Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6 – “Brightest Day”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan beats up Sinestro for a bit and then wins the fight.

Ganthet becomes Parallax’s new victim, and everyone else thinks they’re fucked. When Hal rounds up his fellow Green Lanterns with the intention of rendering the beast incapacitated, Batman and the other Justice League members are like “oh no you don’t”.

ONE ISSUE LEFT OF THIS LIMITED SERIES! Will Hal get that Salisbury steak TV dinner that he’s been wanting so badly? Time will tell, my friends!

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6 [May, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Brightest Day”

Nice cover. The Green Lanterns all think they’re so cool with the matching uniforms and magic decoder rings. Nothing that you can’t find in a cereal box, goddamnit. I keep buying all that cereal though and I haven’t found one yet. I don’t want to be in their club anyway.

“Batman believes in everything I don’t. Darkness and fear.”

The Dark Knight stands there demanding answers like he’s in charge of anything.

“I live off other things. Light and courage.”

Ganthet’s over there somewhere continuing to get painfully possessed by the Parallax, looking like a giant yellow mutant bug. It is determined that “everyone is getting infected but them”, but how they know this just standing there is beyond my meager-brained understanding.

Hal Jordan puts on his serious face. “Riots are breaking out in Los Angeles. Panicked cops are trigger-happy in Star City. Images are flickering in front of my eyes like a subliminal slideshow.”

Batman comes over to him like HEY, HAL JORDAN, COME INTO MY OFFICE. GO TO YOUR BEDROOM. MEET MY BY THE FLAGPOLE AT 3PM.

Then Jordan cracks him in the fucking face. Asshole deserved it.

Eat shit, Bruce Wayne! They should make more Alfred comics! THEY SHOULD MAKE MORE ALFRED COMICS!

After clocking Batman right in his handsome, cowled face, Jordan declares that he doesn’t have time to deal with this Justice League interference and instructs his fellow Lanterns to come hither.

“Did you see that?” Guy Gardner jubilates. “One punch. Y’know, Hal. I’ve always liked you.”

Jordan tells him to stuff it as they leave. Superman and Wonder Woman make sure their buddy is ok. “Arrogant as ever,” Batman croaks, hoisting himself up. “We need to regroup and take Parallax on oursel–”

BWOOSSH. That’s the sound of an explosion of green light right before all of their eyes! Superman! Wonder Woman! Shirtless guy! Supergirl! Batman with his 900 square inch cape. They all see two individuals emerge from the green light. I’m wondering if I should know who they are. I’m also wondering if I saw them already! Maybe I should start paying attention to what I’m reading, huh?

It’s a man and a woman. “Hal knows what he’s doing. Let the Corps handle this one.”

Yes, sir!

The Green Lanterns are flying around in formation as if they were drawn by a comic book artist for a comic book, if you know what I mean. “We can’t just rush in without a plan, Hal,” says a rather grumpy John Stewart. “I’ll have one by the time we get there,” says Hal with a grimaced twinge of “I got this *croak*”. Hal asks John if he trusts him.

YEAH, BUT–

Great! So that Ganthet guy mentioned that “preparations” were made on Oa for Parallax, but does anyone know what the fuck that means? Did they have a nice candlelit dinner all ready to go? Did they draw a nice, sexy bath? Maybe! But here’s a better theory that Hal cooked up: all their rings have a connection to the central battery, and this is how Parallax got to him in the first place. Open that connection back up and send him back to the battery! Sounds easy, right? Right? What do you mean I’m talking out of my ass? That’s a good plan! Rings, batteries, don’t you all get it? Never mind, ugh. You are all a buncha dummies.

My soul is spitty enough already, thanks.

“It’s gonna be like putting a tornado in a beer bottle!” says Guy Gardner, getting it. I guess. Everyone is at the ready for this tornado beer bottle thing. All they have to do is wait for Hal’s direction…

Huh? Oh… how about now? Now would be good.

So they all start doing their ring thing

-John Stewart’s constructs are “built from the inside out”. Nothing is hollow.

-Guy Gardner’s ring is like a “leaky water faucet”. His willpower can’t wait to be free.

-Kilowog’s ring is the only one that makes sound. “Like a cannon exploding.”

-Kyle Rayner’s constructs are like sketches that take form as he continues to fine-tune everything. “Kyle’s never satisfied. He’s an artist.”

Ah, ok, so everyone’s personalities come out in their own ring usage. I see. So Guy Gardner’s “leaky water faucet” sounds like someone is constantly jerking off. My own ring would have me sitting on my ass playing video games and writing a bunch of lengthy bullshit blog posts about comic books.

Let’s not forget Hal Jordan! His constructs are all about precision. Concentrated power. Focused ambitions. Get in, do the thing he needs to do, and get out. No flairs, no blares, no fuss, no muss. Bing bang boom. “Tangible glory.”

All five of them are shooting Green Lantern spooge right into Ganthet/Parallax’s huge, open mouth. Tangible glory.

They all chant their cute Green Lantern “Brightest Day/Blackest Night” poem while Ganthet continues leaking Sunny Delight all over everything.

“The air freezes around us. The vacuum of space opens up. I can feel the rings creating a pathway to the center of the universe.”

Wow, it sounds like these rings are pretty incredible, aren’t they? I wasn’t sold before, but I think I might be now? Green’s not my color, though. Gimme some Black Lanterns. Now there’s a color of light I can get behind!

“I WILL NOT BE IMPRISONED AGAIN,” Parallax shouts from within the blue little gnome Guardian, “NOT BY YOU.”

Then Yellow Fever unleashes some good old-fashioned wrath upon these Green Dorks.

