Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #8 – “A Perfect Life (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Mongul has blown up the Justice League’s moon watchtower! But he dies on Earth, sending his son into a fury! He vows to conquer Earth, just as his dad has always wanted, and he starts by planting a field of parasitic death plants on an Ohio farm that wraps around its host and kills them slowly while causing them to live out their fondest desires.

Well, sir. During a tussle, Hal Jordan and Green Arrow get wrapped up by these murderous plants! Son of Mongul celebrates the first step of his conquering endeavors! What’s next for Earth? Death plants for all?? Read on, ladies and germs.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #8 [March, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“A Perfect Life (Part 2)”

Green Arrow is beatin’ up bad guys with his son in Star City, a situation that has surely been induced by being wrapped up and poisoned by a parasitic death plant. After a full day of rasslin’, they return home where Green Arrow’s wife has finished making the finest chili in town! The baby has been kicking in her belly something fierce today. One big happy family! *farts about reality*

Meanwhile, a literal swarm of Green Lanterns flies to try to defeat one yellow guy. Yellow is the enemy of Green, you see, and apparently it takes an army of Green to give a swirlie to one puny little Yellow nerd. But it does, and Sinestro leads the fight. Too bad everyone’s power levels are at 2% because the central power battery is broken. This actually is a huge problem, and there is no solution right now except either a) get a USB cable and plug the rings into a computer, or b) get some lithium-ion batteries, the ones that explode on airplanes. Eventually, after a litany of panels, Sinestro KRRAAKKOOOMs this yellow guy out of existence, so it would seem.

“For once, I thought I’d lead the troops,” Hal Jordan gripes.

“Your instincts are righteous, Jordan,” Sinestro says. “Your actions valiant. Never let yourself believe I am not more than proud to call you my protege–”

Friends with Korugar Hitler? I mean, it’s tempting, but–

Of course, Hal Jordan is having his own death plant-addled hallucinations. After a hearty bout against the enemy, he enjoys an evening in the bustling Coast City with his family. Hal made it to his nephew’s birthday! Mom asks Hal when he’s going to settle down! “As soon as I find someone as perfect as you, Mom.” Ha ha! What a card! Then dear ol’ dad shows up! Let’s go flying, son!

So they do. And in the air, Dad wonders what’s on Hal’s mind. “We’ve been in the air for more than twenty minutes. Normally you’d be begging to do a tailslide right now.”

Hal doesn’t know what’s wrong. Dad disagrees. “It’s just… I got this bad feeling, Dad. Something’s wrong.” Yeah, I know what’s wrong. Narcotic nanospores are swimming through Hal’s bloodstream right now. But Dad has some sage advice: “The worst thing you can do – the absolute worst – is waste your time being afraid that something good will end. You gotta enjoy every minute of it.

Oh, he’s enjoying it all right.

Son of Mongul, aka Mongul (I guess), has his own little walkie-talkie device and requests activation of his DNA locator. While he tries activating his star gate, Green Arrow continues having his own blissful, pre-prepared situation. He and his son are running through the hospital looking for his delivering wife. She’s doing just fine, you know. Couldn’t be better. Having a baby is roses and gravy.

Once the baby is delivered, the nurse hands Green Arrow his new son. A twinge of doubt sparks across his mind. “…this isn’t right. This isn’t–”

A sudden sense of a death plant wrapped around him plagues his brain, and then it’s gone as quickly as it happened. “Dad?” asks Connor. But Green Arrow crumbles to the floor whining about not being who he is. “This isn’t my life,” he says.

Then everyone in the room disappears as awareness creeps through. “Dammit, I remember… Hal… Hal? Where are you?”

Here’s where Hal is: he’s running into turbulence and thunderstorms up in the air. Out of nowhere, too. It’s weird. And as Hal’s dad tries to get out of it, Hal sees a violet apparition above him. “Hal!” screams Green Arrow. “Wake up!”

