Maybe if your parents were smarter, they wouldn’t have gotten killed in front of you. Loser.

Batman keeps getting sentimental and Robin keeps tearing him down! Batman keeps ignoring him and Robin keeps twisting the knife! “The future’s always in the process of interpreting the meaning of the past, Robin.” says Batman. “What the hell’s THAT supposed to mean?” says Robin. I didn’t make that one up this time! But I sure as heck am still thinking about peach cobbler Pop-Tarts right now!

Finally, FINALLY, Batman tells the kid to shut his mouth. Robin lands one last blow on him by saying “You were easier to look up to when you weren’t around.” This heartfelt exchange is broken by Alfred’s announcement that some shit is going down at Gotham University, and they leave the stinky, smelly Crime Alley sewer of Fun and Games to do their superhero-ly duties.

We all had that one weird friend in elementary school who would constantly already be riding the ball.

At the Gotham University Research Reactor, some fool-ass punks named Ronnie, Robbie, and Reggie have just killed a few security guards and are in the process of filling up their tanks with irradiated fuel for their unnamed boss. The brothers are finished loading up and are on their way out when Batman and Robin show up ready to kick some fool-ass punk tail. They start beating these kids up and dodging their guns full of bullets, the usual gritty hero/villain fare. The brothers start escaping through a tunnel after blasting a hole in the wall, and they discover the Batman/Robin vehicle, whatever it’s called. “Looks like we have ourselves a ride.” says Reggie or Ronnie or Rudy or Rowdy Roddy or, you know, one of them. Robin tells Batman that he’s going to follow them. Batman tells him not to follow them. I’ll give you 45 guesses as to what Robin decides to do here.

So Robin doesn’t not not NOT not not NOT NOT follow them! As the three brothers attempt their getaway in what Robin calls “the Ball” (*snicker*), Robin leaps onto it and hangs on. As Robin tricks the brothers into blowing themselves up in the vehicle full of irradiated fuel like dumbshit morons, Batman tries to figure out on his own how to seal the hole that the brothers blew up in the wall (because reactor water used to cool the rods is escaping through the hole). He attempts to accomplish this by blowing a hole in the ceiling. The floor above them is the university’s swimming pool, which empties through the hole and refills the reactor. Batman got all this info from the floor plan of the building he requested from Alfred, and I guess it was worth possibly risking a few swimmers’ lives? Meh.

Well shit. Pool’s closed!

We see an arm with, like, seven gnarly fingers rise up out of the body of water next to the wreckage of “the Ball” (*snicker*). This may be important later!

Commissioner Gordon is sent to investigate the ruckus long after Batman and Robin leave the scene. “Whoever flooded this rod pool saved two city blocks from being contaminated tonight. Any ideas?” asks a biohazard cleanup crewman. “Yeah. A few.” says Gordon, knowing that some Bat-related Man might be involved.

Batman later asks Robin what became of the brothers, since their supposed charred corpses are nowhere to be found. Robin basically answers “Don’t know, don’t care”, but Batman chides the little rapscallion and tells him that they don’t have a license to kill. Irradiated fuel is unwieldy and unpredictable! Robin tells him that he can handle himself, and he didn’t kill anyone. Robin projects some of his Robin insecurities, yelling at Batman that he’s better than all the other past Robins! Batman says he trusted the other Robins, and Damian still has to earn it. “How long is that going to take?” gripes the snot-nosed 10-year-old. “I’ll let you know,” huffs Batman.

♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon ♩ ♪ ♫ ♬

We end the issue where we started in Moscow. Russia Batman is hanging from a rope getting dipped into a vat of IRRADIATED FUEL! Or acid of some sort. The unknown villain tells him that he’s erasing him. Like he never existed in the first place. Far out, man.

And Bruce Wayne will be next!

Final Thoughts

I’m starting to be on my guard now, because I’m starting to notice that I’m pleased and satisfied with how series/storylines start and then my enthusiasm wanes as I get deeper. Right now I’m intrigued; I was expecting post-pubescent Robin and I’m delighted right now to see this little piece of shit convey unbridled snarkiness every chance he gets! I’m more interested in that dynamic than any sort of Russian Batman-killing supervillain right now. We’ll see where the focus is going forward.

Jiminy Jillickers!