Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “Capmania”

* Part 4 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “Capmania”! In the previous installment, Hydra took over the Smithsonian in order to lure Captain America there so they can try to kill him. It worked. Not the killing Captain America part, unfortunately that didn’t work.

Afterward, Captain America declares war on Hydra and will not rest until Hydra has been thoroughly warred out.

At Hydra Headquarters, where the new head of the Hydra is some Joker-type looney, it is requested to bring in Batroc. Whoever that is.

Yeah. Exciting.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [April, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Capmania”

We open with a full-page spread in New York City, where Captain America is fighting a Hydra Guy at the NBC building at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Wait, I’m sorry, it’s actually the “HBC” building. It has a peacock symbol and everything, though, so we await the inevitable lawsuit.

Hydra Guy threw a nerve gas can off the building. Captain America leaps off the building to try to catch it. He does grab it mid-air, and he’s about three inches from the ground before someone shoots an arrow with a rope tied to it at the building. Cap’n grabs onto it and returns safely to street level.

The guy with the bow and arrow is! … uh

Well, he’s purple. Ah, Hawkeye! Jeremy Renner. Certainly. Hawkeye captured the Hydra Guy in a net while Cap’n was plummeting for fun off of a skyscraper. That’s the end of that, move along people, nothing to see here!

Oh wait, yes there is. The superheroes. Like usual, Captain America gets swarmed with lookie-loos. Hawkeye, much to his displeasure, gets completely ignored. A man named Andrew Bolt pushes his way up to shake Cap’n’s hand; he’s running for congress! He needs Captain America’s endorsement. However, always the man with integrity, Captain America declines and does cartwheels while telling Bolt that democracy will decide whether or not he’s the man for the job. USA! USA!

Back at the lovely Avenger’s Playboy Mansion, Captain America has had ENOUGH of the American people! All the constant accolades and love and attention! FUCK them! FUCK THEM!

Clint Barton, aka Bart Clinton, aka Hawkeye, aka Eyehawk, aka Ethan Hawke, says “You came back from the dead after Onslaught, you saved the country from Hydra terrorists, declared war on ‘em to boot…”. Honestly, Hawkeye wishes he could get a fraction of this public scrutiny from the average joe dumbass American! “They’ll make you an honorary Spice Girl!” Hawkeye says, forgetting that they’re from England I guess.

Yeah, stop wearing the really bright costume, douchebag.

When Captain America whines that he can’t figure out how to stop getting mobbed every time he leaves the dang house, Hawkeye takes Cap’n’s mask off and tells him to stop walking around in costume all the time, dingus.

They grab some fast food. Steve Rogers’ speech bubbles are greatly obscuring the restaurant name, but it looks to me like it’s “McDOGAL’s”. Captain America gets the kid’s meal, which comes with a Captain America action figure! He groans. “Captain America isn’t a business venture.” he proclaims. But, every business on the block is peddling his name and likeness. “Captain America should be a symbol of the people…not of the dollar.”

It’s like, go back to 1921 or wherever you’re from. This is the America you live in now, bitch.

Clint is eating this up, though. Personally, if a close friend of mine were this famous I’d do nothing but make fun of him for it constantly. Hawkeye runs into a store and buys a Captain America helmet complete with little wings!

Out on the street, a news crew is filming testimonials from civilians whose lives were blessed by Cap’n’s altruistic Red-White-and-Blue golden touch. Clint is dying to get in front of the camera himself, but Cap’n threatened SWIFT DEATH if he spends even one millisecond in front of it!

“Y’know, he invented Snapple! Not many people know that! Oh, and he toured with Fleetwood Mac! Played bass!” Clint’s antics are making Steve Rogers frown so hard. This miserable motherfucker doesn’t even know how to laugh at himself. Captain America sucks, I’m a Hawkeye guy all the way.

I once saw Captain America derail a train full of bombs and then throw the train full of bombs into outer space where it blew up the Bomb Train Dispatch Satellite!

