Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #3 – “Dr. Strange Lives (Or, How I Learned Deadpool Was Da Bomb)”! Eat your heart out, Scott Lobdell. This is a much better pun than any of the garbage you came up with. In the previous installment, Deadpool “helps” S.H.I.E.L.D. with the zombie president problem, but he’s awful at it. For example, he burned an elephant alive trying to get rid of Teddy Roosevelt.

That’s ok, though. Agent Preston escorts Deadpool to Dr. Strange’s residence. They’re gonna fight sorcery with sorcery.

Meanwhile, George Washington and JFK have bullied the necromancer into raising the entire military cemetery from the dead. A dead army, just like Game of Thrones! Without all the incest.

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #3 [February, 2013]
Written by: Brian Posehn / Gerry Duggan
“Dr. Strange Lives (Or, How I Learned Deadpool Was Da Bomb)”

Deadpool beating up Richard Milhous Nixon. You love to see it. The splash page contains another hilarious recap by Deadpool himself. “I am going to assume you just need a refresher on what was happening due to watching two weeks worth of General Hospital since the last issue came out. Carly needs to step off before she gets smacked down, amirite?… So far we’ve taken out Truman and both Roosevelts. There’s still, like… I dunno. Ten, eleven presidents to go?”

Ha, that’s the kind of joke I’d make! I like this Deadpool cat, he’s alllllll right. So, Deadpool and Agent Preston are at Casa du Strange catching the sorcerer up on all of Deadpool’s various humiliations. Ben Franklin sits there too, ignored. Strange has listened intently, and has some words to say on the matter.

“Get out.”

Doctor Strange does not want any part of this malarkey. First of all, it’s beneath him. Literally. He’s floating in the air right now. Second of all, he’s got more important matters going on right now including, but not limited to, a plugged up toilet. Preston begs him to get involved, tells him that the necromancer’s crimes fall into his, ah, “area of expertise”.

Opening his third eye and flashing the shocker with both hands, Strange is about to explain to these two why his servant, Wong, will show them the door. “I think you’ll find that even trained S.H.I.E.L.D. agents can fall for simple parlor tricks.”

Then he changes his tune immediately.

Deadpool’s making jokes fit for my captions. He’s putting me out of work, here!

Doctor Strange is now willing to take it seriously. “This man is playing with forces that he truly doesn’t understand. And for reasons I can’t begin to fathom.” Preston tells him what Captain America told her, that this guy is raising dead presidents out of “some kind of misguided patriotism”. Does Captain America have any other train of thought. It’s all America stuff with this guy. Maybe the necromancer just wants to necrophiliac around with Warren G. Harding.

“May I throw them out now,” Wong asks after Deadpool embarrasses himself again by breaking the fourth wall. Doctor Strange comments on Deadpool’s various oddities, then tells him that ridding the land of these zombie presidents won’t exactly be simple. Communicating with the dead is one thing, that shit is already dangerous. Kids and Ouija boards? Are parents insane?? But actually raising them from the dead? That’s the craziest fucking shit you could do! Ripping souls from the other side? That’s like messing with two Ouija boards at once!

“Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts in dealing with the undead he’s resurrected,” Strange explains further. “These vengeful spirits were brought back without their humanity.”

Ok man, ARGUABLY, how many of them actually had their humanity to begin with? We’re talking Richard Nixon, remember? Andrew Jackson. Chester A. Arthur. Uhh… Steve Perry.

Thus, Strange is going to start “meditating” to look for the necromancer. I think he uses his right hand for his “meditation”. Wong still wants to throw these bitches out.

If only more proposals revolved around spaceships, think of the economic boon!

It’s time to check in with which leaders of America are being extra evil right now. At Dr. Rick’s Pretty Mouth Family Dentistry, Washington, Lincoln, and Gerald Ford are discussing matters while the necromancer is stuck in a pillory. Reagan has a plan, unlikely related to trickling down unless we’re talking about his leaky penis. Ford doesn’t like Reagan’s plan! Lincoln likes it because it’s elegant and effective. Ford hates it because it involves a spaceship. Going into orbit? Star Wars all over again? Does that guy have dementia?

Strange is triangulating as we speak. I personally don’t know why the dentist office was picked as a suitable locale. Perhaps Washington needed some new teeth? Strange has locked on! Off to the suburbs they go! Maybe they all can get free toothbrushes.

They all immediately pop into the dentist office. Deadpool makes an awful, awful pun that I’m not going to dignify with commentary here, and then punches Washington right in his ugly mug. “You men don’t belong here,” Strange proclaims with cold conviction. “You can leave on your own, or things will get unpleasant.” Yeah, for who? Zombies are pretty unpleasant, I can’t imagine how tables could be turned.

…let the unpleasantness begin, I suppose! Deadpool whips out a couple of semi-automatic rifles and starts filling the room with bullets. Meanwhile, Strange removes the necromancer from the room magic-style and intends to have a friendly-ass chat. Washington, to put it lightly, is dissatisfied.

Strange takes the guy to some cosmic realm of the 11th dimension. A real acid trip. Necromancer is floating around the weird void, still trapped in the pillory. He is told to shut up while Strange cleanses him of his necromancy. Wong, prepare the 100-gallon enema!

