Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16 – “Last Days (Part 1)”! In the previous storyline, a handsome sumbitch named Kamran enters Kamala’s life for about six hours before he reveals himself to be Inhuman too. And not just any Inhuman, one of them jerk Inhumans who thinks he’s better than actual humans. Ms. Marvel fucks his shit up.

These are the final few issues of the Marvel NOW! Ms. Marvel series. You best believe I’ll be moving onto some other Kamala Khan stories in the near future. That girl has got it goin’ on.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16 [August, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 1)”

On the Jersey City Waterfront (where it smells like hot garbage), Kamala talks about how she hasn’t contacted Kamran in any way for three weeks, two days, and seventeen hours. But who’s counting?

“It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started processing my feelings with random strangers,” she thinks as she bugs people on the street about heartbreak and hopelessness. A laugh riot! She crams a hot dog full of onions and tomatoes and lettuce in her gaping maw. Kamala has been bingeing on hot dogs lately and it’s not a pretty sight. “Every day I wake up, and for a second, I forget. And for that second, it’s fine. I feel normal. Then I remember. After that comes the panic attack.”

The hot dog vendor is like “uh-huh” as she continues pouring her heart out about this one kid she knew for 10 hours before he turned out to be a horrible jerkass.

Like a drunk at a bar, she gets cut off from the hot dogs. She stumbles away from the cart looking like she’s about to shit her teenage pants. Then she realizes the crowd is running the hell away from something! Godzilla, or maybe Jeff Goldblum? Something happened in the Financial District! It came from the sky! Oh god! Oh god!

Kamala runs the opposite way, likely intending to be some sort of hero about town. Terrorists? Aliens? Helicopters hover over the waterfront. “I’ve never seen panic like this before. What could possibly be this terrifying?”

WOOZLE WAZZLE WUZZLE! BOOGITY BOOGITY!!

Kamala leaps under the dock and surreptitiously becomes Ms. Marvel, the awkward lanky teenager we’ve all come to “enjoy”. The crowd continues stammering and stuttering about the huge thing in the sky coming right toward them. Ms. Marvel enlongs her feet in order to float herself across the river – essentially walking across water like Jesus. Jesus did that, right? He did something at least.

“I don’t get it. There’s no smoke, no fire, no loud explosions. None of the things I was afraid of. Just a bunch of people freaking out for no discernible reason.” I’M TELLING YOU, LADY, IT’S JEFF FREAKIN’ GOLDBLUM! And he’s wearing a gray suit!

She crosses the border into New York City, which is glowing red. She looks up all like “whuzzat” and it’s a giant red planet! Like, so close that it’s just about landing on their heads! And, as I recall, this business all kicked off in New Avengers, but since I read that like two years ago I don’t remember anything that happened anymore! Feel free to skim at your own leisure.

“When I said a broken heart feels like the end of the world… this isn’t quite what I was talking about,” she thinks as she gapes at the gargantuan planetary mass hanging over her. Curious that she couldn’t see it until she ended up in Manhattan. What gives?

She decides to turn around and get ahead of the crowd. Meanwhile, at the Circle Q, Bruno and his brother Bald Hat stand out front holding baseball bats trying to fend off any punks who try to steal Twinkies and lottery tickets. Ms. Marvel appears and asks what all the hubbub is over here. Bald Hat Brother is like “blhablhabhalbahbab!! Riots!” Bruno asks what’s going on, and Ms. Marvel starts talking crazy talk about planets heading straight for Earth and they’ve got to do something before Earth is destroyed! Maybe she can get over to New Attilan! Talk to Queen Medusa! Maybe she can get off of her hedonistic ass for ten minutes and figure something out! Meanwhile, hunker down in the school. It was built to withstand robot attacks so it’s a good a place as any to duck and cover under 5.97×10²³ kg celestial objects!

