Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #658 – “Deciphered”

* Part 11 of 14 of the Batman: Prelude to Knightfall event *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #658 – “Deciphered”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, Jean-Paul Garth Algar Azrael talks Robin into busting some heads at “Party On” Wayne Plaza because he’s bored at his security job where he spends all day keeping an eye on a stack of boxes and making sure it doesn’t fall down. Azrael almost kills a dude with a chainsaw, which alarms Robin, which in turn alarms Azrael. But we’ll work on him! He’s not really a killer! *snicker*

Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne is a wuss and can’t handle the stress of being Batman right now. Alfred tucked him into bed all cozy and put some The Young and the Restless on his TV. He also feeds him oatmeal.

What else is going on? Oh yeah, Lucius Fox is going to get murdered but I’m rooting for that, actually. Sounds like it’s really going to kick this story in the right direction!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #658 [April, 1993]
Written by: Chuck Dixon
“Deciphered”

Fifteen minutes ago they were twenty minutes away from Pierside. This is actually a very good plot setup device. I like it when certain amount of minutes ago something will happen a certain amount of minutes from then.

“He’ll be there, Robin. He’ll be there and he’ll still be alive. I know Lucius Fox. He’s stronger than that. He’ll still be alive when we reach him.”

And, as I’ve already said, if Lucius Fox is a pile of decomposing bones when they show up then I’m fine with it. Why, here’s the scamp now getting hypnotized by that bald jerk. He’s got Lucius talking to his dad, and he’s making Lucius jump off a bridge and into the water. “BUT I CAN’T, DAD! I CAN’T SWIM!” Lucius says, which is such a dadgum racist stereotype that I’m positively sitting here eating mayonnaise and not being able to dance or jump about it. “Make me proud of you, son,” Lucius is told while he grips a bar on the bridge for dear life.

Eighteen hours ago, which is twenty hours from thirty-eight hours ago, some federal agents bust into Harvey Bullock’s interrogation room and tell the fat fucker that a judge’s signature allows them to take his perp away for questioning. Bullock’s like “HE’S ALREADY GETTING QUESTIONED” but the agents are like “not by you anymore, fatty”.

And not just him. Everyone that Bullock booked. Sorry, Charlie. Maybe next time you should have just stayed home and eaten Pringles.

Sixteen hours ago, which is actually twenty-one hours ago in Greenwich Mean Time, the FBI is seizing all of the files at WayneTech. Writs, warrants, orders, and hall passes say they can, so don’t do nothing about it, Lucious Foxy. Lucius asks, sirs, what the meaning of this is! And he is told “tough titties”.

Lucius calls a guy named Roth who tells him that all these break-ins at WayneTech are linked to the “suicides”. Guess what? They were part of the other two companies working on the Echo Project. That means you’re next, sailor! *hangs up phone with enough force to break desk*

Certainly, sir. I shall “AIM” him in the “chat room” with my “screen name” after I add him to my “buddy list”.

Bruce Wayne tells Alfred to “put a message on Tim’s computer” (i.e. a sticky note on his Apple IIe monitor) that Batman and Robin will be going out tonight on a sexy date. “But you promised to concentrate on your business affairs for the next few days,” Alfred whines. Bruce’s eyes get dangerously fiery. “HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME, CUNT??”

No, that would have been insane! What he actually says is that this is WayneTech business. “If I handle it as Bruce Wayne, we’ll be going to Lucius Fox’s funeral,” he mansplains. “Your concern is touching, Alfred. But it’s beginning to smack of mothering.”

“WELL, SOMEONE HAS TO MOTHER YOU AFTER YOUR REAL MOTHER WAS SHOT TO DEATH!!”

No, that would have been insane! What he actually says is nothing and goes back to frying up some delicious eggs.

Lucius is starting to panic and decides to lie down for a lunch nap. “Buzzing in my head… like a hornet’s nest…” he says… then he starts to hear sweet, sweet, beautiful music (Pantera).

Eight hours ago, which is fifty-six hours ago in dog hours, the hypnotist murderer gets his voice ready for his making-Lucius-Fox-jump-off-a-bridge debut. “I shall be at the peak of modulation and persuasiveness. After all, The Cypher has a reputation to uphold.”

THE CYPHER, you say! A fetching nickname! Is there a Mrs. Cypher? *tugs braid nervously*

Three hours ago, Batman and Robin drive by Azrael’s house to pick him up for a lovely dinner. “What can Azrael find out for us that you couldn’t find on your own?” Robin asks defiantly. After a couple of quick slaps on the tuchus, Batman politely tells the little wetnap that it would be suspicious of Bruce Wayne was nosing around the daily affairs of his own security force. “I wasn’t sure what role Azrael would play in the scheme of things, but he’s beginning to prove invaluable.

