Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576 – “Chapter Two: Deal with the Devil”! In the previous installment, there’s a new vigilante in town and he’s actually an old vigilante! He fancies himself as “The Reaper” and he’s actually some old fart named Mr. Caspian and he can kick Batman’s ass just by flicking his little stubby penis.

Bruce Wayne is like “hurr de durr I can’t beat him” so he grabs his gun. lmao

I can’t wait to see where this is headed.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576 [July, 1987]
Written by: Mike W. Barr
“Chapter Two: Deal With the Devil”

See, look at that cover. Batman’s just going to start shooting things now, I guess, while The Reaper scythes off his underwear.

The police have set up a tactical team organized to escort Big Willie Golonka to prison before the media circus becomes, well, a circus! Well, there’s someone on the roof who wants to take out Golonka before he even has a chance to join a prison gang. This motherfucker in a green suit and a green hat is sniping people from the rooftop. The tactical team’s bullets fly right through him! What the fuck is going on?! Why and how?!

Long story short, while the tactical team paws around the ground looking for their testicles, Reaper Man sneaks up to Golonka and blasts him right through the chest WITH CUM! Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

The team tries to subdue The Reaper, but The Reaper is just too smart and cunning and invincible for that. He flees. He flees just in time for Commissioner Gordon to show up to get some details on this catastrophic failure. “Two dead, four wounded, one of those critical!” yelps that tactical team leader. “He’s been taken on ahead. They found the armored car – deserted of course. Run it through the lab, just in case.”

Good idea, sir. Run the whole car through the lab. Like it were a car wash.

Oh snap, the guy in critical condition is dead now. Commissioner Gordon will call his family and tell them the news (“WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB, GUESS WHO KICKED THE BUCKET?!”). The mayor is calling, by the way, and he wants to know when Gordon is going to show up for the pancake breakfast the next morning. Gordon wants the mayor to shove his phone up his butt.

Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne is doing some target practice in his cave while Alfred watches with stoic glee. “I wasn’t aware you’d been keeping up on your marksmanship,” he says after Bruce hits his target roughly 47 times in a row.

Bruce ascends the staircase in his robe and slippies and greets Dr. Leslie Thompkins with a hearty “Good morning”. Leslie is not having a good morning. She barely slept knowing Bruce was down there with his, his, his, his gun!

I’ve got a gun in my pocket and I’m happy to see ya! Does that help?

Leslie asks her smiling chum what his father might think of him toting that gun around. Bruce then frowns. We’re really seeing the full gamut of emotion here.

In the end, whatever! Bruce plans on prowling the streets tonight, as does The Reaper. He hangs up his costume for the morning and greets his lovely nun daughter Rachel. Then he’s all like “your mother would be proud but too bad she’s DEAD” and then we get a flashback of some dickhead shooting her on the street while the whole family returns from the circus. Sound familiar?

Judson Caspian (JUDSON??) sat in a wheelchair during the funeral because a bullet clipped his balls or something. He grips the arm of the wheelchair angrily as the priest reads off some scripture bullshit. I’d be mad too if some priest was talking!

Snapping out of his stupor, Judson reminds his daughter that everything he does, he does for her. Then he walks off, never to be seen again! At least until a few pages from now or so.

I forgot to mention that Leslie wanted to cancel a lunch date with Rachel, and Bruce said he’d take care of letting her know. Well, this is how he lets her know: by ambushing her while she waits for Leslie. Bruce is all smiles! Leslie asked him to come in her place! Isn’t that what we all want?!

(no)

Mostly, though, I just want to cheer up grumpy old ice cream men.

The two enjoy dinner and talk mostly about Bruce because he’s so damn interesting and charming. Puke. What’s particularly interesting, actually, is his contributions to Leslie’s organizations. The foundation in his father’s name. It all smacks of loneliness. Lonely like her weird father. “He lost the only joy in his life when my mother died… he became distant, withdrawn. I’d hate it if that happened to you.”

So then they kiss in the park. Bruce, you sly dog.

Later, Batman sneaks up on Jim Gordon while he’s in his office. Boogity boogity! Did I scare ya? Good.

Gordon was just about to call him about The Reaper. Batman is working on a plan, and it involves a complicated Rube Goldberg device where a pie flies in his face. And he’s going to work alone. No police involvement, y’hear? If there’s a leak, Batman will find out and he will fuck your butt so hard that you’ll be puking cum. Dig?

While Batman is out doing his thing, Gordon assembles a team to take out Johnny Heymer the Metropolis Mob Boss Extraordinaire. However, shit hits the fan when the ground crew approaches the airplane before the passengers disembark. That wasn’t part of the plan! Whuzzat?? OH SHIT THE REAPER JUST SHOWED UP TO KILL JOHNNY HEYMER BUT THEN BATMAN SHOWS UP TO FIGHT THE REAPER! BAHABRHABRHAB!!

So they fight with sharp objects and smoke bombs and Jack-in-the-Boxes with giant punching gloves in them. All the while, The Reaper tries to get at Heymer to give him the ol’ scythey-scythey. Batman attempts to distract The Reaper long enough to get Heymer to safety, but it’s tough. For one thing, The Reaper isn’t getting very distracted. Also, Batman sucks.

Come on, loser. Beat up the old man. Start mocking his dead wife!

The Reaper gets his scythe stuck in a wall. This is his downfall. The police show up to arrest him, but The Reaper starts using his secret gun shoulder attachment and then flees off into the night.

There’s one thing off about all this, though…

“What’s what with the Batman?” asks a member of Gordon’s team. I thought he was on our side!”

“So did I, McGinley,” Gordon says, puffing on his fat pipe. “Looks like we were both wrong.”

The High Council of Mob Bosses are meeting at some dingy dive near the pier. Sales are down, gentlemen. Our prostitutes don’t want to go out. Our drug merchants are afraid to deal. The Reaper is wreaking havoc on our legitimate businesses! A man named Morgan Jones knows what to do about this. He blows dainty smoke rings as he suggests putting a hit out on this guy. Badabing badaboom! Fuggeddaboutit.

Batman suddenly throws Heymer from the roof to the table they’re all sitting at. “Your attention please… I’m here to call a truce. I want The Reaper as much as you do… but for my own reasons.”

Yeah. Bruised ego.

So Batman suggests working together to achieve the same goal. Instead of all the infighting, let’s join hands in harmony and peace. The Mob Boss leader begrudingly approves.

…but there’s someone there that Batman already knows…

…a vicious, ruthless killer…

…Joe Chill…

…?…

…the guy who shot Batman’s parents 25 years ago…

…and Batman’s all like “gronk”.

gronk

Final Thoughts

“gronk” is basically all I have to say, too. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.