Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #1 (Legacy Issue #381) – “And a Child Shall Lead Them All”! In 1998, for the first time since Daredevil’s initial appearance in 1964 (and 380 issues later), the series was rebooted and relaunched as Issue #1…sorta. Legacy numbering was somewhat maintained, and after #119 issues of Volume 2 the series picked up where it left off at #500 in 2009. For this reason, I’ll note the Vol. 2 issue numbering and the legacy numbering for each issue. You’re goddamned welcome is what you are.

My only encounter with Daredevil in my entire life was when I barely paid attention to the 2003 Ben Affleck movie. I don’t remember anything about it except that he was blind. I don’t even fucking remember that he was a lawyer. That part is also important.

That’s all the preamble I can offer. That’s everything I know about this guy. I’m reading this series now because Matthew Murdock showed up in my readthrough of the first Alias story arc and, I figured, why the hell not? Let’s jump right in and learn more about this blind bastard!

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Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #1 (Legacy Issue #381) [November, 1998]
Written by: Kevin Smith
“And a Child Shall Lead Them All”

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. WHOA. Hold on. Kevin Smith? THAT Kevin Smith? No one warned me about this ahead of time! I hate Kevin Smith and his oversized hockey jerseys and his kicked-off-a-plane-for-being-fat fat face and his lost-700-pounds-after-a-heart-attack feeble emaciated fuckin’ face, god fucking damnit. At least it was just this eight-issue story arc, but MAN this is probably going to be a hard sell for me now. God damnit. Uggghhh.

The issue begins with a long-ass letter addressed to Matthew Murdock from some woman named Karen Page. Apparently Murdock is a man of faith (as if Kevin Smith’s involvement didn’t make me groan enough already), and Karen Page was not. Not a man of faith, that is. Not a man of anything, I would assume! “When you go to Hell, I won’t be able to rescue you” Murdock would tease her. Page tells Murdock in the letter that she took a job at a morning radio station in Los Angeles, and that their relationship has been rocky lately anyway ever since he had to, uh, clear her of murder charges? I guess in the back of his mind, Murdock thinks there’s a possibility that she’s actually guilty, and this in turn makes her feel guilty about making him feel this way even when he puts 120% into helping her at every turn. Sounds like she’s a murderer to me! Such a Karen. Total Karen move, too, to write this whole letter out knowing he can’t fucking read it.

Moving on, narration drops some New York City facts on us: there’s a child born every 8 minutes, there are 218 hospitals that can barely accommodate this rate of population growth, every maternity ward is staffed with 8 – 12 nurses at any given moment, at least twice a day these nurses ruminate about needing a lighter workload, and at 11:49pm they get their wish! A nurse enters a maternity ward, says “Oh my…God!” and then “AAAUUGGHH!” behind the closed door.

Moving on, narration drops some high school student Gwyneth facts on us: she used to hate gym class, used to blame her period on a weekly basis and sit out, used to think her low gym marks were worth it, used to think that there would be no use for running and track after high school ended anyway, but now she’s running with a baby cradled in her arms wishing she had tried harder in gym glass. The 16-year-old’s parents were killed by some unknown men, and now they are chasing her and her baby down the streets of New York in a car for some unknown reason.

Kevin Smith sure likes to talk and write.

We cut to a Catholic church where Murdock is in one of those confession booths where the priest can slip his dick through if he wants to. He confesses that his girlfriend broke up with him six months ago and he’s having a hard time lately “remembering the Lord”. While the priest blah-blah-blahs a response, Murdock uses his Spidey-Sense to pick up on hapless teenage Gwyneth’s current peril. The priest still talks as Murdock tears off his civilian clothes and rushes out into the city, ending with “all it requires is a leap of faith”.

The next thing that happens is that Daredevil punches through the windshield of the car chasing Gwyneth and her baby. As he’s grabbing the driver by the shirt, he talks about his special metal-fiber windshield-proof costume and the fact that any damage done in the city during his crime-fighting is covered by the $1,000,000,000/year insurance policy that he helped broker for the city because he feels bad about all that damage that he does in the city during his crime-fighting. Catholic guilt!

Now that his threat is neutralized, the adrenaline rush goes away. Murdock thought a trip to the ol’ church would lift the spirits, but crazily enough it didn’t! As he turns to try to find the girl, he realizes that she’s gone. Daredevil’s irked! Now he has to explain to the police why he punched through a windshield for seemingly no reason! That’s an LOL.

Later, at the Law Offices of Sharpe, Nelson and Murdock (lol again that Murdock gets third-billing at his law firm), Murdock is at his desk moping about his breakup. He grapples with the irony that a self-proclaimed “man without fear” took an hour to drum up courage to get an item from the bathroom at his apartment that was designated as “her bathroom”. He finally decides to pick up his desk phone and call an old ex, Natasha, and before he dials he’s interrupted by “Foggy” Nelson (second-billed!), who arrives in his office with a woman named Lydia McKenzie primed and ready for some good ol’ fashioned divorce proceedings! Murdock instantly uses his heightened senses to determine that McKenzie’s pulse did not increase, meaning that McKenzie will not be a prospective girlfriend. Oh well, incel!

As Murdock talks to McKenzie, he suddenly senses the same heartbeat patterns he felt earlier from Gwyneth and her baby. He leaves McKenzie talking and trailing off as he walks away from her silently like some sort of ASSHOLE. He gets outside his building and realizes that he lost the trail again.

