Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #7 – “Chapter Seven: April Fools’ Day”! And I’m posting it one day late! Ha ha ha ha! APRIL FOOLS!

In the previous installment, addled by Poison Ivy’s charms and serum, Batman decides to go ahead with funding the Falcone family’s business with hundreds of millions of dollars via the Gotham Bank. In a twist, Falcone had hired Poison Ivy to do just that! Wait, I don’t think that’s actually a twist. More like a “duh”.

Who died this time? A bunch of people got shot. I think they were Maroni’s men this time because we saw him go “bwaaahhh”.

Catwoman was there too, but she’s pretty useless except for the part where she thwarted Poison Ivy. I still say she’s useless, though. She sucks and is perpetually horny, and not in a good way in either case.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #7 [June, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Seven: April Fools’ Day”

I’ve got a short one for you today. You don’t even have time to get hard while reading this. I promise you.

Oh snap, it’s Riddler time! Jim Carrey! The kid from Little Miss Sunshine! Maybe even you some day!

Batman is poring over the objects left at the various crime scenes. A pumpkin. A heart-shaped box of chocolates. A horn of plenty. A little leprechaun thing. Holidays. “Like today. April Fools’ Day.” Thanks Batman, you really know how to set it up for us.

The Riddle Man himself is in an office with a couple of shadowed motherfuckers, we don’t know who yet. He’s like “aha, oho, what a riddle!” and surmises that Holiday is Catwoman because Holiday uses a woman’s gun. “With the break-in last June, she had access to Mr. Falcone’s safe. And, therefore, the names of everyone in ‘The Roman’ Empire.” And because she has a bounty on her head, well, the best defense is a good offense. Kill the family! Bing bong so simple.

The Bat Man, in his Bat Man Cave, thinks differently. It’s Maroni. He stands the most to gain from offing the Falcones. Growing bolder with each murder. “Who else on New Year’s Eve… would shoot Falcone’s own son in the back?”

BOOO! Get off the stage!

Riddler posits that the killings are personal. “Carla Viti. Mr. Falcone’s sister.” Riddler reasons that, since Johnny Viti was supposed to testify against the family to the grand jury, a big ol’ death was in the cards anyway! “Did Carla Viti do the unthinkable? Did the mother kill her only son just to hide her identity? Now her own guilt masks her rage. She is free to attack anyone since no one will suspect her.” She could have killed Alberto, too! My, my, this really is a pickle.

Batman stares at a pumpkin until Alfred approaches to let him know that he overlooked one person entirely. Batman thinks it’s Julian Day the Calendar Man, but Alfred whacks Batman with a newspaper and says “No! Bad!”

Alfred merely tells him that he has seen someone as sane as Batman himself… behave in the most surprising ways…

HARVEY DUNT. I mean, Dent.

“Captain Gordon told me how he showed up late on New Year’s Eve. On Christmas, he could have followed the Joker from his home and killed Milos, The Roman’s bodyguard. He left Wayne Manor on Valentine’s Day with plenty of time to confront Maroni’s men at the restaurant.”

It’s in the bag, Jack. Let’s bring this fucker to justice. Batman pulls out his comically tiny gun and strikes a menacing pose!

Oh, ok, well thanks for wasting my time, asshole.

Dent and Gordon are in the former’s office looking over some files in some rather professional-looking manila envelopes. If Bruce Wayne is helping the Roman, then justice will be served! In the meantime, how about a game of Yahtzee? My treat!

It is revealed that the Riddler is in Carmine Falcone’s office with his daughter, Sofia, standing behind his chair. “Mister Nigma,” Carmine says to a rather Matthew Lesko-looking dingus. “I was told there was no riddle you could not solve. And yet, you have only put together one guess after another. With no more certainty of one than the other.”

Riddler gulps as Sofia takes off his hat and starts crushing his head between her hands. “If your life depended on it – and it does –” Carmine says as Riddler’s nose starts bleeding. “Tell me. Who is Holiday?”

Riddler responds that it’s you, sir. Carmine Falcone is Holiday! How about that for a twist! Carmine starts laughing and tells his daughter to throw this guy out the side exit, into a wood chipper if you have one. A dumpster if you don’t, I suppose. Whatever’s easier.

Outside in the alley… and assailant approaches Riddler with a gun… fires… and misses. On purpose. Riddler’s figure is outlined with bullets.

When it’s ajar. Hehehehe!! Uh wait what um

Final Thoughts

Riddle Me This, Question Marks Man: Is the not-really-getting-shot-at the TRUE April Fool??? Like “April Fools, you’re not dead!” Really makes you think.