Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “No Fear”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan is back, baby! There’s some reminiscing about when he first became a Green Lantern, reminiscing about joining the Air Force, reminiscing about Coast City, and then running into a hot pilot named Captain Jillian Pearlman! The seeds of Geoff Johns’ “epic run”, as it’s called, have been sowed.

There’s also a Terminator-type robot guy killing people. We’ll get to that soon too.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [August, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“No Fear”

Welcome to a desert in the middle of nowhere! The Terminator-type guy is walking slowly down the right lane of the only road within 8,000,000 miles. A bus approaches, and instead of easily going around him on this desolate highway, the driver decides to stay close behind and holler at him. Stuff like “We got a schedule to keep!” and “Hey buddy! You need a lift or somethin’?” and “Wham bam, thank you ma’am!”

“SIGNIFICANT LIFE SIGNS REGISTERED. TOTAL COUNT: SEVENTY-THREE. SECONDARY DIRECTIVE ACTIVE. TERMINATE ALL LIFE.”

He lifts up his hand and BAKOOM! He blows the bus up into a millions pieces of shrapnel and skeleton bones!

With that taken care of, Terminator walks away from the smoldering pile of what used to be a bus. He passes by a sign that indicates a 17-mile drive to Edwards Air Force Base. “PRIMARY DIRECTIVE REINSTATED. LOCATE PREDECESSOR. NOTIFYING THE GRANDMASTER. CLOSE ENCOUNTER IMMINENT.”

Exciting! This guy is going to blow everyone up at the base! He’s going to be like “Hi there, Colonel! BAKOOM!” and “Nice to see you, General! “BAKOOM!” Just an endless stream of BAKOOMs. BAKOOMs all around.

Speaking of Edwards Air Force Base, Hal Green Jordan Lantern is informing Captain Jillian “Hot Blonde” Pearlman that there is a U.F.O. under the hood of the jet she was piloting. Which is cuckoo bananas, one might say. I wouldn’t say that, but you might.

It’s fresh Jell-O.

Hal zaps his ring at the U.F.O. to analyze its composition or whereabouts or how much free space is left on its hard drive. While he does this, Pearlman touches both his shoulder and his side to bend down to get a closer look. Very slick, lady! She burns her hand on his green shoulder, but comments that his black side is cold. The green part isn’t fabric, lady. That’s the only explanation he gives her.

Scanning complete. “Scramjet manufactured within three radius miles. Inlet design Australian in origin. Combustion chamber extraterrestrial in origin. Space sector unknown.”

There is something strangely familiar about the design, Hal observes. Maybe he helped build this thing in Sector 7G during his MOON MISSIONS or whatever it is Green Lanterns do in their respective sectors. I imagine there are a lot of moon missions. Why not? There are a lot of moons, after all.

A man named General Stone rides up to the scene. Captain Pearlman. And… Green Lantern. It appears the reports of your death were wrong.” What’s up with everyone’s obsession over Hal Jordan dying. So he didn’t die, big whoop. People don’t die every day.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Stone says, extending a hand. Jordan just frowns as a response. Methinks there’s some bad blood between these two, except for the part where Stone said “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I thought people knew the identities of the Green Lanterns? We’re shown a flashback of a confrontation Hal Jordan had with General Stone back in the day. Here’s the gist: Hal Jordan went nuts in the air, almost killing himself and another pilot while doing being a sky-high Evel Knievel. General Stone is like “I owe your dad a lot, so I’m not kicking you out of the Air Force,” and Hal Jordan responds in kind by punching him right in the face. Seems very excessive to me, but I’ve never been in the Air Force. Perhaps this is just how they greet each other warmly!

Bazinga!

General Stone commands the test flight center now, which I think I might have to capitalize now that I’ve written it out. You can’t go back and fix these things, you know. This means Hal Jordan will never get back in until Stone gives his stamp of approval. Never gonna happen.

