Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2 – “Batman and the Monster Men (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, we are treated to four points of view: Norman Madison, business mogul who wants nothing to do with Salvatore Maroni’s shady business dealings; Julie Madison, daughter of Norman and Bruce Wayne’s newest squeeze; Professor Hugo Strange, all around loser and antagonist; and Bruce Wayne himself, the Man behind the Bat, man.

Hugo Strange is doing bad things while Batman does bat things, and that’s really all you need to know right now. It’s going to get more fleshed out here, I’m sure.

Or not.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2 [February, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Batman and the Monster Men (Part 2)”

The sanitation department found a woman’s disembodied arm floating around in the sewer. There are, like, bones sticking out and everything. Gross. Apparently, there are other pieces floating around too. Double gross. Jim Gordon is on the case! First thing’s first: get rid of all the gawkin’ rubberneckin’ types! Ain’t nobody need a media circus on the scene! Second of all, leave Gordon alone with the body for a few minutes ifyaknowwhatimean. Hubba hubba.

“I try not to notice the details that add up to an answer I don’t want to consider,” Gordon thinks as rain pours on his ginger head.

Speaking of towering, wet men, Batman has arrived on the scene. He and Gordon, they’re good buddies these days. Gordon thanks Batman for showing up. So, lookie here: *points to a pile of body parts* There’s no head, so hopefully she has some fingerprints in the system. Batman notices bite marks everywhere. Good eye, professor. “She appears to have been mauled by some wild animal.”

Gordon points out that there have been no reports from the local zoos or circuses! So that rules out lions, elephants, and some of the hungrier clowns. Batman plucks a couple of hairs from under the woman’s ravaged fingernails and is kind enough to leave some evidence for, you know, the police. Gordon allows this. The Batman is good at forensics, he should get the first crack at it, son.

Meanwhile, Professor Hugo Strange is looking through microscopes and blathering about genetic manipulation. He’s distressed over an experiment that he’s fucking failing at like a little bitch. Suddenly, associates of Maroni barge into the lab to have a friendly chat with the mad scientist.

Ey, let’s get this guy fitted for a couple’a cement shoes! What’s your size, cowboy?

Hugo Strange isn’t intimidated by these goons! However, the goons remind the little pipsqueak that Maroni demands punctual payments for his services. He’s got two days to get his finances in order or there will be hell toupee.

Julie Madison is at a restaurant waiting for Bruce to show up to their candlelit table. “God, I can’t remember the last time I sat and waited for a man in public like this,” she thinks, frustrated. Bruce then shows up with a sly kiss and an even slyer grin. He’s all schmoozy and boozy, ready to spend an evening with Gotham’s prettiest girl! (Bruce!)

They flirt a bit like horny children before finishing their meal and skipping out on the check, probably. “So, Daddy says he’d like to get to know you better. Says he wants to see if all the rumors about you are true!”

Bruce says “meh, I’m boring” but agrees to this weird interrogation that’s about to happen in the not-so-distant future. Bruce cuts the evening short so that he can go play Batman, which Julie finds awfully suspicious! “Perhaps the rumors about him are true,” she grumps. “What if there’s another woman? Or several?”

“Several” doesn’t even scratch the surface, honey. He has a whole Jonestown of women ready to drink the Kool-Aid in the name of Bruce Wayne. You best not worry too much about it, honestly.

Julie hears sirens coming from a police chase. Two fat cops are in pursuit of two fat ski-masked, gun-toting hooligans. Long story very short, Batman comes in to save the day with his various utility belt toys and knick-knacks.

Any move that emphasizes Batman’s taut buttocks is a good move indeed!

Batman stops the bad guys, but the cops urge him to hold still or they’ll shoot from their very real guns.

“Ease up there, partner,” says Cop #2. “What are you doing?”

“He’s a wanted felon!” complains Cop #1. “There’s a standing warrant out on him! Commissioner Grogan–”

“Commissioner Grogan isn’t here,” says Cop #2. And since Batman just made their FUCKING jobs easier, let’s take the W and move on with their lives.

Speaking of taking the W, Professor Strange takes the weenis, as it were, and starts griping about the lack of availability of test subjects at this time. “…Drastic measures are necessary.”