Hal gets launched out of the plane and starts falling, falling, falling…. falling, falling… … … falling… some more falling…

Now he’s a kid again, watching his dad crash his fiery plane into a field during a demonstration. “Dad! NO!”

All this trauma has stirred Hal awake, and he rips the plant off his body. Green Arrow had already tossed off his own pretty parasitic flowers. “Mornin’, Sleepyhead,” he says coyly. Then there are a couple exchanges of “you’re a good father” and “you’re a good, um, Hal”.

Ugh, you again? Butt out. This whole situation doesn’t concern you.

“Ring, what’s Mongul doing to these people?”

“Schematics suggest bioelectric collection. Continued exposure and drainage will result in death.”

A couple of hapless dudes are on the ground writhing with blissed-out agony. “We need to get them free–” says Green Arrow, but then Mongul shows up to the party again to take a big shit on the cake. And speaking of shit cakes, here are two consecutive panels:

a) There’s a violet boom.

b) Green Arrow says “Mongul’s sister.”

c) Hal Jordan says “Looks like she teleported here.”

Cool, right? That’s your magic Geoff Johns writing that made this series so famous! Mongul’s sister has a long flowing mane of burgundy hair and boobs ‘til Tuesday. “Brother,” she addresses Mongul (her brother). “I’ve been looking for you.”

They establish that they both have been looking for each other. Then they fight because Mongul is trying to take all the glory for himself. “You kids play nice now,” Green Arrow says before he and Jordan attack them rather loudly in the middle of this quiet farm. Mongul gets upset at this intrusion, demanding that they are left alone to discuss this family matter in private. Then he remembers that he’s Mongul, so he gets back to the task at hand: “I’ll tear the skin from your skull and suck the eyes out of your sockets. And I’ll do the same to every man, woman, and child on this planet.” He lifts the entire farmhouse over his head. “The planet that murdered my father.”

The fighting is profuse and, dare I say, rather rude! Mongul throws Jordan across the field. Green Arrow shoots an ice arrow through Sister of Mongul’s arm. Mongul punches Green Arrow through the roof of the house.

Things are getting tense!

Kids, stop fighting. There are plenty of people to murder for everyone.

Green Arrow shoots a few right through her titties.

Oh, I see it now. Mongul activated the star gate and that’s why Mongul’s sister, Colonel Jack O’Neill, Daniel Jackson, and T’ealc emerged out of it. Well, Hal Jordan asks his ring nicely to sever all the death plant fines and activate the gate. Quick as a wink, the Monguls get transported back to Space Sector 2811, the Cygnus star system, Debstam IV, from whence they came.

Mongul is furious at this and punches the teeth right out of his sister’s head. “Family is a weakness. And I will have no weakness. Goodbye, Sister.”

And that’s the end of that chapter!

Morning begins to rise. Jordan and Green Arrow observe the ravaged scene while the cops and paramedics do their thing. The two of them discuss conversationally how real their respective hallucinations felt. “I thought I could handle it,” says Jordan. “I never got a chance to say goodbye to any of them.”

Green Arrow reminds him that at least he still has a family. He just blew them off like an asshole in order to find one of the worst villains to ever grace Sector 8y32499873g.

Hal takes this to heart and shows up to his loser nephew’s empty birthday party. Everyone is like “no way, he actually showed up, this guy”. Hal gets Howard (which is not a real name of anybody’s nephew) a football. Time to throw the ol’ pigskin around. Break a few bones. Just like old times!

Green Arrow is inspired to call his own son. “Connor? It’s… it’s Dad. You hungry?”

Yeah, that’s a good way to rekindle a relationship that’s been broken for 75 years. “You hungry?”

Final Thoughts

Fuck them death plants! Fuck that Mongul! And, while we’re at it, fuck Hal Jordan and Green Arrow! Sorry, I got carried away there for a second. I thought I was reading a Superman comic.