We cut to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters now. Sharon Carter, aka Karen Sharter, aka Agent 13, is pulling up (the currently deceased?) Nick Fury’s file. Fury had fired Carter while he was in charge, and she will not REST until she finds out why. But she finds something else within four seconds: “Huh? This one’s filed after Nick’s burial at Arlington! A top-secret, eyes only transport order relocating his corpse…to the CRYONICS UNIT…?

”FOR MORE, CHECK OUT THE FURY/AGENT 13 LIMITED SERIES–ON SALE SOON!”

Bah! Stop advertising other comics within my comics. So that’s it for Agent 13 for now, I guess. Sounds like Nick Fury’s not dead ha lol

Clint stands by all his antics and tells Steve to lighten the fuck up. “The world’s watchin’ ya, Cap! Give ‘em your best! See ya later!” and then he leaves with his Captain America giant foam finger.

But Steve is unhappy. Now there’s a lot of pressure on him to perform, to give people answers he doesn’t know, and all this other insecure piffle. After all, the planet still survived during his absence. Who needs him, anyway?

But no, he takes the opposite approach. He needs to be more proactive and less reactive! Especially if he wants to maintain relevance in the new millennium (and trust me, the whole world will certainly keep their eyes on America in the new millennium, Cap, so don’t worry about that).

Steve sees a group of people running toward Rockefeller Center, hollerin’ about some guy named Batroc looking to pick a fight with the Masked USA Douchebag. And, indeed, Batroc is there in his purple spandex like a WWE wrestler hamming it up for TV cameras. He’s holding two guys by the front of their shirts, threatening to start snapping necks if Captain America doesn’t show up RIGHT. THIS. INSTANT. Oh, there he is. He blindsides Batroc with a punch. Came out of fuckin’ nowhere. “FTHWAM”. That’s the punch.

Captain learns right away that Batroc was hired by Hydra. Captain thought Batroc was reformed. Batroc thought Captain was dead. Looks like both were wrong. “Prepare yourself for a Batroc unlike ze one you have known before…” he says. Oh yeah, Batroc is French or something too.

At Hydra headquarters, the group is watching this scene unfold on a TV screen somehow. One of the Hydra Grunts asks the Sensational One if this is really a good idea, and the Sensational One claims that he knows what he’s doing as he jerks off with a grapefruit. Probably.

A couple of buff dudes are sunbathing on a beach on a remote island. They talk openly about the Red Skull being gone for months. Everyone on this island is still being paid to housesit the Red Skull’s base, but how much longer could it possibly last? One guy says he’s never coming back. The other guy says he could show up any time. COINCIDENTALLY, at the VERY. EXACT. MOMENT…some shadow thing shows up to terrorize the both of them. There’s also a red skeleton emitting red…perfume? I’m sure the artist was going for something here, hopefully he knows what he’s doing.

One guy yells “HE’S BAAAAAAAACK” as the shadow pulls him under the sand. I think?

Yeah, pay no mind to the dumb shit happening in this scene. I won’t.

…Okaaaay! Back to Batrock. Captain America doesn’t want to fight this buffoon. It would be an act of buffoonery! Batroc calls him a coward. Cap’n says he’s in no mood for a grudge match right now and storms off. His fans are dissatisfied! One guy even calls him yellow! YELLOW! IN 1998 HE CALLS HIM YELLOW! Another guy says “It’s…it’s some secret plan, I betcha! Cap would never back down…would he?

It doesn’t matter, because I’m Hawkeye! I don’t need to do my work, ’cause someone else will do it for me! D’oh! D’oh! D’oh!

Batroc is dumb. Instead of just letting all these dumbass regular folk start disliking him, he gets offended and leaps at him. “YOU DISMISS ME?” he yells. However, mid-leap he gets an arrow right in the gut, which sends him flying onto the skating rink at Rockefeller Center. Hawkeye sees his chance to steal the spotlight.

