Invincible, Issue #6

* Part 2 of 4 of the Eight of Enough storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Invincible, Issue #6! In the previous installment, Invincible fights a space cyclops who was just doing his job as a “champion evaluation officer”. He travels to planets and makes sure their defenders – champions – are up to the task. Earth isn’t on the list, unfortunately. The space cyclops was making a mistake for 15 years.

All in all, Mark stopped the space cyclops and impressed his dad. Dad was so impressed, in fact, that he’s a little bitter about it! So we’ll see some tension there, I’m sure.

Mark also stuck his penis in an electrical socket, but I won’t speak on that.

Invincible, Issue #6 [October, 2003]
Written by: Robert Kirkman

Mark and Dad are playing catch in the sky. Their backs are against each other, so the ball is actually orbiting the whole Earth with each throw! Knocking out airplanes in the process, too. Downing Malaysian planes, never to be seen again.

Dad talks about how he got suckered into getting pulled through a portal in the previous storyline. It amounts to this: “they” put a chip in his head which made him more vulnerable! Whoops! Thanks for sewing up a plot thread, sir.

But here’s what Dad really wants to talk about: Mark yelled “DAD!” as he was being pulled through the portal. This is some bad news, since they now know that you, Mark, are the Son of a Dad. It’s all over the news now in a few countries. No footage, just eyewitness accounts from hillbillies and toothless old farmers. Still, Mark may encounter some villains soon that will use him to get at Dad. Best be on your guard at all times.

Mark is waiting for his friend William so they can meet at Upstate University for an appointment (janitor job interview for the most pukey of residence halls).

Mark disrobes just as William knocks on his front door. William is wearing a shirt that says “Take it Brandon” which is the most anti-Joe Biden t-shirt on the market today. Time for these two lovebirds to take a trip to Upstate University, which is located downstate somewhere.

Mustache rides are $15 dollars today, baby.

Now that Mark is gone for the day, Mom and Dad are gonna spend their afternoon fuckin’. Meanwhile, Mark’s superhero team are having a meeting without him atop a suspension bridge tower. Robot called the meeting to discuss his invitation to audition for the Guardians of the Globe, the most prestigious of superhero committees! Robot has been fighting crime for four years now with these loser teenagers and, although they’re dang good at it, maybe, it’s time to move on to “bigger” and “better” things.

“Oh Robot – that’s great!” says Atom Eve.

“Yeah man… well done!” says Rex Splode.

Robot continues talking about how great he is and how he will definitely get in. However, the Teen Team will now be disbanded! Robot cannot oversee two teams at once! Get the fuck out!

Robot’s team take turns giving the rusty pile of bolts a hug. I’m sure everything will be allllll right!

Elsewhere, in some fancy-pants mansion, a guy’s butler hands him an old-timey rotary phone on a silver platter. Over the phone to an unknown confidant, this guy rants about how he has been dropped from the Guardians of the Globe after losing his powers – his ability to eat ice cream without farting and shitting all over the place. “I need this suit…” he says, presumably talking about a super-suit with which he can be super again. “I’ve got to get back in the game… I’ve got to take back my life.”

But he has to wait two days, and that’s just plumb unacceptable! But he has to wait anyway. Like a dog.

Take it from me, bud. Most of them are packin’ mace.

Mark and William arrive at the college, and they have ten minutes to get to a place and they don’t even know what place it’s supposed to be, let alone where it even is. William thinks it’s the admissions office, so they weave their way through sultry college girls in order to get there.

The two are meeting up with a Mrs. Thatcher, a big ol’ Margaret if I ever knew one. Thatcher’s assistant is a sneery, pouty kid who looks like he needs a face full of fist for breakfast. He asks if William prefers to go by Bill, and William says no, and then the kid gets all sneery and pouty about it. Like he needs a kick to the nards for lunch. William spends the next page whining about correcting people in this manner, which doesn’t seem at all relevant or important to anything going on. Not enough to devote a whole dadgum page to it, for criminy’s sake.

Back at Mark’s home, his parents just got done with a rousing session of unlubricated anal sex. They celebrate by doing more sex. Mom makes a thinly veiled premature ejaculation joke. We all laugh at Dad’s expense.

Now the boys are meeting up with Rick Sheridan, a jocky kid who will be showing them some of the residence halls! Drunk guys passed out in the hallways, extremely anti-Semitic epithets spraypainted on the walls, and RAs with backwards hats.

The day is over. Mark and William discuss their impressions with the place. Mark already decided to come to Upstate University anyway, but it’s pretty cool besides. William says “it’ll keep me off the street”, which is fairly good display of brimming self-esteem.

Mark and William hang out on a bench for a bit until a motherfucking skull robot blasts through the wall behind them.

STOP, DROP, AND ROLL, BITCH! DO YOU HAVE EARS? THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

A security officer tries to meekly stop the skull robot, but he gets pushed out of the way. INVINCIBLE SHOWS UP OUT OF NOWHERE to be all like “hold it right there!” The robot grabs his neck and launches him in the sky. Well, I’ll tell you something, that there just pissed Invincible right off!

…but, once the throng of people gets out of the menace’s way, he just speeds away. Invincible supposes that he just needed to get through everyone to go somewhere. Anyway, crisis averted! Invincible goes away, and then Mark comes back to tell William that he was looking for someone to help. Nice try, bucko.

“Dude… why did you tell me you had superpowers?” William asks. Cat’s out of the bag now, fucker.

It’s evening now. Dad’s in the middle of fucking Mom when he hears the car door shut in the driveway. They get their clothes on and pretend to watch TV when Mark enters the house, but he’s wise to the deception. Mom’s shirt is on backwards. Now he knows they’ve been fucking for hours. “I’ll be upstairs until I move out,” Mark says.

Dad gets a call from his costume tailor, so he AS OMNI-MAN pays a visit with his son Mark AS INVINCIBLE in tow. The guy on the phone from earlier, the one that was like “waaaah, muh powers”? The tailor has been trying to make a suit that would restore his (Black Samson) powers. Well, the suit is gone. The suit is gone and now he’s going to get fired from his Guardians of the Globe contract! What’s a lowly tailor supposed to do now, huh?

You can always plummet off of a bridge, my good man.

The tailor’s store isn’t common knowledge, he doesn’t deal with supervillains, and he was knocked out cold before he could see who it was. Chalk this one up to a total fucking failure on his part. It was probably Black Samson, though, since that guy was a sweaty mess over the phone at the thought of having to wait two days for his suit. I’m looking forward to Black Samson’s redemption arc in about 56 issues.

Finally, Atom Eve returns at night to the suspension bridge tower, the Teen Team’s secret meeting place, apparently. It’s quiet. Dark. She sees something she doesn’t like. She says “no” a lot. She cries. The comic is over.