Chapter III – “Assault Force!”

And we’re back! “An hour passes – two hours – until the forsaken atoll called Krakoa looms full before the viewports…”

“So that’s where you mislaid your you partners, huh?” Wolverine snorts. “Can’t say much for your taste in vacation spots, Summers!”

The Wolverine-Cyclops War is full underway! You love to see it. Cyclops waves this off and announces to everyone that the professor gave them all code-names. “You may as well start getting used to them!”

Break off into teams, gang! Storm and Colossus, you flank the north! Banshee and Wolverine, you flank the east! Sunfire and Nightcrawler, you flank the south! Thunderbird and Cyclops, you flank the west! If anyone has any problems figuring out which direction is which, feel free to stare directly at the sun for seven minutes until hallucinogenic visions pop into your head. That’s how the astronomers did it.

You can talk when I say you can talk, motherfucker.

OK, so they break off into these groups where they will hang out in the four main cardinal directions to bicker and fight with each other like petulant children. This is exactly the way that the smelly Professor wanted it to be! There’s a whole dramatic ceremony where Cyclops goes “East Team – GO!” and they jump out of the jet one by one. When it’s Colossus’ turn, he leaps as if he’s about to fly, but Storm reminds the guy that he cannot fly! He cannot do it! NOT TO WORRY, STORM! “I can land with the best of them!” he says as he lands on his feet after a 20,000 ft plunge to the ground.

This is stupid.

How many more will we lose this time, he wonders morbidly. That’s the narration for you. Frankly, I think it would be quite hilarious if Professor Xavier kept rounding up new mutants that Cyclops just dumped off onto Krakoa. Over and over again! They would have had to make the Giant Size issue even bigger to cover all of Cyclops’ bullshit for hundreds of pages.

Thunderbird and Cyclops get ready to head east. Thunderbird is the code-name of the angry and annoyed Apache, and he remains angry and annoyed after they disembark the jet. Cyclops realizes two seconds later that he left his “mini-cerebro unit” (vibrator) in the jet, but they turn around and IT’S GONE! THE JET IS GONE! THEY BOTH LOOK IN HORRIFIED SURPRISE!

“But that’s impossible! The ground doesn’t just open up and swallow a jet plane whole–!” Thunderbird proclaims astutely.
“Absolutely right!” Cyclops confirms. We have a couple of smarty men over here, do we not? But no time for mockery now, kids, for a GIANT TEMPLE has erected itself just outside of the jungle! Time to explore!

Grumbling in annoyance, the mutant now reluctantly called Thunderbird follows his cyclopean companion into the verdant underbrush. Yeah, so they can hate-fuck.

Wow. Somebody in the group sure is a complainer.

The duo enter the jungle, which is like “not today” and tries to ensnare the both of them with slimy vines. They recognize their certain death unless they act fast. “Got any suggestions in particular, One-Eye?” Thunderbird grunts as he SKRAKS a vine in twain. “Not really Thunderbird,” Cyclops responds as he shoots his eye blasts, implying that Thunderbird can come up with this own suggestions for himself! Cheeky cheeky!

Fourteen minutes later, these lovebirds reach their destination: the GIANT TEMPLE. “Well, we’ve made it in reasonable shape,” proclaims Cyclops, always ready to make lemonade out of piss. “I wonder how the others are fairing?”

Well, I wasn’t particularly interested in how the others are fairing, but I guess we’ll have to switch gears against my will! On the east side, Wu-Tang style, Wolverine and Banshee are battling giant crabs in their pants… I mean, on the beach. On the beach is what I meant! Of course! “Saints, Laddy–” says Banshee, who I suppose is Irish, which makes a lot of sense, and it makes a lot of sense, because, his name is Banshee, and I like to hit the comma key, “will ye look at the size o’ them beasties!”

How annoying! Wolverine got paired up with, arguably, the worst X-Men ever. Don’t stand too close to their claws, that’s what they use to HURT people!