Once Azrael shows up, Batman briefs him on all sorts of boring shit I won’t repeat here. Basically, it’s LUCIUS IS GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE OTHER GUYS IN CHARGE OF THE SUPER SECRET PROJECT ARE NOW DEAD. DID YOU SEE ANYONE UNUSUAL ON THE SECURITY TAPES? OH, A BALD MAN? LET’S GO GET HIM.

Looking good, Robin! I couldn’t have drawn you better myself!

Batman and Robin are going to go find Lucius while Azrael jerks off and plays Grand Theft Auto V. Also, break into Lucius Fox’s office clandestinely and see if you can find anything. This is really just a mission to get you out of our hair. You’re bothering us, kid, is what we’re saying.

Two hours ago, Lucius Fox is like “I’m going out” and his daughter is like “But dad, you promised to help me with my calculus homework” and Lucius is like “HAAAAARRRRBABLAHABAB RAAAWWWWRRRHABAHABAHAAB” and I’m barely exaggerating.

“But when will you be back, Lucius?” his wife asks. “It’s so late.”

“I’LL GET BACK WHEN I GET BACK. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!” *slams door*

Not at all suspicious if you ask me. His wife is like “he’s never yelled at me in my life, not even during Yell Sex”. She looks out the window at him, scared.

90 minutes ago (things are getting tense!), Batman calls Lucius’ wife and she says “he’s acting weird”. He also left the house and no one knows where he went. And Azrael hasn’t said anything in like ten hours so hopefully he didn’t die on the way to the office. Immediately after they wonder why Azrael hasn’t contacted them, Azrael contacts them. He found something! “I might even live to tell you about it,” he adds dramatically, then guys with guns show up to the office and Azrael almost doesn’t live to tell anyone about anything.

Time to call Jim Gordon to put out an APB on Lucius’ car (1970 AMC Gremlin).

60 minutes ago, I started getting bored! Also, the Cypher meets up with a fugued Lucius. “Listen to my voice. Listen to the music. We’ll talk about Echo Project and then we’ll talk about you.”

Cyper asks Lucius what he knows. He knows nothing, it’s all classified. “Tell me about yourself. Tell me about your childhood. You’re six years old. Tell me your greatest fear. Tell me your fondest wish.”

While things get cozy between Cypher and Lucius, Batman and Robin get cozy themselves. 45 minutes ago, Azrael gives them a tape of shitty muzak. “There has to be more to this,” Batman says, gritting his teeth. He sends the audio file to Alfred, who runs it through the Super Batcomputer Music Analyzer 4000. Even Alfred thinks the music sounds like garbage and he listens to a lot of Moby. The music appears to consist of three loud tracks and a quiet track that barely registers on the Batcomputer Decibel Counter. After throwing some switches, Alfred hears a whisper. Subliminal messages telling the listener to do what it says. Robin is starting to get entranced. “That voice… I could listen to it all night…”

Nope! They fast-forward and hear the command part of the recording, which tells the listener to meet Cypher at Pierside after midnight. Tell no one. Not even Batman. WAIT A MINUTE–

Who are you again, kid? Beat it.

Five minutes ago, which is kind of where we started I guess if you were paying any attention, which I wasn’t, Lucius is gripping the bars on the bridge. “Jump into the water, son. It’s the only way you’ll learn.”

“LUCIUS! DON’T JUMP!” yells a voice.

“Who?” says Lucius.

“Damn,” says Cypher.

The End!

Cypher tells Lucius that the voice is coming from a Bad Man and that he shouldn’t listen and also jump in the fucking river. Robin kicks the radio out of Cypher’s hand. Batman goes to rescue Lucius, but he jumps before he can be stopped. Lucius snaps out of it midair, and it looks like he’s about to die!… but then Azrael (who didn’t go home as instructed and now he’ll get a spanking) swoops onto the scene with rope that’s tied to nothing and saves the jumping dude.

“I thought I told you to go home,” Batman says, not understanding that Azrael going home would have sucked for everyone.

“I would have lain awake all night wondering how this ended,” Azrael says. “I only meant to watch. Honestly.”

Batman pumps his butt full of Whoop-Ass and then thanks him for not going home. Then they hear sirens in the distance and decide to split.

Lucius gets wheeled into an ambulance while Cypher is read his rights. When asked to respond, Cypher can’t talk because he was kicked in the throat. He grits his teeth as the issue ends abruptly.