A trick is something a whore does for money. …or candy!

While the cleansing happens, the necromancer plays some of that hostage psychology and tells Doctor Strange that his name is Michael, and they wedge in an Arrested Development reference here.

The real question Michael has here is if Doctor Strange is going to hurt him. Not anymore than a giant, squishy enema! But no, hurting him would be too kind. Strange would rather know where he acquired his occult skills? Is it Craigslist? All these fucks keep getting their powers from Craigslist.

Michael tells his story. His hamster died when he was a 10-year-old mullet head. Michael wouldn’t let his dad bury him in the yard. That night, through some sheer force of will, Michael was able to resurrect him! It was a miracle! “I had squeezed life back into my dead pet.”

That story kind of sucks, doesn’t it? It doesn’t explain at all where he acquired his skills, just that he wanted to do it badly enough. Now Strange wants to know where he honed this skill. None of this can be self-taught, man. Spill.

Here’s the bombshell: Michael was recruited by S.H.I.E.L.D. right out of college. “BY THE HOARY HOSTS OF HOGGOTH!” exclaims Doctor Stephen “Ron Burgundy” Strange. “I assumed your overcoat was a Goodwill purchase.”

Well, that’s a bonkers-ass revelation. Let it sink in for a bit while we see what’s going on at the dentist office. Preston requests backup as she fills Ford full of lead. Washington and Deadpool play at swords! Lincoln promises that, since Deadpool can’t die, they’ll dedicate their death-life to making Deadpool’s death-life a dead-living Hell! Never-ending torture! That one Gotye song on a constant loop! “You don’t scare me!” Deadpool sneers at Abe. “You’re a half-shaved yeti that let yourself get killed by an actor.”

“BOOTH HAD THE DROP ON ME!”

Washington is about to destroy Preston, but Deadpool butts in at the last second. “Everyone without a healing power should go home for the day,” he tells her. “RUN!”

And runs she does. She’ll be back though with her S.H.I.E.L.D. posse. For now, Deadpool’s got this… uh… “handled”.

The fighting stops and the three presidents regroup. No need to wonder how they’re going to keep following through with their mission without the necromancer, because Washington stole his ancient magic book! Now to neutralize the Deadpool situation.

It’s crunch time, fool!

As you can see above, the crunch the car that Deadpool is already trapped within. Then George Washington stabs through the top of the car – and the top of the Deadpool – trapping him further. “Ford goes back for the game-winning kick,” says Mr. University of Michigan (BOOOOO). He sends the car flying, hurting his dead zombie foot in the process.

“Hello, Onstar? I’ve been in an accident,” Deadpool quips as the presidents walk away from the crash scene. A helicopter enters the area, piloted by John Adams and John Quincy Adams. The helicopter lands, and Tricky Dick emerges. AARRROOOOOO!!

“I recognize this place. This is Watergate… this is where it all went wrong.”

Ford trips, as he does, and falls into the still-spinning tail rotor blade. The result is pretty gruesome. He dies all over again, and this time it’s pretty damn dead. Washington and Lincoln have the biggest “oh shit” faces. Just completely put out. You almost feel bad for them, especially since they’re trying to destroy America and they need all the help they can get! Go Presidents!

Nixon keeps wandering around, and he’s advised to get the hell back into the helicopter. He does not get the hell back into the helicopter; he has “unfinished business”. So the others fly away just as Doctor Strange pops in through a magic teleportation wormhole Stargate. The police show up too, finally. No one can be counted on.

“Our Nation’s Stabby Past” is great, I saw them open up for Black Flag once.

Strange helps Deadpool remove the sword from his… er, person. He then takes it and fucks off back through the portal. Nixon, meanwhile, is tearing shit up at the Watergate hotel and everyone finds his presence inconvenient, so Deadpool shoots him with guns. He gets enraged instead of killed, and throws the hapless twerp right through a window in the hotel and scaring the bejeesus out of an old lady with an oxygen tube. Nixon leaps through and continues reigning blows upon the poor bastard.

Luckily, Strange shows up in the nick of time to throw the sword back to Deadpool. “The blade now carries an enchantment against the undead,” he says. You can tell there’s an enchantment because it’s glowing pink now! Strawberry-flavored enchantment. Deadpool says three funny things and then stabs Nick Dixon right in the chest. ARROOO. Gone.

“The blade will help banish these soulless monsters to the other side,” Stange explains after they’re back outside. “Oh, and most swords usually have a woman’s name.”

“How does ‘Nancy the Sword’ grab you?” Deadpool asks earnestly.

“It doesn’t.”

Flag this next one for a future callback! Strange tells Deadpool that he noticed something weird about him back in NYC. He whispers this something something into Deadpool’s ear, and Deadpool gulps! GULP! I wonder what it is! Was his flaccid penis hanging out of his pants?? Eek! …he sure hopes so!

Agent Preston arrives. The necromancer has been detained and is willing to cooperate. The undead army is risen or will be fully risen by the time Wheel of Fortune is on. They’re looking to overrun the country post-haste.

So get that penis out and flopping, Deadpool. It’s time to go fight an undead army!

Final Thoughts

I like the part where the presidents are zombies! That’s entertaining! This is a good series. I look forward to reading three more issues before I move onto other things for three years, certainly.