Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #14 – “Crushed (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 3 of the Crushed storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #14 – “Crushed (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Kamala becomes re-acquainted with a boy named Kamran whom she hasn’t seen since she was about five years old. He’s super attractive now, is very smart and into a lot of nerd shit, and Kamala fawns all over him.

During an outing, supervised by Aamir because a boy and a girl together alone will cause hellfire to burst from the ground and rain upon everyone in the universe, a weird Inhuman villain named Kaboom promises anarchy in Jersey City. Kamala becomes Ms. Marvel and almost punches her to death, literally, which freaks her the fuck out. When Kamran finds Kamala again, he pulls her aside to an alley to talk. She spills the beans about being a weird Inhuman freak. He reveals that he, too, is a weird Inhuman freak.

They will be weird Inhuman freaks together! Dawwww! *gags*

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #14 [June, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Crushed (Part 2)”

We pick up RIGHT where we left off! Jersey City, New Jersey of course. Not like Gotham City or Metropolis or Saskatchewan or some other made-up place. Kamran and Kamala are still grasping hands, which would make Aamir shit his stupid pants right there on the street. “You… you’re Inhuman too?” Kamala boggles.

“All this time I thought I was alone…” she thinks. “That I was the only nerdy Pakistani-American-Slash-Inhuman in the entire universe.”

Kamran is like, yeah, I’m Inhuman too. What up?

He explains that it happened when his family moved back to Jersey City. He was unpacking boxes, he had the window open, then the mist came through the window. Long story short, his life was ruined forever! Kamala jumps for joy. They totally have this in common! Let’s celebrate with a little bit of penis in vagina and–

“HEY!” Aamir comes stomping to the alley. “First of all, that was way longer than ‘talking for two seconds’, and second of all, totally not cool.”

Kamran apologizes at the irate Aamir. Kamala yells at Aamir to mind his own beeswax. Aamir frumps and grumps and they all leave the alley together before the media circus arrives. Kaboom is getting strapped to a stretcher and loaded into an ambulance, moaning and groaning. She has a slipped disc, so lol.

Not often enough, if you ask me.

Later, Kamala sits cross-legged on her bed thinking about the long, weird, eventful, hormone-fueled day she just had… then her attention gets jolted by a pebble thrown at her window. It’s Kamran! Come out and play, he says! Sneak out of your house, he says! Go to Muslim Hell for your inevitable sinning, he says!

Kamala gets mad. Isn’t Kamran supposed to be some sort of rule-following goody-two-shoes mama’s boy? What the fuck is this bullshit?

Kamala gets less mad and hops out of the window. After a few pleasantries, Kamran grabs her hand. She looks at the grasped hands dreamily. “Come on, there’s something I want to show you,” he says, five nanoseconds away from unzipping his pants. He leads her to the top of a wooden water tower where they sit and admire the “lovely” Jersey City skyline. “It’s so beautiful up here,” Kamala says. “It’s like… it’s like a painting, only smoggier.”

“I think I might be in love,” she thinks to herself.

“I can’t believe I’ve never been up here before,” she tells Kamran, floored that she has never been on a water tower viewing the buildings before. “I thought I knew this whole city like the back of my hand.”

“Sometimes you need to see a place through new eyes in order to understand what you’ve missed,” Kamran responds seductively. Then they look at each other for about 45 minutes.

Yeah, show me your dick powers. Your dick powers, please.

Kamran shows Kamala his, erhm, powers. He turns into a swirling, invisible boy.

“Does it… do anything?” she asks him, poking him right in the forehead. “The glow? Or is it just, you know, mood lighting?”

“Yeah, it does stuff. Give me something you don’t care about and I’ll show you.”

“Does a dried-out old pen work?”

“Perfect. Check this out. Abra-cadabra.”

BOOM! Kamran throws the pen in the air and it explodes in a burst of flaming plastic pen shrapnel! Sort of. Pretty cool, nonetheless. Let’s try it with a cat next time.

Kamala is reminded of Kaboom, who had a similar kind of thing going on there. She frowns, remembering sadly that she totally almost murdered this woman. “Even though she was attacking other people… I feel pretty gross about it.” Kamran tells her not to feel bad. Kaboom picked a fight with the wrong mofo! He leans in for a kiss… She leans in for a kiss…

I’d laugh if Aamir came stomping up the water tower right now. It doesn’t happen though, unfortunately. What happens, though, is a fucking pig cop shines a flashlight on them. “Hey! This tower is on condemned property! You kids get down from there!”

