Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “I Am Gotham (Part 1)”! In the standalone Batman: Rebirth issue, Batman blows up a machine that makes the seasons change every day and unleashes poisonous spores all over Gotham. It is said twice that these spores could kill the whole city, but it was unclear to me how and why. It was all the work of Calendar Man, who has Roman numerals tattooed around the circumference of his fat, bald head. Do I smell another tattoo idea for myself…??

So that was dumb. And based on the title of this storyline, I’m expect six issues of “WAAAHH, THIS IS MY CITY, NOT YOURS” bullshit from Gotham’s whiniest superhero. Go grieve over your dead parents about it, whiner.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [August, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 1)”

Fuck, who are these dorks on the cover? Is Batman going to team up with jerks I don’t know? That’s strike one already, pal.

A kid stares wistfully out of the window of an airplane as it descends toward the Gotham airport. We’ll back to him in 100 issues.

While the plane lands, Gordon and Batman are chatting it up atop Police HQ. The Batsignal is blaring in the sky with its 1,000,0000,000 lumens. Gordon briefs Batman on the “insanely classified” raid on Fort Marshall. Only Gordon and the Secretary of Defense knows about it. And now the weirdo in tights knows about it, much to Gordon’s chagrin.

“Culprits got three surface-to-air missiles. Two of which my boys stumbled on a raid on a Kobra cell an hour ago. They chased down a fellow running with the third… but lost him somewhere in the Narrows.” Gordon is beside himself that some nut is running around HIS city with a missile.

Speak of the devil, the missile has been launched! It hits the tail section of the airplane right above Batman’s and Gordon’s heads. Batman immediately skedaddles and telephones Alfred using whiz-o-matic crotch radio system. Alfred is already on top of things! The plane’s vertical stabilizer rear rudder are severely damaged, as is the hydraulic system! Alfred is writing the Wikipedia page about it as we speak! The plane will land near the base of Kane Plaza in Gotham Square in six minutes. That’s a buttload of people about to die, son. Got a plan?

Yeah, Batman always has a plan: contact the Justice League and let them deal with it. Heh heh heh… what’s that Alfred?… Batman’s in the Justice League?? Aw, hell.

Batman also instructs Alfred to call up his new sidekick Duke Thomas for him. Alfred patches him through, and the kid is ready to help!

90 degrees, bitch.

Duke pulls up info on the CSI Batcave Computer and gives Batman the skinny: “If you go out at 122 mph, 1.2 seconds after, with a left tilt of thirty-seven degrees and a forward roll of… I guess thirteen degrees?”

Whatever, this all sounds like bullshit to me. But Batman buys it hook, line, and wiggly worms. He just needs to jump in 53 seconds. Let’s see how this all plays out.

52 seconds later, Alfred rudely interrupts via intercom. Most of the Justice League has their out-of-office automatic replies on. “Understood. Reply. Let them know we’re fine. This is MY city. I’ll save it.”

Batman ejects his chair from the Batmobile and launches upward about a million feet. Gordon is frantically driving in circles. Batman radios Gordon to advise him to get emergency crews to the Gulf of Blackgate even though it’s supposed to land in Gotham Square in… *checks Mickey Mouse watch* …three minutes! Aaaaahhhh!!

“Commissioner, listen,” Batman says with the stoicism of someone who didn’t just launch out their car into the path of a doomed, burning plane. “I’m going to push it into the water.”

Ha, with what? Your dick?

Next thing we know, Batman is being a total idiot.

Hey, remember that old George Carlin joke? ”’Get on the plane, get on the plane!’ Fuck you, I’m getting IN the plane!”

“Oh, of course,” Gordon says while making a hilarious Jon Arbuckle face. “You’re on the plane.”

The passengers of the flight seem awfully calm, except for one guy who’s tweaking the fuck out. “This is Gotham!” he raves. “Gotham’s killing us! Any other damn city – Superman or Lantern, whoever — somebody’d be flying to catch us. But no! We’re in Gotham! Who’s going to catch you in Gotham?!”

While the dude continues ranting, the kid from earlier continues looking out the window. He is surprised to see a gremlin on the side of the plane! And that gremlin’s name is Batman! What a twist.

The plane is going to 9/11 the skyline in about two minutes. Batman gets some more info from Alfred and it’s not looking good. “At this point, with the damage to the vertical stabilizer, even if you stop the plane’s descent you will hit one of the middle floors!” Alfred says of the plane’s trajectory toward the plaza.

So what does Batman do? Batman decides to get back on top of the plane and help Alfred guide it for him. Because, apparently, Alfred can control burning airplanes from the comfort of Wayne Manor. “What was once a just a 747 commercial jetliner… is now… the new Batplane,” Alfred says dramatically as the new Batplane is four inches from the nearest building, give or take.

With Batman’s help on trigonometry and angles, Alfred guides the plane between buildings by rotating it eight-two degrees starboard. Alfred chimes in with another problem: in order to hit the gulf at the correct angle, Batman must stay on the airplane and be exposed to the full force of the collision. Impossible to survive. Ker-splat. You dig?

The plane has threaded the needle through downtown and is now in a clearing by the water. Some mean, bad guy on a roof somewhere watches as Batman does his thing. “Observe the clock, Batman,” he says mysteriously.

Batman gives Alfred some final will and testament shit. Let Duke Thomas know that he can continue his education with Dick “Poopypants” Grayson. And distribute his prepared messages to “the boys”, whatever the fuck that means. Other than that, go nuts.

Batman then asks Alfred if his parents would have been proud. Alfred lies and says of course they would.

Thanks, Alfred. Very comforting.

When it seems like all is lost and there’s no going back, the plane hits the gulf gently and everything is fucking fine.

Then Batman looks up and sees the two douchebags from the front cover floating above him.

“Batman, it is an honor and a pleasure,” says the man. “Please, allow me to introduce myself. I am Gotham. She is Gotham Girl. This is our city. We are here to save it.”

Let the pissing contest commence.

Final Thoughts

This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.