“Good thing then they’re not the only ones around here with big, sharp claws, isn’t it?” Wolverine jubilates, pouncing on his victim! I love how these characters are like “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. LOOK WHAT MAKES ME SPECIAL.” Showboating! Shameful shit.

Wolverine yells at Banshee to help him, goddamnit. Banshee’s like, aight, and then he flies in the air and shrieks at his enemies. Shrieking like a banshee, you might say. You might say that, wouldn’t you? His shrieking causes a crab to burst, for some reason! The sound is “SPRAKT”, which sounds like a delicious dessert. Now that the crabs have been rendered destroyed and infertile, they can head to that GIANT TEMPLE they spotted off in the distance. Does that sound hunky-dory?

By the time these two reach the GIANT TEMPLE, Storm and Colossus are already there. But let’s see what they were dealing with on the north side, hmm?

Flying rocks.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but stones will no longer break my bones. – Leviticus 19:28

This island has everything! A landslide that turns into sentient rocks that chase intruders hither and thither?! I love it! When can I establish a permanent residence?

Colossus rips a tree out of the ground and whacks the rocks like baseballs. Storm whips up a frenzied torrent and sends the rocks flying into the ocean where they can no longer harm anyone except an entire ecosystem of underground wildlife. But who cares about that? There’s a GIANT TEMPLE to explore.

Cyclops is the mayor of the temple. Each individual who shows up gets a hearty WELCOME TO THE GIANT TEMPLE, GLAD YA COULD MAKE IT!” Only one group left: those on the south side, where Kanye grew up!

It’s Sunfire and Nightcrawler, the most underwhelming team yet. They’re the biggest losers here, getting stalled by, of everything, a flock of birds.

“These birds seem determined to prevent us from reaching that strange temple ahead, Sunfire,” Nightcrawler says astutely.
“A remarkable observation, misfit! You have a positive talent for stating the obvious!” Sunfire rebukes. I like this Sunfire guy, he’s got pizazz!

Nightcrawler doesn’t appreciate Sunfire’s sarcasm! He’s probably going to cry really hard right now and get killed by the birds. Luckily, he has a power that is oblique enough for me to not exactly understand what’s happening. He can disappear in a puff of smoke and pop up somewhere else? What does that have to do whatsoever with night or crawling??

The power of the sun and the power of fire are certainly a deadly combination.

Blah blah blah, in three panels they defeat their enemies and move on to the GIANT TEMPLE. I’m glad we got a crash course on everyone’s abilities in the most hamfisted manner possible. Now they can all meet up again in one spot and enjoy a large orgy.

Cyclops is tickled pink that everyone converged in the same spot. “And since we are all finally here, I think it’s about time we found out what’s inside this tumbleweed temple!” he ejaculates. My favorite dungeon in Zelda is Tumbleweed Temple! That’s where you get the, uh, Desert Widget.

“I’ve got a gut feeling someone lured us here…” Cyclops continues even though no one’s listening or cares, “and I’d hate to disappoint them now!”

Ah, the temple door is sealed with a rock slab about a foot thick! Time to put some of the X-Manning to the test! Sunfire, Storm and Colossus, you’re up! Do your thing!

*Sunfire lights a match*
*Storm makes it rain, extinguishing the match*
*Colossus picks up both of them and throws them off a cliff*

Well done, team! Now let’s try the door!

*All three do their thing and the door crumbles*

Still slightly astonished by their own abilities, the young mutants step cautiously into the stygian darkness.

What they find is ASTONISHING! Tune in next week when we find out wh–

You fuckers were just hanging out on this cool, fun island WITHOUT ME?

Colossus has the opinion that something is feeding on them while they hang there, and I don’t know what gives him that idea. And even if something was, who’s to say that these X-Men weren’t volunteering their bodies for the project. Just like that Ms. Marvel story about global warming!