Meanwhile, across town, the two men that were in the car chasing teenagers and babies around are getting chastised by their bald and surly boss in a nice corner office. The two men take their lumps and leave, with Mr. Boss Man now considering getting involved in whatever it is that they’re doing since a) the girl got away, and b) Daredevil has been included in this situation. As he’s contemplating his next moves, we see these two dejected men drown as the elevator they’re taking gets filled with water. Mr. Boss Man tells his assistant / lackey / muscle / lover(?), Mr. Gabriel, that he had better shape up or ship out! Straighten up a fly right! If only I knew any goddamn Kevin Smith movie references that I can pepper this commentary with. MAGIC EYE SAILBOATS! Bleh.

Later in the evening, Daredevil is Daredevilishly prancing around the night in pursuit of this elusive teenage mama. As he’s hopping around buildings in impossibly provocative poses, he laments his failed relationship. “I tried never to judge you…” he says about Karen Page, like a good judgy Christian. Now, I don’t know how Murdock went blind yet, but he mentions an “isotope” which leads me to believe that it was radiation-related? He gets all sad that his other senses are so heightened that he can never remove Karen’s scent fully from his bedsheets, or uhhh I dunno, this is Kevin Smith, right? Why didn’t he mention something gross here like her period blood?? RIGHT?? Hhahah!! As he’s looking for the teenage runaway, he gets distracted by some rapey guy in the alley that’s attempting a real rapey good time. Daredevil hits him with some nunchuck thing and then breaks his arm quickly; this whole encounter probably took four seconds. He leaves the guy on the ground in pain, the woman standing there in a bewildered pose, and doesn’t say a word. In his mind he questions the existence of God. Yeah, THAT guy. That GOD guy.

Gwyenth the Teenager is sleeping with her baby in the meatpacking district. At 3am she sees, like, 40 fuckin’ angels in the sky. She thanks the lord and goes back to sleep. For a girl who watched her parents get murdered less than 24 hours ago, she’s pretty serene. Maybe she did it! Feh.

The next morning, at the Law Offices of Snurp, Churble, and Murdock, our favorite blind lawyer is like “I DON’T WANNA DO A DIVORCE CASE” but Foggy Nelson is like “I’M BONING THE CLIENT, DUDE, JUST DO IT! ARRRGGHHH”. But seriously, Nelson tells Murdock that this one’s different, and when Murdock tries to guess why, Nelson says her husband had her sterilized. Ha! Didn’t SEE that one coming, did you Murdock, you blind piece of shit! And, apparently, he sterilized her without her knowledge! Cool, huh? So what does that mean, he built a tiny robot to enter her body and tie up her tubes? Programmed a tiny robot to all sorts of tie up those tubes, huh? Murdock says “Hearing something like that makes me wonder…where do I stand on God?” and then the audience (me) responds with “enough already about the god stuff, think about something else once in a while. damn dude, that god guy really did a fucking number on you.”

Suddenly, Murdock catches a whiff of his white whale and her, uh, little baby whale. He LEAPS into action! Nelson’s all like, sheeeeeit, you ain’t gonna go Daredevil on me right NOW are you? But Murdock’s not listening, he goes into this creepy trance every single time this happens! He pops open the office doors and there she is, standing right there, grinning wryly with a wry baby in her hands.

The girl is drawn like a 31-year-old. The baby is drawn like a 97-year-old. Murdock is just DELIGHTED, just pleased as punch, to be in the company of these two young whipper-snappers! He calls for some formula and a bottle of Yoo-Hoo and cancels all of his meetings and phone calls! As he attempts to shove Foggy Nelson out of the office, he asks Murdock if she’s a bit young for him. Murdock coyly responds with an “Out, you.” I imagine Nelson immediately calls the police at this point off-panel.

Here’s some stuff for ya: Gwyneth tells Murdock that she’s never had a fuck in her life! This baby was conceived without a father and born like Jesus Christ on the Cross himself! Her parents were murdered and she was chased, for whatever reason, all due to this immaculate conception! Murdock thinks she’s full of some dang beans! Except Gwyneth’s pulse has stayed steady and she hasn’t emitted a single pheromone the whole time she’s been in the office, so that clinches it! BABY JESUS! MOTHER MARY AND JOSEPH! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE BE TO- hold on here. Murdock asks what she wants him to do about it. Gwyneth is confused, says that about 40 fuckin’ angels showed up last night in a dream and said that Matthew Murdock himself would protect the baby. Murdock goes “uhhhhh, heh heh, well I can offer her LEGAL protection, heh.” She says the angels told her that Murdock is Daredevil. His response is BUHHH.

She quotes some bible shit at him, and he remains basically catatonic as she unloads the baby on him. “You’re in good hands, baby” she says, basically. And then really says “You’re our only hope, Mr. Murdock. You’re this world’s only hope.” Then she gets the hell out of dodge.

Final Thoughts

Immaculate conception! God! Jesus! The Devil! The DAREDevil! Something’s fishy here, ain’t it? I will say that I’m already less skeptical of this Kevin Smith run than I was when I started, so that’s something. I do like that it seems like everyone knows exactly what’s going on EXCEPT Murdock, so that’s cool and interesting and hey I already wrote an assload of words. See ya next time! Snoogins!