Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #2 – “Bad Blood”! In the previous installment, Robin is Damian Wayne, the pissant little 10-year-old son of Bruce. Not to be confused with Damon Wayans, who was Maj. Payne and not D. Wayne. It is implied that Bruce hasn’t been playing daddy much lately and now he has to kind of pick up where he left off with this little shithead? Lots of tense moments. Little Damian needs a hug or two and maybe some Adderall.

In Moscow, some mysterious villain has caught the Russian version of Batman and we see the victim get dipped in acid in order to “be erased”. The villain plans on moving on to Bruce Wayne next.

Oh boy! Superheroes! On to Issue #2!

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Bad Blood”

In the Batcave, Bruce is talking to Alfred in what may or may not be a flashback. “What the hell did Talia do to this kid to turn him into such a…killing machine…” Bruce asks out loud. Oooooooh, who’s Talia? Is he Damian’s GIIIIIIIIIIRRRLLFRIEND?! Bruce says that Damian’s broken and it’s his job to fix him, but Alfred reminds him that he’s a father, not a mechanic. Is that why the Batmobile broke its wheel and the Joker got away? Maybe!

There’s a montage of Damian doing ninja warrior shit at a very young age. Seems like Talia was prepping little Damian to be on American Gladiators. Bruce recognizes that he may be no better than Talia, pulling him into all this action nonsense, but he’s going to try to nurture some soft sensitivity into the kid. Alfred gives Bruce a little “there, there” and assures him that he’s been good at being a moral guidance to all the various Robins over the years. Yuck! Yeah right! “Guidance”. Gross! Bruce admits that for the first time ever, he’s afraid of dying and he’s afraid of what might become of Damian if he’s not around. That’s some cliché dad stuff, Bruce! A little trite, don’t you think? Elevate yourself!

Bruce enter’s Damian’s chambers, who is at a drafting table obviously plotting his father’s murder. Bruce asks if he’s been a good boy getting all his homework done, because tonight they have a weapons shipment to take down. LOL! Good parenting.

I could have been in here jerking it in an unholy manner, Father.

The shipment truck is noting that there are no cops on their tail. As they’re heading to the docks, Batman and Robin swoop in and blast a hole into the rear door of the truck. They also start kicking some ass! Action, baby, that really gets my juices flowing!

Put away the sack full of nickels, son, you little rascal you.

The bad guys are all bound together and hanging upside-down from a rope tied to a lamppost. Batman and Robin collect the guns from the truck. Batman comments approvingly at Robin’s restraint. “Refusing to pound these felons with the excessive force you wanted to is commendable.” Batman says to him. “I WANTED TO FUCK THEM UP REAL BAD, THOUGH, FATHER, SIR.” says Robin, but Batman teaches him a lesson! Just because you wanted to doesn’t mean you had to! We can all learn from this!

*beats up Peter Tomasi to a bloody pulp*

Batman and Robin leave the bad guys hanging. Police sirens are heard in the background, so they all try to get their wits together and escape. However, the Big Bad that killed Russian Batman pops into the scene to kill these hanging chads so I guess that’s that!

Back at the Batcave, Bruce Wayne is sitting at his Star Trek command console while wearing his Star Trek uniform with a “W” insignia. Albert is concerned that Damian is overexerting himself, but Bruce is like “go fuck yourself”. Alfred asks if Bruce told Damian that he was proud of him, and Bruce says he did, but Alfred says saying “your actions are commendable” sucks ass and he should be ashamed of himself! I’m glad Alfie is projecting his own daddy issues on Bruce, this is really going to make for some compelling storytelling.

Bruce heads to Damian’s training room, where the boy had successfully fucked up 1.1 million dollars worth of training equipment and, uh, fighting robots. Bruce tells him simply “I’m not a trillionaire…uh, but yeah, heh, good work. Get some sleep” and walks away. In the cave corridor, Damian snatches a bat out of midair, crushes it to death like a little psychopath, and tosses its carcass down into the cave depths. Alfred observes this in secret. Probably while jacking off.

Yeesh. Bruce better watch his nuts.

The next day, Bruce is buying a dog at the kennel for some reason when he bumps into a guy named Morgan who I’m sure, being a seasoned dyed-in-the-wool DC Comics fan, I should know! But I don’t. He looks like Morpheus. This appears to be a less-than-genial encounter, as Bruce tells Morgan that not only should he be dead, but he knows he was the one who murdered the hanging-lamppost bad dudes! Morgan, in turn, lays his cards on the table about what he hates about his Batmanning. Bruce now accuses him of killing Ravil (Russian Batman, yes), and Morgan explains that his “pushing of the Batman brand” across international borders is despicable! Heinous! Contemptible! Detestable! Odious! Thesaurus.com! And he intends to stop it. “You’ve distorted the clarity of our mission, Bruce” Morgan says to him while they stand so close to each other that they could lovingly touch tongues. They argue about morals, virtue signalling at each other like a couple of Reddit posters.

Hooray! Danger candy!

Morgan says that he’s not here today to attack him, but to warn him. He presses a button on his Men in Black neuralyzer-type device, which causes a nearby barrel to shoot out candy. The dog is startled.

Final Thoughts

So this particular comic series is going to be loaded up with Peter Tomasi’s unresolved father issues, and I’ve begrudgingly accepted that. I’m still confused about, like, if this series is canon. Is Bruce always raising a son, did he pop out of nowhere? Does he have this son in the other concurrent Batfamily series? Is Damian jealous of Dick Grayson, who seems slightly more well-adjusted than Damian and also gets to hang around the Batcave whenever he wants?

That’s about all I got on this so far. See you fools next time.