What kind of drastic measures, son? Pullin’ the ol’ pud? Getting some sperm on your clothes? Sounds counterproductive, but hey, I’m not the professor here!

Hugo Strange is scavenging Arkham Asylum for some drooling, vegetative subjects. His guy on the inside produces a real winner. “Got a ripe one for ya tonight,” the gruff, cigarette-smoking orderly says, showing Strange a sad sack in a wheelchair.

Jeff Conaway has seen worse days…

Strange says “yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, this’ll do quite nicely…” and presents his associate a fat wad of Monopoly money. “I don’t expect you to understand this, but… the pleasure is all yours,” Strange says dramatically. The orderly is like “yeah, whatever” and Strange drives away with his new fresh sack of meat.

Hey, how many times have you all read about Gordon wanting to be a good cop amidst a city full of bad cops? Well, guess what idiot? ACAB.

One of Gordon’s minions comes in to brief Gordon on that heist that got interrupted by the caped weirdo in the gray tights with the tight buttocks. After that, he has the results back from Forensics on the hair and DNA and poop under the dead, dismembered woman’s fingernails…

“Human,” Bruce says to himself in the Batcave of Wonders. “But how is that possible? The samples were four or five times as thick as normal human hair. I need to trace the remains to their source.”

Alfred descends the 9,000 stairs that leads to the cave with a tray of tea, a gift that Bruce slaps out of Alfred’s hand every day that he does it.

“As always it seems my timely reminders that you need to eat will be lost in the frantic furl of black leather,” Alfred says snarkily, describing Bruce’s penchant for afternoon BDSM. Bruce promises he’ll eat later once he sees a man about a horse, as it were.

Meanwhile, we turn to Norman Madison, a man no one reading this comic cares two farts about. He talks about how he built Madison Industries up from a mailman and a fishbowl to a thriving conglomerate of two mailmen and three men who got lost on the way to Dunkin’ Donuts. Maroni has visited Madison’s humble abode to discuss BUSINESS.

Remove those pants, sailor! It’s time for some o’ those services!

“Trouble making payroll again, eh?” Maroni taunts, smoking on his fat dick of a cigar.

“Several of my… investments haven’t panned out,” Madison responds. “And two of our foreign distributors are in deep appears.”

“Tragic.” Maroni blows a fat dick of a puff of smoke. Looks like Maroni needs some money, son. “Three million is a lot o’ scratch. Yours at 30%. We got a deal. Be seein’ ya, Norman.”

Julie comes downstairs like a seven-year-old who just woke up after the adults got done playing Parcheesi and having lewd, sweaty orgies. Norman lies and tells her, uh, he had a visitor with bad manners! OK, well, not entirely a lie! Maroni isn’t known for keeping his elbows off the table. Norman observes that Julie should be out fucking Bruce Wayne, but Bruce had other plans this evening yet again! Well, Norman aughta box his ears! “Tell me, dear…” Norman snarls. “Do you trust this man? I mean, his reputation?”

Julie sniffs. She wants to trust him, but Bruce Wayne is a sack of doorknobs and is probably boning every broad in Gotham’s East Side, North Side, and every other side besides! Save some ears to box for Julie, dad!

Luckily for Julie, Bruce isn’t fucking ladies but he’s instead swimming with the poop in the sewer. A favorite pastime. Batman intends to follow the path upstream from where the body remains were discovered and he finds remnants of a biohazard bag. Was the killer a medical professional, or was he just some short bald guy who kills women who make fun of him? Hard to say!

“This case is confusing.” Batman wrinkles his nose, and I’m willing to bet that it’s not because of all the poop. He decides to take a breather on the DEAD BODY PARTS case and focus his attention of whatever Maroni is doing (picking his nose and eating the boogers).

Speaking of a guy Batman shouldn’t be ignoring right now, Professor Strange appears to Frankensteining himself up a Monster Man! His lackey tells him that there’s a gambling game going on with a dozen armed men, and Strange is like “hmmmmmmmmm, one will suffice.”

Long story very short, because I’m BORED NOW, Strange’s Frankensteined Arkham patient tears off everyone’s limbs and dismembers penises and he looks like a growling, hairy giant! And we’re only on Issue #2! Shit’s going down, fam!

Final Thoughts

This is better than Batman and the Mad Monk already, but we still have four issues to fuck it all up! Until next time.