A real mood killer, this piece of shit police officer. Kamran grabs Kamala’s hand and they run away. “I’ve broken more rules in the last twelve hours than in the previous sixteen years of my life combined… and it feels pretty great,” she thinks.

Is it implied that Kamran and Kamala kissed and boned? It’s the next morning already; I’m sure they kissed and boned. Aamir and Kamala are on the corner of Coles St. and Montgomery (you know the place), and Aamir is all fancied up for a job interview! Bruno meets up on the corner and calls Aamir “sharp” Daddio. Bruno notices that Kamala looks like she went to bed five minutes ago and woke up four minutes ago, to which Kamala rubs her eyes vigorously and grimaces exaggeratedly like a comic book character.

A job interview for what? Transponder at the Butt Factory? Not even a real thing, Aamir! You’ve been conned!

Kamran pulls up in his fancy car! Kamala jumps at the opportunity to get a ride while Aamir says some nonsense like “you guys are going to Super Double-Secret Hell for this”. Bruno opts to continue waiting for the bus in order to not be a cockblockin’ secretly-in-love-with-Kamala-type spaz.

Bruno asks Aamir what the fuck just happened. Aamir tells him that they only met yesterday. Bruno wonders why the fuck Kamala is getting rides from guys she only met yesterday. Aamir brings Bruno up to speed. “Kamala has known him for approximately ten minutes and she’s gone totally bonkers.”

“You mean… she likes him?” Bruno says, mouth agape, catching flies. He starts gibbering while Aamir facepalms. “Look. Okay. So – okay. Let’s have this conversation,” Aamir says to Bruno, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You and Kamala. It’s not gonna happen.”

Bruno takes a second to let this sink in and then asks Aamir what he’s talking about heh heh heh. So, look geek, their parents think Bruno is aces. Great guy. Lovely to be around. Like a nephew. They’d never be ok with a romantic intertwining of their daughter. First of all, you’re a white piece of shit. Second of all, shave your weird little teenager goatee.

Bruno mulls this over and shrinks a little. He knows that, deep down, but he just thought that maybe… possibly… someday… you know?… uh…

Aamir reminds them that they’re both stupid teenagers. Plus, he’s an Italian Catholic and she’s a Pakistani Muslim. Not exactly compatible. Bruno argues that this isn’t true – they’re very compatible, and… yeah, never mind. Aamir puts his hand on Bruno’s shoulder and says “tough titties, pal. She’s going to marry a Pakistani Muslim. End of story. Unless Abu and Ammi die! Until then, though, give up, son.”

After going into a whole spiel about passing down heritage and pride to grandchildren, Aamir tells Bruno that if he loved her he would want those things for her.

“But — I can’t not love her. I’ve tried,” Bruno whines.

“It was never gonna be easy, Bruno,” Aamir says as he boards a bus. “Love never is.”

*wacky transition music plays*

This is called a heel turn, kiddo! Look out!

Kamala is totally in a car alone with a boy! Far out, man! “I’ve never been driven to school before by somebody who wasn’t a first-degree biological relative,” she fawns. Then she realizes that Kamran isn’t driving toward the school. Then she realizes they’re driving toward the harbor. Then he says something to the effect of “skip class, you hoser.”

To this, Kamala freaks out a little bit. She’s got homework and quizzes and labs and pencils and paper and teachers and lockers! Kamran says that her destiny as an Inhuman is bigger than some nerd school. Kamala gets mad and asks him to stop the car. He stops the car in some really shitty-looking part of town. “I want you to meet someone very important to me,” he tells her. Then he tells her stop being so uptight, queen. “Look, what if Kaboom was right? Why should we hide what we are and play by the rules of society that wasn’t built for us?”

Kamala looks at him thoughtfully. Then she gets mad when he spouts off some nonsense about being better than real humans.

“It’s time for Ms. Marvel to take her rightful place with the rest of the Inhuman family,” Kamran continues. Oh hell no, son. That sounds like some Final Solution bullcocky. Kamala starts storming off going all “I thought I liked you” and “This is totally unchill, bro”, but Kamran touches the back of her head and zaps her into blissful unconsciousness.

She wakes up in small room with purple lights and metal walls. She spots a control panel and decides to press a random button, which earns her an electrical shock. “Fine,” she says, growing her mighty fists into mightier fists. “If I can’t get out the polite way – I’ll get out the embiggened way.”

She punches her way through the steel door with ease and says hi to the lumpy guards. Then she beats them up handily. Then she runs, scrambling to look for someone she knows that can explain what’s going on to her.

Then she gets zapped in the back by some clown.