“Hey — come with us. It’s nuts out there,” Bruno says, trying to keep Ms. Marvel close because HE HAS A CRUSH ON HER, OOOOOOOOOHHHH. But she can’t. Someone has to go find some answers. This is probably Iron Man’s fault. It’s always Iron Man’s fault.

So she takes her leave and stomps down the streets again.

She said, adding to the chaos.

Ms. Marvel heads to Grove Street to make sure her family is ok. She enters her house to find it BEREFT OF FAMILY MEMBERS. Empty. Well… almost empty.

“Where is everybody?” Kamala says.

“They’re all fine,” answers a voice. “For now.”

It’s Kamran in a shitty turtleneck, looking sexy as a kick in the titty. Kamala is about to giant-fist him in the face until he tells her that her parents are upstairs “taking a little nap”. As in, he zapped them with his zappy powers. LOL! And for Aamir, Kamala’s shiftless brother, he’s somewhere safe and about to be exposed to an ultra-concentrated dose of Terrigen Mist! Isn’t that just the bee’s knees? You see, Aamir might be Inhuman too! He was in the basement of the mosque when the Terrigen Bomb dropped, so he wasn’t exposed. It’s exposure time! 50-50 shot at developing powers here, let’s gooooooo!

“If you join us on the right side of history… maybe he will,” Kamran says. And here I am thinking that we were done with this nerd. Kamala insists that Aamir’s a loser who would never agree to help Kamran and his kind. And Kamran’s about two sentences away from Fist City, so he better wise up tout suite!

Again, hello? You knew him for 10 hours before he went into Cunt Mode.

“We could have done great things together,” he says. “You were the one who decided to walk away.” Kamran says that Kamala’s problem is that she doesn’t use the chaos to her advantage. She’s going to try to save people in Manhattan and then fail at it! He’s going to treat it like a convenient distraction and Inhumanize some motherfuckers.

Abu and Ammi come downstairs dazed and confused. Someone spiked their tea with fentanyl! Kamala is like, oh good, you’re alive! Now run away, there’s something happening in New York City and it’s not another pesky 9/11. Go to the school, Bruno will take good care of you. He’s holding a bat!

Abu is like “fuck off, dear”, but Kamala doesn’t have time for Abu’s fat shenanigans. Time to find Aamir before he gets Misted like that movie about the mist. I think it’s called The Mist? But first she has to make sure the school is secure. Ugh, being a superhero is too hard! I wish I were an ice cream taste tester!

At the school, the jocks and the geeks are coming together for a common goal: staving off rioters. But then something very comic-booky happens: two whale-like creatures pop out of the ground. “You are about to be pwned by Loki, God of Mischief. All hail Loki.”

Once again, G. Willow Wilson has her finger on the pulse of Gen Z internet language.

These two creatures, summoned by Loki, or are Loki, continue chasing the rioters until they catch up with Ms. Marvel who is like “?”. Then Ms. Marvel asks Bruno and Co. what the situation is at the school. And it’s basically “50 people have Cheetos to eat”, so everything is quite hunky dory. Ms. Marvel walks into the gymnasium and everyone is like “YAY MS. MARVEL!” even though none of this will stop a planet attack. But whatever.

Ms. Marvel continues crying about how her two-minute crush betrayed her, then she goes on the roof to scope things out further. “Why does everything have to be so hard? When does it get easier? I need to pull it together. I’ll get a little fresh air, I’ll stop crying and I’ll make a plan.”

“Looks like you could use some backup,” says a voice from behind as Ms. Marvel stares at the orange sky. “Nice uniform.” It’s Captain Marvel, the former Ms. Marvel. “Still not sure how I feel about the name.”

TO BE CONTINUED

Final Thoughts

I understand the sentiment, but everyone’s dumb for thinking that hanging out in the school gym for no reason and drinking Mountain Dew is going to help anything.

This is too big for Ms. Marvel, so luckily a bunch of other useless Avengers are going to show up! I’m expecting a real meeting of the minds. Hulkface and Captain “Butt Brains” America are a good start as well.