Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “The Return of Steve Rogers, Captain America”!

I know just a tad more about Captain America than some of the other superheroes. I know he’s played in the movies by Chris Evans who is shaped like a Dorito! I know that he should be somewhere in the 1940s but he’s somehow been transported to the current day via time travel? Frozen in ice? Wormhole? I know he throws his shield.

OK, maybe I don’t know much about Captain America. And I’m not very patriotic, so I hope there’s not a lot of NATIONALIST PROPAGANDA strewn about these pages or I will LOSE MY MIND! RAWR! Just like that.

As far as I can tell, the first four issues don’t adhere to a strict linear storyline, and then there’s a three-parter. So methinks I’ll make it through the first seven issues on this one before moving on to something else for a bit. SOUND GOOD? You don’t care. Let’s just start this shitshow!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [January, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“The Return of Steve Rogers, Captain America”

The issue’s backpage features a recap, so here it is:

“For decades, he was the ultimate soldier in the war to preserve the American ideal, yet he never saw himself as anything greater than a man. And so he fought the good fight until the day he gave his life for his country. On that day, he became something greater than a man. He became an icon. Now he is back, but can even Captain America live up to the role the world has thrust upon him?”

OK, so that’s not much of a recap at all. Now he is back? Back from what, exactly? Back from his vacation in Rome? Does Captain America love America so much that he never leaves the country? Where does he vacation? Casper, Wyoming?

OK, we begin the story in Japan. Some of Japan’s culture, especially the Ginza Strip, is slowly westernizing with the inclusion of fast food restaurants and Levi’s stores. Many residents are embracing this westernization, but some…not so much.

An obnoxious novelty restaurant called “Uncle Sammy’s” has been invaded by an extremist group called Strikeforce Ukiyoe, which aims to “deliver Japan back to the Japanese on a river of blood”. One guy has a semi-automatic weapon aimed at some poor waitress’ temple. She’s garbed in all sorts of stupid USA shit: Uncle Sam hat, flag earrings, cowboy boots. Only red, white, and blue colors. She looks like your average Trump supporter at a rally! “…all that we have achieved will be but a memory…unless we take decisive action to purify our land! Unless we make a brutal example of those sorry fools who celebrate westernization!” yells Mr. Japanese Fascist Guy.

The arrangement of these three colors on this piece of cloth offends my sensibilities! Eat flame!

Before one of them can burn the oh-so-sacred American flag, a goddamned red, white, and blue round shield with a star in the middle clobbers this guy in the face. The shield is going nuts, bouncing this way and that! It’s like it has a mind of its very own! Just cold-cocking these bad guys one by one! Incredible!

Captain America himself retrieves the torch before it can fall to the ground. He holds it triumphantly in a full-page spread like some kind of American asshole. “Don’t even think about it.” he warns. Ooooh, chills!

The guy yelling with the gun is still standing. “Stay back! This isn’t your battle” the guy stammers nervously. He’s nervous because he knows he’s going to be eating his own butt in about four seconds. Patrons of the restaurant start swarming Captain America with awe and wonder, which distracts him. He tells them all to stand aside, but it’s no use. Mr. Japanese Fascist Guy skips out of there, threatening to kill him later tonight. The patrons ask for autographs, all in disbelief about his presence. “Thought you were gone for eternity!” one tells him. Satisfied with completing his job, I GUESS, Captain America skips out as well.

I’m supposed to be a man of the people! But fuck these people, they always just get in the way!

Aha, a splash page showing a real recap!

“Steve Rogers, patriot of the second world war, denied a chance to serve his country until a unique military experiment maximized his physical structure, turning him into a super-solider. Frozen in suspended animation at war’s-end, he awoke in the modern world a man out of time…but never out of courage. He is…CAPTAIN AMERICA”

And there you go. A “recap” of his origin story. AND NOW HE’S BACK. (?)

Captain America is ultra-pissed that those fucking urchins in the restaurant blocked him from his enemy! The superhero sticks out like a sore thumb in his stupid costume among the crowded street while he looks for him. He tries to warn the police, but not only do they likely not understand his English, they start fawning over the guy as well. In Japanese, they mention to each other an event happening “tonight”, perhaps some sort of theatrical performance, and they assume that Captain America is just some nerd in a costume. Confused, the Cap’n moves on. Looking around the city and seeing all the evidence of American culture, Cap’n can understand why some people would be so mad.