“In pity’s name – set them free!” Cyclops cries flamboyantly. I still wonder if Cyclops’ tears burn holes in his clothes. I’m pretty sure I asked that elsewhere. The team starts trying to cut the unconscious OG team loose, but their efforts result in violent trembling in the GIANT TEMPLE. Egads, man! Get the ones you can and get out! Leave the fat ones! Hurry!

Cyclops gets to carry Jean Grey. Of course he does. Hey, it looks like he’s trying to cop a feel! Stop it! Bad Cyclops!

So they all get out. Every last one of them mere nanoseconds before the GIANT TEMPLE implodes like a jerk. Here’s the funny part: they all start snapping out of it immediately and then they yell at Cyclops for coming back for them! Fuck that guy, I agree! He’s going to cry on your shoulder now and melt your neck right down to a stump.

“You fool – don’t you understand?” asks a rather presumptuous guy with blond hair whom I do not know yet. I can’t remember who he might be. Is Daniel Craig an X-Man? “It wanted you to come back – and bring others with you! It was a trap – and now it’s – TOO LATE!”

Oh snap! It’s a shame there aren’t 16 X-Men on this island here to handle everything.

The GIANT TEMPLE starts lifting up out of the ground again while the Earth trembles violently.

And now it’s a thing that they all need to beat.

Chapter IV – “Krakoa… The Island That Walks Like a Man!”

This Giant Size issue is pretty big, man! Why wasn’t I warned?!

“Images flood mutant minds as they stand rooted to the spot… the sun-burst brilliance of an early atomic test… whose unseen radiation permeated every living organism here… until they grew linked in a colony intelligence that gave the island a life of it’s own…”

BO-O-O-RING! I’m not here to read. I’m 12 and I want my comic books to have fighting and titties! Both at the same time preferred!

Krakoa had an angle here, you see. He was hungry, so very hungry, and the only available meal to sate his voracious appetite happened to be the OG X-Men. But then Krakoa was like THIS AIN’T ENOUGH and he took advantage of Cyclops (the dumbest one) by setting him free and wrangling more X-Men for Krakoa to siphon energy from. Wouldn’t it be funny if he planned it a third time and let Cyclops go again? I’m laughing!

Shake your fist harder, Cyclops. Maybe you’ll actually accomplish something.

Cyclops rants at the monster like an old man and profoundly embarrassing himself in front of his people. Krakoa is like “Yeah, we used you moron. What of it? Moron.”

Enough chit-chat! Krakoa is hungry and he has all this A-1 steak sauce ready. Wolverine pounces immediately. “You lily-livers want to scatter, that’s swell – but the Wolverine is going out for blood!” he says flamboyantly as he cavorts around the beast.

“Your solar flares have no effect on the thing, Sunfire!” yells the bird guy. Who is that again? Nightcrawler. Wow, I have NOT been paying attention!

“Nor do my bolts of lightning!” yells the ineffective Storm!

“Mere words could never begin to describe the unbridled savagery of the battle that follows–” chimes in the narration with overwhelming generosity. I have one word: “dull”.

“So we won’t even attempt it here!” it continues. How cute.

After a bit of flailing around, PROFESSOR X transmits some of that mental connection FaceTime with Cyclops, facepalms, and tells the visored dummy that they’re not doing it right. He has found his weak spot, and give him about five seconds… hold on… and… YEP, he’s now in the battle! He’s fighting Krakoa’s brain or something, making him go all bug-eyed and saying things like “KKKRMMMMRR” (who was on Seinfeld). Now it’s Storm’s time to shine! She creates a storm! Ha! Of course she does, that’s all she knows how to do.

The storm’s electrical energies are channeled into OG X-Man Lorna Dane. She groans orgasmically as she reaches full power again. Her X-Name is Polaris.

“You’ve got to call it off Scott!” whines some guy named Alex. “She’ll be killed!” And Scott looks like he swallowed a bag of termites and yells that he can’t. “I can’t sacrifice a world to save one woman, Alex.”

