Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #614 – “Chapter 7: The Joke”! In the previous installment Bruce’s wonderfully dull evening at the opera is interrupted by that damnable jester Harley Quinn! And not only is it interrupted, but bullets start flying. Seems a little too off the deep end even for Quinn, right? Something sardine-y is going on here.

But that’s not the best part! Thomas Elliot gets shot in the chest by the Joker! The Joker! I can’t wait to see what’s up that guy’s sleeve. He always makes me laugh! HA HAAAA!!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #614 [June, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 7: The Joke”

As usual, per the cover art, Joker looks gross and I don’t want to fuck him.

Batman has known Joker longer than any other Gotham villain. They go waaaaay back; back when they were both pooping in their diapers. And that was just a year ago! Batman is still peeved that the Joker shot Barbara Gordon and left her for dead, that really ruffled his feathers. “Deemed ‘insane’ by the courts, he never went to jail for the crime.”

Little is known about the Joker’s origin, and he likes to keep it that way, for real. And while Batman is remembering all this helpful information for us, the readers, he is pummeling the shit out of Joker’s face to the point where Joker is begging him to stop.

Joker killed Jim Gordon’s ex-wife. Joker beat Jason Todd to death. And now he killed Thomas Elliot! That’s the last straw! *pummel*

“Stop…. stop… stop…” he says. But Batman will never stop.

Not until the artists run out of red ink for the comic book.

Get ready to poop out all your teeth, you green-haired ninny!

“Batman… I… I… I’m innocent,” Joker gurgles, rictus smile, bulging eyes, handsome…uh…makeup. “Ya see… I didn’t kill this guy.”

Harley Quinn emerges behind Batman with an oversized novelty hammer, hissing at Joker to be quiet. Batman is too distracted to notice… until the last second, when Batman ducks and Quinn smashes Joker’s arm instead. Whoops!

Quinn is about to start beating up Batman for questioning Joker’s innocence for even a fraction of an iota. But Joker insists that Batman check his gun – nothing but blanks! Batman doesn’t care! He pushes Joker up against the wall by his spindly little clown neck. He thinks of Batgirl, how she used to love and laugh and now she’s holed up in her apartment playing stinky Oracle.

All because of this one asshole. Mr. Jokes himself. “And I tell myself that Barbara would understand what I have to do tonight.”

Batman is just about to break out the brass knuckles when Catwoman wraps her cat-o’-nine-tails around Batman’s neck. “I don’t want to fight you,” she says. “I’ll do what I have to do to keep you from doing something you’ll only regret.” But Batman thinks he won’t regret nuthin’. He wants to force-feed the Joker black bean chili until his gut explodes.

Catwoman persists because she knows, if the roles were reversed, that Batman would butt his way in and try to stop it.

Now Batman thinks about Jason Todd and his puny little bashed-in face. He should never let him be Robin. Dick Grayson has skills. Jason Todd had anger issues, and that’s really it. Not enough of what it took to be Robin. And for that, Batman bears responsibility for Todd’s death. Good riddance is what I say!

Batman stops Catwoman by punching the absolute fucking shit out of her very injured shoulder.

A man after my own heart!

The pain is so intense that Catwoman is rendered unconscious and/or completely dead, it’s hard to say. But one thing is for sure: Batman doesn’t want Catwoman to be his next victim. If that happens, where is Bruce going to get some PUSSY?? PUN INTENDED!!! *rimshot*

The distraction has led to Joker running away down the alley hootin’ and screamin’. But he doesn’t get away. “There is nothing I can do to him that would cause him the agony that he has brought upon others,” Batman says as he unzips his pants and lubes up his dick. “But I can come close.”

While Batman fantasizes about how he’s going to murder Joker, someone from behind starts firing a gun yelling stuff like “STAND UP AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!”

“I may no longer carry a badge, but I still believe in the policeman’s oath to protect and serve. All I can do is appeal to you through our friendship. I wouldn’t let you do this when he shot my daughter… killed my wife. I don’t know how I could stop you, but I won’t let you throw your life away.”

This fucking guy? He doesn’t understand shit.

After some tough talk about how Batman is not a killer and never will be, and if he will be then he will be brought to justice, yada yada yada, Batman stands up and all but puts his head on Jim Gordon’s shoulder.

Yeah? Would an innocent guy be bleeding all over the wet pavement? Didn’t think so.

“It was from an alley like this one that a man with a gun emerged from the darkness and murdered my mother and father. In that single moment, my childhood ended. I made a promise on the grave of my parents that I would rid this city of the evil that took their lives. Tonight… I nearly became part of that evil…”

Somewhere, in the far off distance, a man flips a coin in his hand…

Final Thoughts

Batman is such a pussy, dude. Why wouldn’t he kill Joker? Everyone could pretend a bus hit him or something. Pretty clean and cut and dry to me, in my opinion. No more Joker. Bye bye. So simple.

Ugh.