Stone instructs Pearlman to hop in his jeep to get a ride to the hospital. The jet will be taken to Engineering for repairs. When Pearlman asks him what she was flying, he responds with a hearty “It’s classified.”

“It’s extra-terrestrial,” Jordan butts in. Stone thanks him for his assistance, icily, but the Air Force will take it from here. Good day.

Remember the knuckleheads that were transporting the truck with the tarp? They’re on a lonely desert road – perhaps the same lonely desert road where a certain Terminator blew up a certain bus! – when one notices that the wall behind their seats is really hot. Plus, there’s some kind of moaning going on in the back there. It’s really unsettling. It sounds like someone’s rickety old grandpa.

“We’re under strict orders to get there by thirteen hundred,” says the driver. “Whether we’re hot or sick or, in your case, crazy. So please stop.”

Ugh, fine. Just remember, one they dump this truck off at the Air Force base it becomes General “Hangin’ with Aliens” Stone’s problem. So zip it.

On the scene at Barstow, California, where Terminator done blew up the diner, John Stewart and some state police officers are assessing the situation with John’s own special glow-in-the-dark ring. There is no trail, no evidence, and all the readings are scattered. Hope that helps, gentlemen.

Hal calls him on the ring phone. John’s gonna check out the tour bus “crash”. Hal Jordan is gonna hang out at his apartment! The duties are split evenly, and this is exactly the way it should be.

Jim Jordan (again, NOT the shitty congressman) is looking at an old photo in Hal’s apartment, reminiscing, eating all the food in the house. “I’m sorry I had to fly out like that,” Hal apologizes, making sure he put emphasis on the “fly” part of his sentence for a humorous effect! Jim’s going to head back home, but he’s hoping that Hal will join him. First Dad, then Mom, then Hal? Jim is terrified of losing his family, and now that Hal’s back he wants to hang onto for dear life.

Hey, your dad was Ronald Reagan!

“Where were you, Hal?”

“It’s a long story, Jim.”

Well, sit back and tell it, Hal! We have dozens of Green Lantern issues to get through here goddamnit!

Nope!

“What matters now is that I’m here.”

Ugh! Cop out!

Jim tells Hal about how bummed Mom was when he joined the Air Force, and Hal already knows that. She wouldn’t even talk to him, Jim. She wouldn’t even open her mouth and say words at him. “She was on her death bed and she wouldn’t talk to me,” he says, scratching his chin delicately. “Not until I quit…”

Exactly! Quitting! Quitting is the noble thing to do! Give up the Air Force, the ring, and everything it all stands for and move to Sacramento with Jim so you can be really boring and get an office job selling paper clips to other paper clip companies.

Nope!

“I won’t live in fear, Jim. I can’t.”

Cop out!

Later, Hal returns to the base to speak with Col. Shane Sellers. He wants to speak with him about General “Herc” Stone. The “Herc” part is real, I didn’t make that up and give him the nickname of that guy from The Wire. Sellers is like “just fucking apologize, Hal, and get it over with you colossal dingus”. Hal doesn’t care about that, he wants to know what else Stone does besides run the Test Center (I capitalized it that time!).

The plane, it’s weird, Sellers. Very strange. Strange stuff, Sellers. It’s not of Earth, see? Extra-terrestrial. Skyward. From Mars, see? From Mars, Sellers. Strange, strange stuff.

“The X-2020? It’s been in development for years,” Sellers explains. “It’s supposed to be the fastest jet on Earth.”

Yeah, well, there’s a dang U.F.O. inside it! How’s that for development? And Stone is charge of the test flights. Sellers points to Hangar 44, a top secret hangar that requires major clearance to get to. We’re talking blowjobs for every private guarding the thing. Real sloppy ones, too, or else it’s back to square one.

