Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #617 – “Chapter 10: The Grave”! In the previous installment, Batman catches up with Ra’s al Ghul and has a less-than-friendly swordfight. Batman had kidnapped Talia Head, but Ra’s al Ghul hired Lady Shiva to un-kidnap her and do you know what she did? She kicked Catwoman’s ass within an inch of one of her nine lives, is what she did! I say, good for her!

We’re ten chapters into the story and we still don’t know nuthin’. A chapter called “The Grave” is probably going to involve a lot of tears over murdered parents. Ho hum Where the hell’s my Alfred special issue at, by the way???

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #617 [September, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 10: The Grave”

Batman has invited Catwoman into his cozy cave (butthole) to help with the investigation. And also to include her in his life, because if he’s going to have a little squeeze he may as well spend some time with her outside of the, you know, sexy sex times.

“What if everything that’s happened in the past few months – Poison Ivy’s taking control of you – Killer Croc’s subsequent attack – the fights with Superman, Harley Quinn, the Joker – Tommy Elliot’s death – all had been orchestrated?” Batman posits. Catwoman goes along with this and asks him who’s doing it and why, which are stupid questions indeed. Help with the investigation and stop asking stupid questions!

Catwoman suddenly hears something behind her with her Catty-Sense and does some backflips toward a possible assailant… oh, never mind, it’s the pipsqueak Robin. Catwoman grabs him by the scruff, but then Robin punches her in the face. Can’t we all just get along? I implore you.

While the fracas occurs, Batman wonders if him hooking up with Catwoman was also an orchestrated move. A distraction. A lovely, blowjob-filled distraction.

Robin doesn’t like Catwoman, obviously. He thinks she’s distracting Batman like the distraction that she is! WAP! TKUSH! WHP! Batman gets tired of it and steps between them, stopping the fight.

No one tells Catwoman to calm down, but Batman tells her to calm down and she calms down. Narratingly, Batman muses about Tim Drake and how he had studied Batman as a little, nerdy boy.

“Robin, she’s my guest,” Batman says, slapping the lad with a handful of poop.

“SHE CAN’T BE TRUSTED,” Robin responds. Someone get this kid some Lunchables.

Once Tim Drake figured out that Batman and Bruce Wayne were one and the same, Batman had no real choice other than to let him into his world. He also knew that Dick Grayson was the first Robin. Also, he knew how to tie his shoes. He knew a lot of things.

Batman unmasks himself to Robin’s complete fucking surprise. “You told her…?” he whispers while Catwoman smiles smugly. Robin calls Bruce a goddamned idiot for doing this. “This was my decision,” says a stern-faced, chiseled-jawed Bruce.

Do we need to go on Maury to settle this one, kiddo?

Robin lunges at Catwoman again, but she stops him cold. “You come at me one more time, little bird, and I’ll clip your wings,” she says smarmily. Then she grabs one of Batman’s 7,000 motorcycles and putters on out of there. “When you’re through with your Toy Wonder, you know how to find me.”

Batman and Robin just stare after her. Then Robin smiles. “Do you think she bought it?” Ooooooh , very crafty, youngin’! What a stupid farce with no payoff.

“I had told Tim about my decision to include Selina in my life… if for no other reason than I knew Dick would tell him and Tim should hear it from me. He was angry. Confused. And I had to remember how young he is and how long ago it was since I was his age.” Dude, whatever, Tim Drake is like 37.

Through the mean streets of Gotham, the Huntress cuts Catwoman off on her own motorcycle. Catwoman takes this hella personally and starts chasing her down. “Lady, you picked the wrong night to play games with me…”

Batman thinks that the person involved with all the chicanery is someone who might know that Batman is Bruce Wayne. And this is a dangerous thing to know! Which is why it was important to trust Selina Kyle with this revelation, but now he wonders if he made a mistake. You know, like a short-sighted dummy.

Huntress starts jibber-jabbering about taking the money from a guy who was clean, but not knowing that his murder would cause everything to unravel. Catwoman, like me, doesn’t know what the HELL she’s talking about. But Huntress keeps talking like everything makes sense. She saved “his” life. And no one is going to take that away from her! Also, she’s not afraid of Catwoman! Also–

“Are you… on something?” Catwoman asks.

“It’s going to get worse before it gets better!” Huntress responds befuddlingly.

They fight. Catwoman wonders why Huntress doesn’t seem to recognize her. Huntress keeps spouting nonsense.

Batman and Robin watch the fight from a rooftop. Batman seems to know what’s going on with the Huntress, and that she’s going to make Catwoman kill her! (?) He needs to stop it!

Yeah, and? This sounds like a her problem, my good man.

Batman tells Robin to keep a look out while he jumps down to get involved. Immediately, a man whose head is covered in bandages sneaks up behind Robin and gives the kid a faceful of fuck-you fist.

“Huntress’ movements. Her speech patterns. Her obvious fear that someone is haunting her. Only one person could have affected her mind in that way.”

Ah yes, Mr. Scarecrow. He appears suddenly riding Huntress’ motorcycle, singing “Hush Little Baby, Don’t Say a Word”. This asshole is using his patented fear toxin to infiltrate Huntress’ mind and make her afraid of things like Catwoman and bunnies. And Batman knows now that the orchestration is all true. This was all set up to bring him here.

Batman punches the Scarecrow, which is ineffective as the dickens. Scarecrow plucks some straw off his person, cracks it open, and blows green fear gas into Batman’s ugly mug. “GAH!” he screams, thoroughly gassed.

The fight continues in a graveyard – a graveyard that Batman wants to keep secret. “No one should know… who is buried here,” he says, gasping for air. Then he rips off Scarecrow’s mask, revealing Dr. Jonathan Crane. “WHY?” Batman asked, getting in the guy’s face. “You did the profile work. Used your expertise as a psychiatrist to exploit what they all wanted. The Joker. Harley Quinn. Poison Ivy. Killer Croc. Huntress. Catwoman. ME.”

Crane is completely scared and confused, wondering why the fear gas didn’t actually do anything to Batman other than make him cough. The 18th punch across the face happens when Batman bloodies Crane’s pretty mouth.

And while all this is happening, Robin’s bandaged assailant drags the kid over the the graveyard. “You care about this… imposter… pretender?” he addresses Batman. And after asking nicely to let the boy go, Batman asks if they know each other.

Yes, they do. The bandages come off. It’s Jason Todd, the second Robin. He’s been dead for years. He knows all of Batman’s secrets. And he’s full of rage and piss and vinegar.

But why???

Who cares.

Final Thoughts

This Batman is the best detective in the room! Who else would have determined that fear gas was being dispensed by Scarecrow, the guy who uses fear gas?? Where’s your fancy oversized magnifying glass, detective?? You’ve earned it!