A fine excuse, pussy. Alex only wants that because he’s in love with her. Some real bias going on here. Leave your emotions at the door, Alex. Nobody wants that shit stinking up the room.

Professor needs a nap, guys! No, it’s cool, man. Just go to bed while we’re in peril, it’s fine.

Oh yeah, Alex is Cyclops’ brother. I think I read that elsewhere. Didn’t he die? Maybe he’ll die here. Maybe Krakoa will swallow him whole, that would be funny. I’m rooting for the island monster here.

Krakoa’s getting stronger because Storm’s storm is replenishing the beast with sweet, delicious rain water! MUAH HA HA HAAAA!!

Well shit. Now what?

“We can’t hold that thing forever, Scott!” cries our newly thawed-out Jean Grey. “If the Professor’s plan doesn’t work…” But she holds that thought, because Cyclops looks like he’s going to slap the shit out of her 1975-style. “We’ll know if it works soon enough, Jean! Get everybody back!”

Lorna Dane Cook Polaris is doing magnets at the beast. “NOW!” screams Cyclops in big red letters, blasting the giant tree-thing with his ocular mutant skills! Polaris’ magnet is so strong that she is able to project her energies through five miles of ocean depth! It makes Krakow quiver and not orgasmically, I must add! It’s working! They’re going to defeat them, and just with a few pages left to go! Hooray!

They hoof it off the island while magnets kill it somehow. The island is breaking off into dozens of pieces as if 14 earthquakes and tsunamis are hitting it simultaneously. That ain’t good, especially since their Strato-Jet is off-island. It’s probably being outfitted with decals and low-rider hydraulics to make it jump around. Yeah buddy.

Iceman to the rescue. He freezes the ocean with his powerful Ice Pee and they all board a glacier. “Swiftly, the desperate X-Men clamber aboard the crude iceraft,” explains the well-educated, high-vocabulary narration, “then hang on for dear life as the mutant powers of Cyclops and Havok propel the makeshift vessel away fro Krakoa with the speed of a urtling hydroplane!”

Uh huh. Cool. What’s ACTUALLY cool is that Polaris’ magnetic powers actually FORCES THE ISLAND UPWARD, breaking escape velocity and hurtling into outer space where it will land on Jupiter and terrorize the X-Men Jupiter branch.

Let’s not celebrate too soon. The hole left by Krakoa begins to get filled in by the ocean water, causing a massive whirlpool! “Brace yourselves everyone – there’s trouble ahead!” cries the ever-astute Cyclops.

Haven’t any of you played Pokemon? Ice is weak against water, fools!

The Icedome hath been created. The big ice bubble swirls around the torrential waters. The occupants are thrown around like crazy, bashing their mushy heads against the thick, icy walls! Serious lol there. Fuck the X-Men.

Eventually, the sea absorbs the ice bubble and it sinks below the now-calm ocean. UNTIL… the ice bubble bursts forth above the water! And then some douchebag’s laser eyes melt the top of the Icedome, freeing them from the chilly prison of Sno-Cone frostiness! “Fresh air… warm sun… did you ever see anything more beautiful?” exclaims… I can’t tell. One of the lesser X-Men who barely has any lines. The Strato-Jet is waiting for them in the water, and they all board the craft. All 378 of them. There’s a lot of X-Men now, and all of them have identical personalities and speech patterns. Awesome.

“Sorry we don’t have seats for all of you – but this plane wasn’t designed to carry so many mutants,” says the blond one. He has the same personality and speech pattern as the rest of them.

“Which brings us to our next little problem… WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THIRTEEN X-MEN?”

Ok, so I was off by 365. Sue me.

Final Thoughts

You just read over 6,000 words, you idiot!

Here is the very beginning of an incredible adventure! Now enters Chris Claremont! From now on, this then-25-year-old bald British nobody is going to revitalize the X-Men franchise as we know it. Do you feel that? Those are tingles, my friend. TINGLES!