Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #935 – “Apocalypse Now”

* Part 2 of 7 of the Rise of the Batman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #935 – “Apocalypse Now”! In the previous installment, Batman collects a small army consisting of Batwoman and a few other no-names in order to go against Forces of Ev-il. Why? Because Batman discovered a drone that looked way cooler than any technology he knew about, so now he’s scared.

But he should be! Someone is raising an army themselves of robot batmen. All Batman has to do is knockout a satellite or something and take these robots offline! That’s my idea, at least. Batman will likely have a worse idea, like punching his way out. Always with the punching.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #935 [August, 2016]
Written by: James Tynion IV
“Apocalypse Now”

More like Defective Comics. Ha! The members of the Unnamed Squadron of Dunces are running around like chickens with their heads cut off as they scramble to fight a trillion Jokers. A gaggle of hyena-laughing Joaquin Phoenixes. Red Robin, Cluemaster, and whomever else is involved. I don’t remember, nor do I care. “This is too much,” Red Robin whines. “Shut it down!”

Batman furrows his already-furrowed brow and tells him that the session isn’t over yet. Red Robin overrides the program and the Jokers melt into horrible visages that poof into eventual nothingness. The crew leaves the room dejected. “You let us run three hours, Batwoman,” Red Robin grumbles. “These are attacks designed to stump Batman. You could have hurt one of us.”

Batwoman has her reasons for pushing her charges to their absolute fucking limits. She needed to see how they would act when pushed past the point of exhaustion! Did Red Robin still have time to whip his dick out and jerk off? Yes?? Then he wasn’t tired enough! Learn how to get so exhausted that you can’t even jerk off, then you jerk off through the exhaustion! Fundamentals! Basics! Let’s take it to the top, people!

After going to each person one-by-one and telling them when they suck so hard, Batwoman accuses them all of not taking this seriously. And don’t tell her that Batman would never push anyone this hard! Batman’s a pussy. Batwoman is here to make sure your puny bodies are whipped into shape.

So make like Tommy Wiseau and get your ass back in The Room!

Cluemaster, who now goes by Spoiler for reasons that are befuddling to me, proves that she isn’t taking this seriously: “We’ve all been in the thick of it before… Look, we’re in this crazy awesome new superhero base. When do we get around to some superheroing?”

Red Robin points to every bell and whistle in the new base and compares it to the Batcave. As in, it’s better than the Batcave! For one, it’s not underground. For another, it’s right in the middle of the city! They can get anywhere in two minutes!

Batwoman takes a look around at the $460,000,000,000 worth of equipment and architecture and sneers. “If you have an issue with Batman’s rules, you can tell him yourself. I have places to be.” And she fucks on out of there, leaving the rest of the crew simpering in their pooped pants.

Well, pooped pants or no pooped pants, Red Robin decides to take it upon himself to confront Batman:

“Look, I don’t want to question your methods–”

“Of course you do.”

That shuts up Red Robin for about three seconds before he presses on with his incessant whining. And another thing, they should be out there. What threat is so huge that it’s keeping everyone from being out there right now, and inside fighting make-believe Jokers? Hmm? Eh? Huh? “What do you know, Batman?” he asks as they enter a shithole of an apartment building.

“I know that something is very wrong here. It’s where Jean-Paul Valley’s been living for the last three months. This is Azrael’s base of operations.” Batman opens the door to a stained apartment with a shrine to the Jesus cross on one end of the room, and a whole hospital room setup on the other end.

“Right now, it’s Dr. Thompkins’ secret clinic that’s keeping her patients who don’t jump off roofs by choice,” says the doctor snidely as she cares for a patient in hella traction. Batman needs to talk to Jean-Paul, but the kid is nearly dead and can only speak by pointing his eyes at a card that says “BEES”, but only if needs to indicate bees. “He needs to be taken to a real hospital, Bruce,” says Dr. Leslie Thompkins, who has got a good head on her shoulders. Batman is like “fuck real hospitals”.

If you keep speaking in riddles I’ll smother you with a pillow.

“Shadows… shadows under the surface… think they’re fighting a war… what they’ll do… unforgiveable… the colony… COLONY IS HERE.” Jean-Paul’s eyes widen. Thompkins tells the Batfella that the kid needs his rest, especially since he’s talkin’ cockamamie. Batman knows when he’s not wanted (haha, that’s not true at all!) and leaves with Red Robin.

Batman’s gonna do some info-digging on this “colony” thing. Red Robin, you can help by going the fuck home. Red Robin doesn’t go the fuck home, not until he gets an answer as to why he was brought in for this mission in the first place. So Batman nuzzles his little half-boner for a minute.

“You always insisted you weren’t Robin… you always kept yourself at a distance… I respected that, but I need you to know. You were Robin, to me at least… You don’t have to pull away anymore, Tim. You can come in. Gotham City is safer with you in it.

“…thanks, Bruce.”

Red Robin later returns home to his Spoiler girlfriend Stephanie Brown. She asks why he didn’t tell Batman what he wanted to tell him. Tim lifts his shirt, revealing 12-pack abs, and frowns. One genius grant a year from this university, and it’s a fast-track to working with the best scientific minds in the country… so, yeah, there’s that… but also… you know… uh… Gotham City, y’know? And–

Tim is down to his underwear when a rapping on the window gets their attention. Orphan is home! But Steph kicks her out so that she and Tim can bone down on each other. “I thought Batman set her up with her own place?” Tim asks as Orphan swings back out to the city. Well, Orphan doesn’t like being alone. Go figure.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Tim feels that he owes Batman, and that he owes Steph, and these are two bad reasons to not go to College State University U and earn that degree! She thinks he’s scared to go to college! Is that what it is, Tim? You fuckin’ afraid?

They laugh before something lewd happens. We need to move on now.

Don’t you dare tell me what I know to be true! Arrgh! I hate it when people tell me true things!

Kate Kane returns to find her dad getting fancy for the dinner with the joint chiefs! Snazzy bowtie and everything. Looking like quite the penguin, sir. He can tell that Kate’s not feeling 100%, so what’s up, kiddo? Gotham City’s a shithole? Tell me about it.

Mr. Kane talks about how when his sister – Kate’s Aunt Martha – started dating Thomas Wayne, the two families were beside themselves. This was some Capulet/Montague shit! The Kanes and the Waynes have been at each other’s throats for generations! Anyway, Mr. Kane took Martha right in front of the family crest and reminded her that Kanes stand together! That’s why they’ve always been a good military family! The Waynes? Pffft. They’re a good blowjob family. Fuck them. “Their motto might as well be ‘We Stand Apart’. And Bruce… Batman… he’s the worst of the lot. Sure, he’ll partner up when he needs to, but wars are fought with armies, not lone men. The war he’s fighting, he can’t win.”

Kate starts to open her mouth to disagree, but holds back. He doesn’t want to defend Batman in front of her father, obviously. TENSION IS IN THE AIR.

Elsewhere, Batman is returning home via Batmobile. He’s on the horn with Alfred, who needs to tap into the Batinternet and find something on “The Colony”. Alfred accepts this tedious tack with nothing short of direct scorn. Then Batman notices something on his radar… “My sensors tell me I’m alone on this road… I’m not alone.”

And, indeed, two fancy flying cars flank the Batmobile and crash into it. He maneuvers out of the way and, eventually, escapes. Sort of. There’s an explosion that happens that busts up his ride, but never mind! Batman got out safe.

And in front of robots.