Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Welcome to the Hard Way”! In the previous installment, Catwoman lands safely from her 30,000 ft fall by whipping onto a crane at a construction site mere feet from the ground, which is not only realistic but also brave! Good for her. Cats always land on their feet.

After handily subduing Reach very easily somehow, she discovers that the drug money is actually dirty cop money amounting to roughly $450,000 dollars! This means that dirty cops will be looking for it, and that’s exactly what they do. And then they find it. And Catwoman gets cornered by about 700 officers. And she is under arrest.

And we’re going to find out exactly that won’t be the case, and I’m sure it’ll involve her doing a backflip into an alley.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #6 [April, 2012]
Written by: Judd Winick
“Welcome to the Hard Way”

While cops are pointing their big shooty guns at Catwoman, the police in Police HQ (for Police) are going over her record. That is to say, there is no record. Nothing on file. No prints. No juvenile delinquency. No witness protection. She ain’t nuthin’. “And she’s not giving us squat. I’d say we got ourselves a Jane Doe, but we obviously have another name for her – Catwoman.”

Yeah, we know that already. Everyone knows that, let’s try and keep up with the rest of the world you stupid fucking cops. Pieces of shit.

We find Selina tied up to a chair in a seedy interrogation room, looking feral as ever. She has no idea why the police don’t have a record. There should be a mountain of paperwork on her. She should have her own filing cabinet. But that’s a situation for another time. Now there’s the whole “stole money from cops” dealie that needs undivided attention.

The cops found $20,000 on her person and they want to rest! *slams fist on table, breaking 17 hand bones* NOW!!

Selina will tell them where the bag of money is as long as she’s allowed to go with them to get it. The cops say no and bring in Reach in order to do some real damage! Right to the face! Reach punches Selina in the face and knocks her to the floor hilariously! I believe the sound made after the fall was “WHUMF!” instead of something more common like “CRASH!” or “CLATTER!” or “FLOOR!”

This is all happening behind Detective Alvaraz’s back, the guy who thinks half his precinct is crooked and isn’t getting the time of day for his “Catwoman did everything” theories. Well, here’s the news Mr. Jones: Catwoman did everything. And she’s in the building right now getting “interrogated” so go find her.

Reach is really laying on Selina, punching and uppercutting her face in a manner that would probably kill a normal person five times over. Revenge and all that, hooting and hollering about whatever made Reach mad in the first place. “I beat the ever-loving crap out of you until you tell me what I want to hear,” she says. “WHERE’S THE MONEY?!”

Selina lies on the floor bloodied and half-dead, murmuring quietly. Reach comes closer. Selina murmurs. Reach comes closer. Selina murmurs. Reach puts her ear right to Selina’s mouth and then gets her fucking ear ripped off Mike Tyson-style.

Check your local comic book shop for more family-friendly DC action!

“HOW ABOUT NOW? YOU HEARING ME OKAY NOW?!” Selina wails while Reach is, uh, not having a good time. Selina cracks her to the floor. Reach blasts her with juicy lightning, pinning her against the wall, and tells her to shut up. “No more cute talk. No more of your bullcrap. Just be quiet. Just be quiet… and die.”

Selina’s eyes roll in the back of her head in what I assume is not at all ecstacy. She’s probably within an inch of her life before Alvaraz storms into the room and knocks Reach out with his club.

Now that Alvaraz has saved Selina against the wishes of his fellow detectives, I guess, he now needs Selina to run away before either of them gets in trouble. Bye!

“That’s a new one,” Catwoman says, motoring away on her bike. “I’ve had police offer to let me walk, but not without expecting something in return. And delivery of my ‘something’ would always precede my walk.” Yeah yeah yeah, blowjobs in exchange for freedom. We’ve all been there. Anyway, Catwoman decides to cut her losses at this point, take the money, and enjoy a nice vacation away from Gotham City. Just a nice, peaceful–

“Stop where you are,” yells a voice. “Put the money down. It’s caused you enough trouble.”

If you thought your day was ruined before, here comes this nerd.

Batman. Fucking Batman showed up, what a tool, this guy. Looking all menacing and stupid with his dumb buff muscles and his cowly scowl. “This?” Catwoman smiles coyly. “This is just laundry.”

“Put it down.”

“No.”

“You stole it.”

“No kidding. Now that’s finally a problem for you. I’m guessing you’re the one who took my prints out of every known database. You done protecting me?”

“I’m not asking you. Drop it.” Batman slaps her shoulder daintily. They start fighting a bit, but he eventually overwhelms her. He picks her put and pushes her against a wall. “Enough! THIS IS OVER!”

Selina starts crying a little bit. When asked how long she expects him to let her keeping doing this crime shit, and she responds earnestly that as long as they keep having the fucky sex times.

“No more games,” he sneers. “You’re anything but stupid. It’s beyond that. All the thefts! The fights! The idiotic risks! It’s all just leading to one unavoidable end! Is that what you want?!”

A tear streams down her cheek. “MAYBE I DO!” she yells. Maybe she does, Batman. Maybe you should leave her alone and keep letting her do this crime shit.

Let me squeeze them titties.

Catwoman drops the money and runs. Batman doesn’t chase her. She realizes that she’s fucking up and that she’s running away from her demons and her demons’ demons and that nothing in the world will stop her from facing the demons of her demons’ demons and etc.

She pops into her old friend Gwen’s apartment, admits that she’s Catwoman, and then asks her for help.

Help stealing and grifting, probably.

This woman doesn’t learn, does she?

Final Thoughts

Fuck final thoughts! Selina Kyle is missing brain cells! See you next time.