Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #5 – “Stardeath”! In the previous installment, everyone ends up at the Spider Guild ship and spends most of the issue stuck in the Spider Guild ship before they all blast out of the Spider Guild ship.

But that’s not exciting, is it? Here’s something better: the spiders are destroying stars and turning them into black holes in order to capture the energy to feed their hive. And Oa’s sun is next, so we have to stop them before it’s too – hey, a penny *falls out of chair*

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #5 [March, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Stardeath”

The Spiders of the Guild are rubbing their little spider hands together over the planetfall on Oa. The spiders are eager for their prey, and all the struggling from the Guardians and the Lanterns will only stimulate the Fathers’ appetites! Countdown to Explodey Star is a go!

The Lanterns – rookies or otherwise – scramble to try to defeat these incoming spider ships, but it’s too overwhelming! At least I think it is. The panels make it look like there are just people flailing at odd angles while things blow up.

But when things look too dire, like it’s too hopeless to continue, in flies the A-team! John Stewart and Hal Jordan responding to their Code Zero alert – trouble on Oa. This ain’t no training exercise, kids. This ain’t no drill. This is the real effing fucking deal.

“Who’s in charge?” Jordan asks. “Where’s Kilowog?”

He’s jacking off on the other side of the galaxy, sir. I’m Salaak and I’m the rootin’est tootin’est most senior Lantern here, by gum. John Stewart asks if Kilowog and his band of motherfuckers poked the spider nest with a stick while they were having a gay old time on Vega. Salaak agrees that they will have much to explain if they don’t show up Oa dead. “For now, the defense of the central battery is our prime concern.”

The Guardians are relying on the courage of the Corps to keep them safe, because (from what I can gather so far) the little blue guys are supremely useless at everything imaginable.

Suddenly, a non-Corps-sanctioned transluminal exit maneuver translight flare blinds the whole Corps, but it’s merely Gardner, Rayner, Natu, Kilowog, Vath, Isamot, and Linus from Peanuts flying in not at all dead (except for Linus, who was impaled by a stingray upon arrival). Salaak is not happy.

“You add disrespect for your superior to you misdemeanors, Lantern Gardner?” he gripes.

“Kilowog has my respect, Sal – and the rest of the Corps’! And only his ring has the capability to summon them all,” Gardner says. But Kilowog’s power is low, so he can only do so much.

This is exciting, isn’t it folks?

Most panels look like this, so if you can explain to me what’s going on that would be fan-fucking-tastic.

Kilowog directs all “poozers” — a Kilowogian racial slur, by the way – to the central battery. He doesn’t get much time over the intercom before his ring dies, so hopefully everyone was able to hear. But they did, and they’re worried.

“Have the Earthmen driven you mad, Kilowog? It’s insane to concentrate all our forces here,” complains Salaak, who is promptly told to like it or lump it. Kilowog tells him to trust the plan.

Guy Gardner things he’s King Tuff Shit and starts rallying the troops with words like “We’re the best in the business” and “We’re unstoppable if we just hug each other more”. So he directs everyone to put their rings forward toward the battery and recharge at the count of three: 1… 2… 3… 4… close enough.

While their rings charge, they say aloud that Green Lantern poem: “In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape our sight. Let those who worship evil’s might beware our power. GREEN LANTERNS’ LIGHT!”

After Kilowog slaps those bongos, everyone revels in their newly-recharged rings. “Now here’s the deal,” says Gardner. “These creeps are controlled from their nest in the Vega system, where we just came from. They got a subspace web, joined to Oa’s sun. They want to make the sun go nova and suck Oa into the black hole that’s left. So, forget the spiders, forget their ships. They’re just drones. We haveta destroy their nest.”

The plan is to stabilize the sun, feed a ton of energy back through to Vega to blow up the nest real good. Salaak calls this takeover from Gardner mutiny, but all the Green Lanterns are with him, including Hal “Air” Jordan and John “Jon Stewart” Stewart. Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah!

Then this happens, which I think might be good?

Spider Guild HQ instructs their little spidery brethren to destroy the Corps, because the Guardians will fall if the Corps falls. They blast yellow sun power onto Oa, which is now too yellow for the rings to work. Isamot tells everyone to fucking try harder as they all beat up spiders. And they push, push, push with green. Push with green. Beat the yellow by pushing with green.

And soon, the sun gets enveloped in green light, somehow. It gets so overwhelming the Spider Guild orders the spiders to sever the connection between the sun and Oa. Overload! Overload! Too much green! Ahhhhh!!

Then the sun disappears, but where? Gardner smiles, knowing that it just disappeared down the subspace web to the Vegan nest. That’s not good for the spiders, I reckon.

“Central accumulator meltdown,” reports the Guild. “Unable to offload excess. Containment fields breached.” They all start dying, and for every spider that dies the other alive spiders feel it! Ahhhhh! Booo! Dying sucks! Urrk!

The nest dies completely.

“Take care, Lanterns. Even in death, the Spider Guild is dangerous,” says Salaak, based on nothing.

The Guardians note that the immediate threat to their citadel has passed. Huzzah to the Corps, especially Gardner who really stepped up this time. Someone get him a celebratory Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese.

But there’s no time to get too complacent. “The time-space rift in the Polaris system now requires urgent investigation. Lantern Rayner’s destiny lies there. He and Kilowog must resume their involvement with all speed.” Whatever that means. Another Guardian asks Ganthet why the safety of Oa isn’t the utmost priority right now. Why do those blowjobs Rayner and Kilowog get special consideration? Ganthet is like “oh yeah, right”.

Yeah, I don’t really know. I give up.

The Corps celebrates their victory with hearty fist pumps and toothy smiles. Hal Jordan compliments Guy Gardner on his fabulous abs, then congratulates him on a job well done. Even Grumpy Salaak gives Gardner a grumpy thanks for his services, and struggles to additionally tell him that he’s promoted to Corps Honor Guard. This is something that Kilowog has to finish saying for Salaak. Salaak doesn’t like Gardner, I’m gathering. He hates him, you might even say. Loathes him. In fact, fuck the Corps. They should’ve all died just to spite Gardner!

“Your actions bordered on the mutinous,” Salaak says, busting up the mood again. “Incursion of the Vega system, reckless flying, unauthorized usurping of command, and disrespect for your superiors… accordingly, your home leave has been cancelled for the next year.”

Rayner tells Salaak to cancel his too, since he was with Gardner the whole time. This little scene doesn’t get resolved, but I expect that Salaak thumps Gardner over the head with his cane.

So now what? Oa is a wreck. There’s no sun. What do they do? Well, shit son, the Corps is only wounded. The Corps is going to come back stronger than ever in a day, or a few days, or a few years. Decades, maybe.

But, yeah? The sun? I dunno! lol

Final Thoughts

Yeah right, buddy.