So, looks like Hawkeye is even dumber than Batroc. Captain America seems like a dumb guy anyway, and here are two guys that are fighting for the crown. The King Dumb Crown. For dummies.

Captain America has to remind Hawkeye the Dumb Guy that he can’t manuever very well on ice, which Hawkeye literally says “D’OH!” to. But, resilient as he is, Hawkeye skids around and tries to fill Batroc full of arrows. No dice! Batroc’s fast now! Perhaps he was slow before, but now he is quite fleet of foot! The New and Better Batrock! Bedrock? Bartok? Batroc.

He’s also more agile, too! Watch! *punch* That was a fist to Hawkeye’s face, son! He didn’t even see it coming! Ha!

“Take your hands off my friend!” Captain Goody Two-Shoes exclaims, jumping into the fray. Now HE punches Batroc in HIS face. And the crowd goes wild! Hoooooweeeeee!! Hyuck hyuck!

I’m tired of all the goddamned hicks.

Captain isn’t too fond of the ice either, but since he’s the big great motherfucking superhero he’s going to be successful during these last few pages so why even bother? HUH?

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! I never get tired of that.

Captain holds up his Smithsonian replica shield, which Batroc notices. He, too, has a new weapon. BEHOLD! THE WHIP-CANE! It’s a cane that whips around really fast. “The Whip-Cane, when wielded properly, can kill a man in three strokes. Begin counting.” Batroc says as his spins the thing in his hand like a…well, like a whip-cane, I guess.

Looks like General USA has met his match. This Batroc fellow is pretty dang good! But wait, during the fight he tells Major United States that Hydra paid him to “take ze fall”, but he refuses to “dishonor so worthy an opponent!” So, instead, he’ll fight to win.

Admiral AmeriKKKa is taken aback by this, and asks WHY Hydra paid him to lose. Batroc admits that he doesn’t know either, but his hunch is that, after spending a lot of time deep in thought, puzzling it out, it’s “because they are fools!” And he tries to smack him with the ol’ whip-cane!

Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!

Captain’s mad now. The fact that Hydra is just playing a game with their lives is infuriating. It lights a fire under his ass, and now he’s really letting Batroc have it. “Thataboy, Cap! Beat the crepe out of him!” Hawkeye cheers him on while I groan audibly.

“Perhaps you are at the disadvantage, Capitan! This new shield of yours is no aid.”
“Shut up, Batroc.”

Finally, Captain doesn’t mince words. He then puts the shield on his foot and kicks him in the face.

Batroc decides that he’s done now. “We will meet again. Until that time…adieu!” And he leaves.

lol

Hawkeye spots an easy target as Batroc hobbles away, but America Man insists that they need to let him go. “Are you nuts? I said the fight’s over.” he tells Hawkeye as he draws an arrow. Hawkeye holds back and laughs to himself. Still a victory!

Captain America says it was a waste of fucking time. He wasn’t defending the country or protecting innocent people. He was fighting some piece of shit showboat who was showboating around in his big ol’ boat that he wanted to show off! “It was a wrestling match with just as little at stake.” Finally, he says something smart.

Hawkeye, on the other hand, completely disagrees. There was plenty at stake: the faith of the American people. “Stupid fights come with the costume, you know that by now.” He says it inspires hope and courage. “People need that kinda claptrap today more than ever, Cap.”

Captain America is still apprehensive, but the throng of cheering fans finally puts a slight smile on the ol’ wet blanket’s face.

Personally, I think rallying the American people is stupid. Fuck them. And I’m one of them! Fuck me!

Hydra HQ has cameras everywhere, because they’re watching Captain America’s impromptu parade with befuddled interest. They ask their Glorious Dear Leader why they paid Batroc to fail and bolster Captain America’s clout even further.

“Are you kidding me? Work with me here. Try to keep up. I want the whole world to worship Captain America. After all, the bigger they are…the harder they fall.”