Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Super Famous (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, public perception of Ms. Marvel has plummeted after her endorsement of the Hope Yards Development, but she can’t worry about that now. Something sinister is going on – people are walking around with purple eyes fawning over the new gentrified neighborhood! Even Bruno, who had been kidnapped by Hydra to join the effort in its world domination! HA HA HA HA HAAA!!

So Ms. Marvel has to stop Hydra before Abu yells at her for spending $8000 on Chuck E. Cheese tokens. Because getting grounded will surely impede progress.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [March, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Super Famous (Part 3)”

Ms. Marvel is understandably miffed that Hydra kidnapped and brainwashed her best friend. This is, in fact, where she draws the line. “I can’t let you do this,” she says. That’ll show ‘em.

And, of course, part of Hydra’s plan was to discredit Ms. Marvel by erecting a giant advertisement billboard with her likeness. “You were a potential annoyance. What other costumed hero would lift a finger to protect this shambling little city?”

That did it. There is where she draws the line. Jersey City may be a hole, but it isn’t shambling! Grrrr! She embiggens herself, picks up this Red Beard Bad Guy Bastard, and throws him across the room like this: *fling*

After knocking a few heads together, Red Beard sprays a magenta mist out of his sleeve. “Did you know nanotech can be dispersed as an aerosol?” he says smirking. “Amazing, really. My men and I have been inoculated against its effects. The residents of Jersey City, on the other hand…”

Ms. Marvel holds her breath while continuing to throw people around. And just as she picks up Red Beard and readies to shove him legs first in a woodchipper, Bruno zaps her with a high-end electrified weapon stick thing while he says things in a trance like “I like my new job” and “New job, hail Hydra”.

I’d be so bad at that. I’d accidentally let my muscles atrophy. I’d be superheroing with potato chips on the couch.

“Time for a change in tactics,” Ms. Marvel thinks. She shrinks really small this time and scurries around like a mouse, much to the annoyance of the Hope Yards Hydra guys.

Then, behind Bruno, she enlarges and snatches him by the scruff. “Put me down!” Bruno yells, wiggling out of Ms. Marvel’s grasp. “Hail Hydra,” he says again like a fucking Pokemon.

Ms. Marvel is like “fine” and leaves him there, fending for herself as she busts out of there. The Hydra goons consider following her, but no. She’ll be back. “We have something she wants… right here.”

Later that evening, Mike is in her bedroom talking to her friend Lizzy over the phone about the Mysterious Disappearance of Bruno Baggadonuts when ALL OF A SUDDEN MS. MARVEL FLIES THROUGH MIKE’S OPEN WINDOW like a rude piece of shit. Mike is happy to see her; superheroes and everything, people like them.

“I have some questions to ask you about Bruno Carrelli,” Ms. Marvel says, hands on hips. Then she crumples into a sad heap. “He’s been kidnapped, and it’s all my fault.”

Mike is like “…oh…” and then apologizes to Ms. Marvel because she knows that she and Bruno are close for reasons that probably have something to do with the fact that Ms. Marvel and Kamala Khan have the exact same face and haircut.

After Ms. Marvel tells Mike that she’s the only one who can help, Mike’s like “What the fuck can I do to help? Trigonometry?” Ms. Marvel then slaps her and shakes her like a newborn baby, all NO! YOU HAVE THE KEY TO HIS HEART!

And indeed, Mike has a passkey to private cloud server that he and a few of his nerd friends sync data to. All they have to do is break into the school in the middle of the night to check in on the purple goop antidote that Bruno was working on before he got kidnapped and brain-scrambled. During their foray into the dark, empty school, Ms. Marvel has the realization that Mike really loves this kid. She finds it touching. Almost… almost as if… as if she is ok with Bruno being happy, even without her. WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? ARRGHH!!

She sounds great! Ha ha, um… nice and antisocial, er… good teeth?

Ms. Marvel assures her that maybe, just maybe, this girl that Bruno used to be in love with needs time to adjust to her best friend dating another girl. Teenage drama, it’ll be funny in about ten years!

Mike cracks into the server and starts downloading the data. According to the figures and charts and lewd pornographic videos and images, Bruno was trying to synthesize some sort of protein. A protein that could disrupt the nanotech from latching onto brain neurons. Science! “That’s great and all,” says Ms. Buzzkill, “but how would we get the protein into people’s brains to begin with?”

They both turn their heads to the machine behind them: “THE BEASTRON” 3-D printer.

Time to 3-D print some proteins and fill up hairspray bottles and squirt it into people’s faces! Science!

The next morning at the Hope Yards complex, Chuck and his Hydra buddies are on an outdoor stage for a “CLEAN IT UP” rally. “Thanks to you,” he addresses the drooling, pink-eyed audience, “Phase One of the Downtown Revitalization Project has been a resounding success!”

Yay! Weeee! Phase Two is next, wherein they spread their influence to all of Jersey City and “get rid of all undesirables” (read: brown people).

Ms. Marvel and Mike show up with a big “NOT SO FAST” and start spraying protein mist all over the audience. Redbeard tells his minions to stop them, but it’s too damn fucking late. The people start waking up, addled and confused.

Ms. Marvel: Bootin’ nerds since 2013.

“I didn’t come back from the dead for this,” whines Redbeard. He palms Ms. Marvel’s head like a basketball and sends ultraviolet energy through her skull. She’ll be reduced to quivering mass of pulp unless Mike can spray Bruno in the face right now! Do it!

*spray*

“Buhh!”

That did the trick! Bruno looks around bewildered and then gives Mike a big ol’ hug. No time for the lovey-dovey now, though, since Ms. Marvel is getting all fucked up Hydra-style. Better go save her somehow. Maybe you can tie Redbeard’s shoelaces together?

Here’s how you beat the bad guy: you dump a bottle of blue nanotech-neutralizing protein on him and he’ll fall to the floor screaming and writhing like a Grade A doofus. Looks like everything has been taken care of! Not a single loose thread.

*crickets*

“Ever thought of what you owe the rest of us?” Nakia says among a throng of protesters. “Like an explanation for why you put your face on the side of a luxury condo complex that nobody in this neighborhood can afford?”

Time for Ms. Marvel’s “I didn’t do it!” spiel. Nakia is wise to this denial, especially since it’s happening after Hope Yards was exposed to be the seedy, evil, world-dominating corporation that it was! The rest of the crowd is similarly doubtful. “But… I’m telling the truth…” Ms. Marvel says meekly among the sudden yelling.

I took down the bad guys. I neutralized the threat to the city. Yet somehow…? This doesn’t feel like a victory, she thinks.

Bruno tells Ms. Marvel to leave this for another day. There’s always tomorrow and the next day to re-boost public image. Mike apologizes. Ms. Marvel doesn’t understand why things can’t just go back to normal after fixing everything and wrapping it up with a pretty bow on top!

“Would you literally kill me if I said you’re the hero that Jersey City deserves?” smiles Bruno.

“Yes, I would literally kill you.”

Mike suggests laying low for a while. She’s got cookie dough in the freezer! And, you know what? So do I! See you later, dorks.

Final Thoughts

Poor Ms. Marvel. She just wants to help her fair city and her fellow man. Even if it is Jersey City, and even if her fellow man are Jersey City residents. Blech.