More recap: Captain America doesn’t know why he’s in Tokyo in the first place. All he remembers is fighting some villain named Onslaught with the other Avengers in Central Park, which might have been yesterday. Next thing he knows, he’s next to a restaurant that’s being attacked by America-hating dudes in karate outfits with big guns! Very strange. And all his memories are quite fuzzy. He’s not even sure what day it is.

BUHHHH, DAAAHHH, BUT I’M DA REAL CAP-I-TAN.

Cap’n approaches a newspaper stand and asks the guys there if they have more info about Strikeforce Ukiyoe. The guys just laugh to themselves about the Captain’s costume. Cap’n is getting buttfrustrated! He peeks at a magazine cover, and I guess he can understand enough Japanese to finally make some sense of what’s going on. Or perhaps it’s just an image of, like, Captain America sucking off Bucky Barnes! WE THE AUDIENCE DON’T GET TO KNOW YET! We have to keep reading. What a scam!

After Captain America walks away, the Newsboys catch a news report on their TV. Members of the Avengers are announcing their victory over Onslaught, but three heroes are unaccounted for: Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America. MYSTERY! INTRIGUE! SUCKING OFF BUCKY BARNES!

Meanwhile, elsewhere, but still somewhere in Japan, some unknown individual is talking to some guy named Osamu about their greatest influence: Masao Hashikura, a writer who fucking hated western culture so much that he assembled his own army called the Haru Society. The army constituted a piddly five members. The Haru Society once held a rally at the Tokyo Military HQ and Hashikura gave a rousing post-WWII anti-westernization speech! And then they, and the entire audience, committed protest suicide! “What a beautiful story.” says the unknown individual who still hasn’t been shown on-panel yet as he’s probably some snot-nosed weeaboo.

Ahh, it’s some demon woman thing! Lady Deathstrike. An ancient spirit possessed her, and now her only goal is to preserve Japanese culture come hell or high water! A footnote tells me I need to go read Wolverine, Issue #114 for the full story on that, but I’m not going to fucking do that! I can’t believe this is the first time in over 50 comic books that I was directed to read some other series for context. It will certainly not be the last from what I’ve heard.

Deathstrike also remembers that, at Hashikura’s rally, one individual did not kill himself with honor! And that man’s name was…*points to Osamu*…Rick Moranis!

I mean, Osamu.

If creating my terrorist organization isn’t a good enough apology for you, then NOTHING will be a good enough apology for you!

Osamu is simply SHOCKED at this accusation! Osamu was one of the guys trying to gun down Uncle Sammy’s, by the way. He starts gibbering, blithering, blubbering, flubbering, and snubbering, saying that he has been filled with great shame since that day. Just full to the brim with all that shame, ma’am. That’s why I, Osamu bin Laden, created a terrorist organization! To atone! I swear it on my complete lack of honor! But then, grrrrr, then that piece of shit Captain Stinkypants America had to show up! Grrrr, am I right?

Deathstrike doesn’t believe him. Captain Crunch is supposed to be dead or something! And Strikeforce Unagi wants him dead, and even the police don’t believe he’s still alive. They think he’s just some costumed jerk walking around, which is true anyway. But the big confusion is that this whole Captain America vs. Dragonforce Ukiyoe thing is some theatrical production happening for the public’s entertainment.

Deathstrike lunges her hand at Omasu’s neck with her giant weird claw fingers and tells him to figure it the fuck out before she loses her shit. If the police think everything’s a big game, then Forcestrike Ukiyoe should be able to whack this superhero in plain sight, right? So get going! Omasu begs for Deathstrike’s help to distract Captain America on their behalf, since, admittedly, Omasu’s wacky team of wacky nationalists are no match for him. Deathstrike sees this as another Coward’s Gambit, as it were. I just made that phrase up!

*Googles “Coward’s Gambit”, sees 340 results* …well fuck.

Omasu backpedals. “No! I will not run! I will face my fear!…I am ready to make the ultimate sacrifice for the cause!” So Deathstrike tells him to put his money where his mouth is. If he becomes a martyr: cool. If he runs away again: she’ll kill him. He dies either way! What a fun dichotomy of choices. I’m looking forward to seeing how that mess will play out.

It took him all day, but Captain America found a clothing store that accepts his fistful of good ol’ genuine American dollars! No yen for this guy! Aiming to be inconspicuous, he changes into a conspicuous trench coat, becoming STEVE ROGERS! DUN-DUH-DUH-DUUUNNNNN! For the first time all day, he notices a 30-foot statue of his likeness in the middle of the crowded city square.

