Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, there’s a whole thing where Bruce and Alfred fight Lex Luthor’s mechanical bat while said mechanical bat attempts to control Bruce’s Batjet. It’s dumb and takes up a lot of comic book real estate.

In the end, Lex Luthor broadcasts a message to Gotham that they’ve let the monsters and the freaks and the wackaloons get away with shit for far too long. He has taken over the military. It’s martial law, baby!

Things are getting “good”. I “look forward” to more. Pfft, yeah right, man. I’m in no mood for Batman today. Especially when things are Confidential. It’s like, you know… just tell me. Why keep anything such a secret?

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [June, 2007]
Written by: Andy Diggle
“Rules of Engagement (Part 5)”

“AREA ONE IS UNDER ATTACK! ALL UNITS ENGAGE!”

Lex’ robot army battens down the hatches. Then they start shooting a real army with the green military helmets and the enormous walkie-talkies. “General, we have to fall back! It’s a slaughterhouse out there!”

No! You just got there! Give it a little more than two minutes, Private! A commanding officer dude with a Hitler mustache wonders dopily where their reinforcements are. Well, sir, they all got killed lol. And guess what? Every army base in the country is getting all fucked up, if that makes you feel any better. And it should!

Suddenly, the hangar doors of Area One are opening. Are they surrendering? Do they want to say they’re sorry with a round of root beers and blowjobs?

Well, unless this absolutely enormous defense robot is getting its wet mouth ready, I’d say not at all!

“This is insane! We can’t fight that–!”

“This is our chance!” responds Dopey Hitler. “While those blast doors are open! If we hit them with everything we’ve got right now, we can storm the hangar and–”

“But sir, that’s suicide–!”

Heil Dopey Hitler!

SUICIDE?! SUICIDE?! I’LL SHOW YOU SUICIDE!

*shows photo of wife’s suicide*

SEE?! NOW STORM THAT HANGAR!

Some other voice on the radio tells the men to stand down. It can’t be Batman, because he doesn’t know how to hack into the army’s communications grid! It must be someone smarter like Reed Richards or Robert Downey, Jr. or Godzilla.

While their radio’s getting hacked, something approaches at Mach 4. That’s about 4 times the speed of a 1988 Buick Regal, for those of you who aren’t technically inclined.

It’s Batman. He’s in a Batjet. He’s going to Batkick everyone’s Batass. He fucking flies like an out of control eagle with Down’s syndrome into the Area One base, almost plowing into it and disintegrating into 4,000,000,000 pieces. He launches shit at the giant defense robot and keeps flying like a dingus.

“Warning! Incoming! Impact in five seconds! Evade! Evade!”

“Not yet,” Batman reacts calmly to his alarming alarm. “Not yet.”

He does something heroic and damaging and we can all go home now.

“Warning! Target lock reacquired! Countermeasures ineffective! Missiles closing! Impact in 12 seconds!”

It appears that a barrage of heat-seeking missiles are unable to be diverted by Batman’s cunning! He’s going to get blasted like a pretty 18-year-old in a bukkake video.

Then one hits the giant defense robot in the face. Bukkake-style.

Seatbelts save lives, cocksuckers.

Batman gets on his Batmotorcycle and rides the hogg right down the Batramp on his Batjet. He falls, presumably, thousands of feet on this thing while shit keeps blowing up all around him. More missiles hit the giant defense robot.

Batman lands safely on the ground, somehow, and books it while the giant defense robot crashes around him.

“Auto-destruct. Five second countdown,” he says into his dashboard. “On my mark.”

In five seconds, Batman grapples onto a beam inside this base and flies off his motorcycle. The motorcycle crashes and blows up around a bunch of robot army drones. We all celebrate bukkake-style.

“Hammer time, Bat Boy. Eat depleted uranium–!” yells an alive robot, still kicking, using terms like “hammer time” in the 21st century. This robot starts blasting its, what is it now? Depleted uranium gun? Cool.

Batman throws a batarang. It hits a switch on the robot that makes it shit out a ton of depleted uranium bullets. This is what we call “comic relief”.

Gimme a kiss!

Batman leaps onto the robot and sticks something very sharp into a port on the top of its head. “Command input updated,” it chirps. “Standing by.”

It stands by, all right. Silent and unmoving. Batman has infiltrated the base! I repeat, Batman is in the base!

Lex stands there fist clenched and looking like emaciated Stanley Tucci.

“…BATMAN IS WHAT?”

Final Thoughts

Didn’t you hear, Lex? Batman is in the base!

One more issue left of this abysmal trash, then I’m going to read Archie! Just kidding! I’m going to read Betty and Veronica.