Well, maybe y’all should’ve stayed home if you wanted to keep your insides and your eyeballs.

Also, Kyle Rayner goes deaf and Kilowog “falls”, which means Kilowog lucked out in that he only falls down. Guy Gardner over here has his organs cooked at 2300°F and Kilowog merely trips. How fair is that?

Hal is left standing, pointing his ring at the beast and contorting his features into a “nnffgg” face, so to speak. “Give up,” sneers the Parallax. “You failed once. You’ll fail again. Lay down and die. You’re weak. You’re scared. Give up now. Give up. Give up damn you!”

“I don’t know how.”

Ooooh, menacing. So positively badass. Terrifying.

Hal focuses his green beam at Parallax Ganthet’s cheek and yells for his team to snap out of it and help fight, god fucking damn it.

So they do, like they were never incapacitated in the first place. All these panels are lousy with green and yellow swirls of confusing shapes. I’m guessing that they’re handing Parallax’s ass to him. Ganthet/Parallax appears to breaking up, and the yellow light starts swirling into a giant green battery as if someone flushed a toilet. Which, who knows, maybe someone did! There’s certainly a turd involved, that’s for sure.

Kiss the ring, bitch.

“Brothers and Sisters,” speaks a member of the Guardians, surrounded by other fellow members of the Guardians. “It is time.”

Ganthet looks like a little baby slumbering at his mother’s TEAT. “Ganthet, can you hear me?” Hal nudges the sleepy little blue man. A bright green light (of course) begins radiating from the sleepy little blue baby. “…you…you have all done well.”

The group is like “yeah baby”. And, against what he said earlier, Guy Gardner really did miss the ring! How sweet. He tongues it for a bit.

No point in celebrating. The buzzkill Justice League is here again. The standoff is led by Batman. He scowls at Hal. Hal scowls right back.

“Do you expect me to believe this? That you were influenced? Possessed? Is that what Parallax was? An outside force that–”

Hal cuts the batty man off. “I don’t expect you to believe anything. And quite honestly, I don’t care.”

WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP! Take that, Batman! You don’t need to control everything all the time, you arrogant sack of dog bones. Go slap Robin around if you want to release some of that pent-up aggression! He will just tell everyone he fell down the stairs again.

“Is that a problem,” John asks the Bat, stepping in.

Awkward silence.

Awkward silence.

Grab a snack. More awkward silence.

“Not right now, John. I suppose… I suppose this universe needs a little more light anyway,” Batman concedes. They all have a happy, tearful hug. The Green Lantern group smiles at each other like Batman is the Pope and they just got his much-needed blessing.

TERREBONNE PARISH, LOUISIANA. BELLE REVE PRISON. We haven’t seen this since Issue #1. The prisoner, a drooling huge-headed baby with a Salvador Dali mustache, who is for all intents and purposes a vegetable, thinks some thoughts. Some real lowdown thoughts, man.

“Congratulations, my friends. What a wonderful tale of the human condition. I know it well, yes. I’ve listened to all of them across the globe. Rage. Sorrow. Depression. Fear. Though I never knew you had it in you, Mr. Rayner. And Captain Jordan. My precious, precious Jordan. You’ve found your way here. And won’t it be ever so delicious and exciting – when they find their way back, too. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.”

Sounds like we got another bad guy on the horizon! He looks like Hal Jordan could punt him across town like a little drooling football, though, but maybe he can think some really mean thoughts that will make Hal cry a lot. Maybe something along the lines of “your dad is dead, you insufferable pussy”.

I’m gonna write a book about my epic adventures and get on Dr. Phil!

Looks like everything has been wrapped up in a nice package, except for this prison guy, but Hal catches up with Carol Ferris at the airfield. Carol asks him if he remembers anything while he was some weird, possessed spirit of a man. He claims that it felt like an out-of-body experience. He wasn’t in control, he was like an observer. Sorry about that and everything.

OK, well, at least we all closed the book on that chapter. Glad you’re not dead, Hal, because Carol needs someone to fly some planes for her. There isn’t a single pilot worth a damn in all of Northern California. This Gil guy that Carol was talking to on the phone at the beginning of this miniseries, she and he are going to try settling down. Rebuy this ramshackle airfield. Start a family. Go on adventures like little scamps. She tells Hal to take care of himself and they hug.

They’re going to bone later. OR, are these one of those “will they won’t they” couples where the answer is always, always, ALWAYS “won’t”? Oh wait, I know the answer!: I don’t care.

We end in Star City, the home of Ollie “Green Arrow” McFadden O’Reilly McGillicuddy Schweinhorst. Hal makes a visit to his dear friend who also has “Green” in his superhero name.

“So, after all this, what’s next?” Ollie asks. And next? Next, Hal starts living his life again. A much needed respite from not living his life is a great idea, isn’t it? He’s going to start doing some of that.

Ollie finds what he’s looking for. The lantern that he grabbed from the Ferris Airfield shortly after Hal got possessed. Hal’s lantern. Hal’s power battery.

Hal powers up his ring. Ah yes, that’s the stuff right there.

“You know,” Ollie says, looking completely banged up and near death, “I still can’t remember that damn oath.”

Hal chuckles. “I’ll never forget it.”

Final Thoughts

Yeah, I like this. I’m looking forward to digging into more of Geoff Johns’ Green Lantern arc. It’s likely going to be the only Green Lantern I’ll be reading for a long while, so if you hate Geoff Johns and his Green Lantern stories then I suggest clicking that X button at the top of your browser and– heh heh, PLEASE don’t do that. I need all the webpage hits I can get. My family is trying to live off of rain water and styrofoam packing peanuts.