Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7 – “Driven”! In the previous installment, we finally get the whole Bruce-Wayne-Morgan-Ducard-Fallout backstory and it’s not that exciting! Bruce Wayne was duped into helping murder a known terrorist, and instead of being sniped by Morgan he instead almost murders Morgan. This is the story he never wanted to tell Damian. How very scandalous.

Meanwhile, the ambassador was kidnapped and tortured for information. As he’s getting dunked into acid, Robin activates a GPS to let Batman know his location and then reveals that his loyalty to NoBody was a ruse the entire time. This pisses off NoBody, who starts beating Robin so that Batman can hear through the GPS.

Batman is not happy. Morgan Ducard is going to fucking bite the curb.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7 [May, 2012]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Driven”

KRAK! “And that was the sound of your son’s fingers fracturing.” says NoBody. Batman is on his way to find Robin via the GPS tracker, and as he’s making his way there NoBody is allegedly torturing Robin so that Batman can hear every sound. Robin isn’t yelling or screaming or anything, which leaves me suspicious, but this is a comic book! You can’t hear comic books! Unless you flip the pages really fast, then it’s like “fwip”.

“THREE MILES TO TARGET” chirps the GPS. Why, that’s still so far away! Ducard NoBody has time to break half of Robin’s brittle little bones by the time Batman gets there! He can even break the little ones in his ears! In the background, the ambassador is halfway dunked in the acid. “Do what you need to do, Father!” yells Robin with the clarity of someone whose bones aren’t getting broken at all, methinks.

Fuck his ass up, sir!

Batman is chasing him down in his Batmobile, and I guess the Batmobile can fly? NoBody continues to taunt Batman through the GPS, letting him know that he’s going to “leave Robin broken and bloody just like you left me that day in England”. How very poetic, except not really because it would have to be Henri Ducard breaking Robin’s fingers for it to be a matching scenario. Oh well, the cleverness was almost there at least.

Right before NoBody grabs Robin’s chest and liquifies his organs into liquid paste with his super cool soundwave gloves, Batman crashes his Batmobile right through the motherfucking ROOF of the boat, bitch! “YOU TRY TO MURDER MY SON — AND EXPECT TO LIVE?!” Batman yells furiously, taking time to cloak the front of himself with his cape in a menacingly intimidating pose. And NoBody just kinda shrugs and says “yeah, kinda, actually”. And then Batman says “NOOO!” and throws his bat boomerangs at him. lol

Batman launches at NoBody and starts tearing his ass up a bit. When NoBody tries to launch his sound waves at him, Batman tells him that he modified his suit to handle his attacks. I can’t tell what happens next very well, but it looks like NoBody stabs Batman in the back with six razor-sharp daggers that he had hooked around his fingers? I dunno.

It’s a tale as old as time. It’s called “being born”.

As Batman and NoBody fight, NoBody loudly betrays his deep daddy-issue insecurities (oh wow, the running theme). “Morgan disappeared the day you threw me across Ducard’s table like a piece of garbage! In my father’s eyes I was dead after you beat me — I was nothing — I was nobody!”

Why wouldn’t Batman use those words against him? What’s with these villains just speaking out loud their deepest shames to their mortal enemies? Batman tells him that he’s still an insecure little boy trying to please his father. “YOU STOLE MY FATHER, SO I’M STEALING YOUR SON. QUID PRO QUO.” NoBody says, taking a moment to display his dead language knowledge while he slashes Batman’s cheeks with his dual-wield NoBody Blades.

“The world doesn’t need a ‘Batman’, it needs a ‘Nobody’! It’s always been a nobody who rises from the masses to make things right!” NoBody says triumphantly, not aware of just how absolutely, horrifically lame that really sounds. “And it always takes a somebody…TO SHOW THEM THEY’RE WRONG!” Batman retorts, really letting NoBody have it with a full-page spread headbutt to the bread basket. Then he hoists NoBody up over his head and fuckin’ tosses him right into the vat of acid. He even submerges his arm in there to hold him down. Some splashes up into his face, so he unmasks.

Nickelodeon has gotten way more brutal with their slime in the last couple of decades, huh?

He and Robin lock eyes. Robin looks numb. Bruce looks exhausted.

Finally, Bruce hoists NoBody out of the acid before it kills him (even though, uh, acid kinda keeps working even if you’re covered in it still, but ok). “Let’s get the hell out of here, Damian.” he says. They share a touching moment.

*burp*

“Did you think I betrayed you, Father?” asks Robin. Bruce says no…and then admits kinda yes. The boat is still sinking, as it has been since a goddamned Batmobile crashed through it, so the next step is to figure a way out. Morgan is currently shackled to a rolling lab cart. While Bruce goes over the plan to escape, dump Morgan off with the harbor patrol, get back to the Batcave, debrief with Alfred, Morgan surreptitiously threatens to kill Robin and his family. This doesn’t sit well with Robin, and before Bruce can truly stop the little lad, Robin gives Morgan the ol’ one-two-buckle-my-shoe! Some real poetic justice, finally! He delivers a lethal blow between the eyes, the very move that Morgan taught him when Robin crossed over to the dark side.

This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a “POK-SLARK”.

He, in fact, hits him so hard that most of his hand is embedded in Morgan’s skull. Gross!

Final Thoughts

One issue left! The denouement, as it were! Lots of action in this one, lots of full-page artistic flexing. The next one will be the cool-down, the heart-to-heart, the realization that some real shit will go down now, and it’s only the beginning.

Perhaps.

But hey, twists everywhere, right? As a reminder, at the end of Issue #4 I gave my prediction about how it was all going to play out:

Looks like Damian’s going to the dark side for an issue or two, he’ll learn the error of his ways, he’ll come crawling right back to Bruce crying about how wrong he was, Bruce will jab him with an I-Told-You-So before they decide to team up as a real team and fight this villain. Respect will be earned both ways.

Well, none of that happened! Damian was faking it! Bruce had to go on a manhunt! Damian was the one who ended up killing the villain!

In short, I don’t know what to expect at all with the final installment. I’m horny with suspense!

Haha, what! Crazy.