They walk toward the truck with the tarp…

“Listen, when you talk to General Stone… you need to do something I don’t think I’ve seen you do,” Sellers says. And we can all guess what that is! Get your head out of your ass, Hal Jordan. It’s cavernous and you could get lost for days in there. “Admit you made a mistake. And tell him why you did it.” Sellers is going to set up a meeting with Hal and Stone tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your chin out of the rain. Or something.

It’s either ALF or it’s Roger from American Dad. Both are terrifying, but I’d rather take my chances with ALF.

Hal’s ring starts getting kooky and scans the immediate area for threats. The two men in the truck look like they’re suffering from heat exhaustion… and then a fist punches through the wall and right between the backs of their heads. They run out of the car hollerin’. They don’t get very far.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOMM

Truck explodes. Men die. The full circle of life.

…NO… …M-M-MAN… …ESCAPES…

This particular Terminator dude looks worse for wear. One arm missing below the elbow. A chunk of his hip gone. A piece of a calf. He looks like he needs a hug, honestly.

Jim Jordan leaves Coast City while a news report airs that Coast City rebuilding could be halted as early as next year due to low residency and tourism, despite all the funding from mofos like Bruce Wayne. “Sorry bro,” Jim says as he cruises the fuck on out of there.

TIME TO FIGHT A TERMINATOR. Hal Jordan’s ring has finished scanning. “Manhunter. Three point three billion years in age. Member of an android race created by the Guardians of the universe. Predecessors of the Green Lantern Corps. The Manhunters were determined unreliable for space patrol. Flaw found within basic artificial intelligence core unit. The manhunters feel no emotion. Programming inefficient to replicate courage, compassion, or fear.”

Whoops, sounds like a major SNAFU to me, Guardians. I’m starting to really think you guys all suck ass. They tried to neutralize and exile all the Manhunters, but, like, heh heh, well…

The point of origin of this particular Manhunter is BIOT, the Manhunter homeworld. Its location is unknown. Try the Sector located next to Space Denny’s.

The ring advises Hal to destory the Manhunter, but he’s like “no shit, Sherlock” and it’s much easier said than done.

Case in point:

Get back out there and FIGHT, wuss!

It takes a second for Hal to realize he’s been blasted right into Hangar 44 and the alarms are going haywire. He sees a sleek ship parked and then he says something that means absolutely nothing to me: “My god… that ship… that’s Abin Sur’s ship. Reconstructed and rebuilt—”

He doesn’t have much more time to dwell on these thoughts. Manhunter collects his loose wires and wraps them around Hal’s scrawny pencil neck. “N-NO M-MAN …ESCAPESSS… THE MANHUNTERS.”

Yeah, well, Hal ain’t no man, all right! Carol Ferris can tell you that one. This is when the Mr. Bald Guy walks in, the OG Terminator, the one who destroyed the bus and the diner. “I don’t recognize him,” Hal thinks. “Must be some new superhero that appeared while I was gone.”

OG Terminator senses the green ring and lifts his burny hand. “SYSTEMS THREATENED.” Oh snap! That’s not good, right? *checks notes* Nope, not good!

He blasts Hal with some of that fiery energy, but he merely gets thrown back a bit.

“PREDECESSOR FOUND,” OG Terminator says, pointing toward Manhunter. “PROGRAM RUNNING… Manhunter 1988.2814. You are of original design. Flawed. Old. Obsolete. By order of the Grandmaster – you must be terminated.”

OG Terminator throws him against a wall. Now, bear with me here: OG Terminator is the first Terminator in the story. Manhunter, while original, is not the OG Terminator. Keep up.

Hal tries to Green Ring this bitch, but it doesn’t work. He gets thrown back again. All it did was destroy OG’s camouflage. It melts away and reveals his barely more frightening form. “SPACE SECTOR 2814 BELONGS TO US. IT BELONGS TO THE MANHUNTERS. AND NOTHING ESCAPES THE MANHUNTERS.”

Final Thoughts

There are only four issues left in the story, so methinks Hal and the rest of Sector 2814 escapes the Manhunters! Call it a hunch.