The Good Cap’n lets us know that, per the magazine cover, a Captain America movie was made without his knowledge. Somehow. Also, kiosks and stores everywhere are selling Captain America knick-knacks and action figures, which makes Rogers sad. And now he’s caught in the middle of this Japanese culture war just because a movie about him is premiering in Tokyo. Not only that, but a museum was knocked down to build a movie theater! HISTORY IS GETTING DESTROYED! MAKE JAPAN GREAT AGAIN!

A reporter asks Rogers his opinion of westernization as an America. Rogers says that it is quite jarring to see shit like Starbucks in Tokyo (ha!), but on the other hand, it’s not like America invaded Japan or anything. The country was willing to invite westernization. In short, he’s torn. As he walks away from the reporter, he spots Osamu ahead of him in the crowd and tells the reporter to call the police.

They put a bitterant in the cans, but that doesn’t stop me from a-huffin’!

It sounds like there’s going to be a movie theater massacre for a superhero movie, which is eerily prescient here in 1998. Members of Strikeforce Ualuealuealeuale, also in trench coats, are purchasing tickets.

The theater is packed with rabid Captain America fans! A movie about Captain America?! What a silly notion! In the back of the room, Strikeforce Umbrella Academy is preparing by locking the exits and getting their weapons and nerve gas canisters ready. However, before they can even throw so much as a stink bomb, Captain America shows up in the flesh! And he uppercuts a sucka! WOO! USA! USA! Show no mercy, you American bastard.

The fight continues right in front of the movie screen. Theatergoers are relishing the live performance! What fun!

“How dare you terrorize the country? What gives you the right to endanger innocent lives?” Captain USofA demands as he reigns blows on these bitches. “Ask her…” one says, and suddenly Deathstrike appears and attempts to claw at Captain America’s face! His fucking face! Ohh, he’s mad now!

They start fight-talkin’, but, crazily enough, neither party seems to understand each other! He starts mumbling to himself about not intending to make a scene, like he didn’t fucking know what would happen when he leaped out in costume and started punching people. The theatergoers start realizing that none of this is an act, and they start panicking. Like this: AAHHHHHH! WAAAAAHHH!!! Like that.

Captain America has a dumb plan. He’s going to try to trick Deathstrike into slashing the chains on the exit doors with her super cutty fingers! She picks up on this plan right away, though, because it was a dumb plan. She wags a long, sharp finger at him as if she were scolding a giant man-child.

How many more years have you gonna wreck my life…

It seems, though, that she was tricked into cutting off most of the gas canister relays. Two are left. Omasu nervously tries to work fast. The movie narrates the live fight, isn’t that amusing? “Very well, Captain, I surrender…” Deathstrike begins “…only when I am beyond the grave!” Psych! Innocents in the movie theater cry out in fear!

All right, this is taking forever. They keep fighting. The movie announces that Captain America disappeared after the fight with Onslaught “late last year”, which distracts Cap’n long enough for Deathstrike to kick him right in the head. Osamu has his finger on the nerve gas release button; if he dies and removes his finger, it’s Gas City! So now what?

Go to hell, flag fucker.

So now Captain America tries reasoning with these maniacs. “You say you revere your cultural heritage, and yet you speak English fluently” he yells at Omasu. Captain America says that Omasu claims to possess the kamikaze spirit, but his experience shows that real warriors have the fire in their eyes. Omasu has no fire. Osamu stammers and gibbers again at this. Captain America makes his way up to the scaffolds in the theater to where Osamu is standing. Osamu gets on his knees, admitting that he does not have the strength to fight and die for his cause.

In the aftermath, Captain America talks to the press. Everyone was saved, and Deathstrike had mysteriously vanished. The reporter says that now Captain America has been elevated from hero to idol. “What impact will this have on the man behind the mask?” he says as Captain America stares at the huge statue of him, slightly unnerved.

In Istanbul, a news report that Captain America is alive in Japan completely irritates a woman named Renny. She’s kicking a group of asses in a restaurant. She seems like a bad person! We’ll see.

In Wisconsin, some villain in a green and purple suit with a shiny blue mask named Kang the Conqueror has a chilling surprise planned for the newly revived hero.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, I know, this was a particularly long write-up. But hey, this was a particularly long issue! Over 50 pages! You gotta do your due diligence.

Steve Rogers seems like a man devoid of a personality higher than one dimension! Let’s hope this changes, I don’t need a guy all about America just because it’s America! I already see enough of that in my day-to-day.

Sayonara!